


Really Weird SPN fanfic

by Hudstrige1



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Parody, SPN - Freeform, Spoof, Supernatural - Freeform, wtf is this shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2018-06-10 03:05:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 53,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6937051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hudstrige1/pseuds/Hudstrige1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all starts when Sam tries to stop Dean from having sex too loudly.<br/>This leads to the worst things ever.<br/>If you like it, tell me!<br/>If you don't, I don't blame you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Girls

Chapter One: Girls  
Sam was sick of it. Never being able to sleep; always being traumatized.

All because Dean was having sex too loudly.

It was awkward when the girls made small talk with him in the morning, when he had just heard them using DIRTY talk in the room next door. But he just smiled and nodded politely.

So, Sam did what he had to do.

He quietly snuck into Dean's room. He wasn't home; probably banging another chick.

He easily found his condoms in his boxers drawer, and flicked the pair of scissors in his hand.

He poked holes.

He silently laughed into his pillow as he heard the girl moan through the wall that night.

Over the next couple of weeks, Sam started to feel guilty for what he did. But he had to reassure himself. It's not like the girl was going to get PREGNANT.

Until there was a knock on the door.

"Monica?" Dean asks, as she awkwardly stands in the hallway of the hall of their apartment building.

"Brandey..."

"Oh. Sorry. I was just watching Friends. But what are you doing here? I thought we agreed our one night stand was just a...one night thing..."

"Dean, there's no easy way to tell you this."

"What's going on...?"

Sam was now trembling in fear, sitting on the couch.

"I'm pregnant."

"But we used a condom!" Dean cries out, scared as hell, not seeming to care Sam was listening. Then again, he DID let him hear him screw girls almost constantly. So he figured why not let him hear this.

"Well I guess we weren't safe enough, Dean..."

"Well condoms DO only work 97% of the time. Like I said I was just watching Friends."

"Well what are we gonna do? We're only nineteen I can barely even take care of MYSELF!" Brandey cries out. "Brandey, relax. Now please step out in the hall so I can discuss this privately with my brother."

"But Dean-" he pushes her out into  
the hall and slams the door in her face. He turns around to Sam, frozen on the couch. "Wow. You know you seem REALLY calm about this" Sam says.

"Are you kidding me?! I'm freaking out! I can't be a dad! Not in THIS life! And what about OUR dad?! I'm gonna be all KINDS of dead!"

The phone suddenly rang, causing Dean to yelp out. Sam huffs, and looks at the caller ID. "It's dad."

"Tell him I went to Indiana!"

"Dean, we're IN Indiana."

"Fine, then! Utah!"

"Dean, HE'S in Utah."

"Then just answer it! Tell him I'm showering!"

Sam picks up.

"Hi dad" he's trying to sound casual.

"Hey Sam how's everything going?"

"...good. How's the hunt going?"

"Well, I ain't gonna lie. It's gonna be a while."

"Really? How long?"

"I'd say...nine months, maybe a year."  
"Okay...that sounds...alright..."

"Can I talk to Dean?"

"Um he's showering. Could I take a message?"

"Could you just tell him to call me?"  
"Will do. Bye dad."

"Bye son. I'll call back soon."

"Bye." Sam hangs up.

"Dad says he'll be nine months."

"Good. Because I'm thinking about keeping the little shit" Dean casually responds.

"What? Dean, you do know that in nine months, you're going to be cleaning up it's 'little shits.' Right?" Sam asks. Dean scoffs. "I know that" he says breezily. "And besides-I think I'm starting to have feelings for my hook up, anyway" he says. "MONICA! GET IN HERE!" He yells, turning to the door. "IT'S BRANDEY!" She yells back. "Whatever! Get in here!"

Brandey walks in, and up to them. "Now Brandey, explain to us how you found out" Dean tells her calmly.

"Found out what..."

"That you were PREGNANT!"

"Oh. Yeah. That. Well you see it all started when I missed my last period-"

"Oh; ugh ew ew ew skip to the important parts! Ew!" Dean interrupts, grossed out, Sam rolling his eyes at Dean's immaturity. "Ah! Roly Poly!" He then yells, seeing one under the couch. "And then I started puking" Brandey continues to explain, not caring. "Morning sickness" Sam says proudly, pointing a finger in the air, standing up straight. "No shit Sherlock" Dean snaps to him. "So how did you find out?" he turns back to Brandey.

"Find out what."

"That you were PREGNANT!"

"Oh. Yeah. That. Well, I was at a party last night and I was so drunk that I started peeing. Turns out it was on a pregnancy test. So yeah."

"Oh my god!" Dean yells. "So you're pregnant??"

"Yes, Dean" Brandey is exasperated. "So should we keep it??" Dean asks nervously, jumping up and down, holding his crotch. "Choose fast cos I gotta pee!" he yells. "Well, my parents don't give two fucks about me and that since abortion is a sin in my faithful religion, okay!" she says, smiling. Sam cringes at the irony. "So that's it? Just like that?" he asks, stunned, raising his eyebrows. "What about dad?!"  "Relax! We'll just see the kid on the weekends or something. He'll never have to know!" Dean smiles. "But Brandey," he says, turning to her. "Shouldn't your parents know you're pregnant?"

"Like I said-they hate me. They even kicked me out last night for snorting their cocaine."

"Those bitches. You can stay here until that baby pops out of your vagina like a clown in a jack in the box."

"WHAT?" Sam asks, not liking this idea at all.

"You can sleep in Sam's room."

"WHAT?" Sam asks again.

"C'mon Sam. Let's go shop for baby clothes and shit" Dean says, taking Brandey's hand.

"You don't even know the gender!" Sam's high strung.

"Exactly. Now we'll be waiting for you in the car."

Dean and Brandey walk out of the apartment.

Sam sighs in exasperation, blaming himself. "This is all my fault" he says to himself. The impala's horn honks all the way down in the apartment complex's parking lot. "SAMMY! LET'S GO! BRANDEY'S CRAVING!"  Dean yells.

"Ugh."

Three months later, in the third month of Bradey's pregnancy, she and Dean were arguing again. Sam rolled his eyes again, as he sat on the couch, trying to read his book. They argued over the littlest things, and this topic wasn't all that new.

"Come on, Brandey! Why do you keep refusing sex?!"

Sam was used to it.

"Because, Dean. I'm too FAT to fuck!"

"Come on. You're not THAT fat..."

Sam's eyes widen. The hypothetical live audience oohs. Brandey glares at Dean. He freezes. "Yet..." he awkwardly adds.

"Haha! Look!" Dean smiles that night in the kitchen, pointing to his pretend fat stomach, due to him stuffing a watermelon in his shirt. Sam and Brandey just stare at him. "I'm pregnant too!" Dean smiles, trying to joke around.

"Dean gimme my watermelon back you KNOW I'm craving those" Brandey says sassily, snapping her fingers in a Z formation. "Ugh" Sam says again. "Fuck this shit" says Brandey. "I'm gonna go take a piss." She stomps over to the bathroom. Sam just stares at Dean. "You do know that you're going to be fathering her child, right" he flatly asks. "Sam, don't be such a dick" Dean snaps, making him flinch. "You're going to be an uncle. Be happy."

A little while later, Dean and Brandey were holding hands, about to walk out of the apartment. Sam was on the couch, reading his book again. "We're going out to eat" Dean announces, looking at Sam.

"Bring me back something?"

"No" Dean says, as him and Bradey walk out the door.

Dean and Bradey walk back into the apartment two hours later, laughing and holding hands.

Sam looks at them. "Where were you guys?" Sam asks, bringing down his book. "Sammy we have great news!" Dean smiles. "You bought me back something?!" Sam asks eagerly, smiling.

"Ha. You wish. No. We're engaged!" Dean smiles, Brandey sticking up her middle finger where the ring was being worn.  
"It's on my middle finger cos I'm such a boss ass bitch" she smiles. "Yeah. Plus, we stole the ring from a jewelry store" Dean proudly adds. "Aren't you excited??" "Ummm...I need to...go to the bathroom..." Sam says, getting up and running to so. He closes and locks the door. He sighs in exasperation, but suddenly smells something.

Something...fishy.

He looks at the goldfish bowl on top of the toilet tank, and blinks. Brandey insisted they got a pet. But that wasn't it. He walks over to the trashcan, and digs to the bottom. He finds a tampon wrapper, and a blood soaked tampon.

"What are you doing" he hears Bradey's deep, dramatic voice. He yelps out, turning around and looking up at her. "W-where's Dean??" he asks.  
"At the supermarket. I sent him to get me more watermelons since I'm craving them. Ya know-because I'm so pregnant."

"You're not pregnant" Sam snaps, taking the tampon out of the trash. "You're faking it!" he yells, pointing at her with the blood soaked tampon. "You have no proof!" Brandey yells, her eye twitching. "I'm back!" they hear Dean announce, along with the front door closing. Brandey closes the bathroom door. "Listen here, loser" Brandey says, pulling Sam by his shirt, lifting him off the ground, scaring him. "Your brother and I, are engaged. And there's nothing you can do about it. So go back to your-"

"Guys?" they hear Dean's voice in the doorway. Brandey freezes and drops Sam on the ground.

They turn around, to Dean standing in the open doorway, holding brown bags of watermelons. "Brandey...what is going on here? Were you threatening Sam?"

She's silent.

"No."

"Yes! She was!" Sam yells. "And get this!" he holds up her blood soaked tampon. "She's not even pregnant!"

"Sammy, are you sure you're not just covering up your wounds with tampons again?"

"No!"

"Well if I'm not pregnant then how come I have this big ass bump?" Brandey asks. Sam pulls up her shirt, revealing her fake pregnant belly. Dean gasps. "THAT'S why you never wanna have sex! You're not pregnant??"

"Yes! I am! I just...uh..."

That's when the cops are busting through the door. "Monica Brandey, you're under arrest for stealing, and damage of property." They cuff her. Dean gasps. "Your name IS Monica!" he exclaims. "What's going on?!" Sam asks. "Monica Brandey is under arrest for years of stealing expensive jewelry, clothes, cars, boats, and more. She damages properties around the country, and shoplifts. In fact she just stole that ring she's wearing on her finger from Diamonds Direct downtown. She'll be facing life in prison. Get out the hand truck." They pull out the hand truck, and strap her on. She screams all the way as they push her out. The brothers are silent.

"Dean? Are you okay?" Sam asks. "I'm..." Dean trails off. "Great!" he smiles, making Sam flinch. "I'm not gonna be all kinds of dead anymore!" he smiles. "Or a father!" he adds.

"Really?" Sam smiles. "Well I'm glad you're glad. And just to think-I thought all of this happened because I poked holes in your condoms."

"You what?!"

The next day, Sam was at school, putting his textbooks in his locker. A girl walks up to him. "Hi!" she politely smiles. He turns around, and stares at her for a couple of seconds. "Hi" he slightly laughs, surprised that a girl was actually talking to him. "Sam Winchester, right?" she asks.

"Yeah. Do I know you?"

"Sorta. I'm Lindsay Weaver from your science class. But I'm on the mathletes and word has it that you're pretty smart. Have you ever thought of joining?"

"Um" Sam slightly laughs. "I dunno. I mean I know I'm a good student but it's not really my thing..."

"Well you should really think about it. It'd be really nice to have a boy on the team. So, you know, the team can MEET a boy" she says. Sam laughs. "Uh maybe. I'll think about it" he says. "Cool" Lindsay smiles. She turns around, starting to walk away. "Wait" Sam calls out. Lindsay stops and turns around. "I-I really will think about it" he tells her. She smiles and proceeds to walk away.

"I think I'm going to join the mathletes" Sam tells Dean, hours later in the living room of their apartment. He had just arrived home. "You can't join mathletes that's social suicide" Dean tells him instantly. Sam cringes. "What's the big deal?" he asks. "And besides. Half the reason I'm considering it is because...never mind" he says, blushing. "No. Tell me" Dean says. "I wanna know." "I'm mostly signing up because of a girl." Dean instantly scoffs. "Aw, you're in love with a nerd" he teases. "She's not a nerd" Sam defends. "She's...Lindsay Weaver. And I barely even know her. She's the one that suggested I sign up."

"Well, you'll be committing social suicide together. Like in Romeo & Juliet."

"Dean, Juliet found Romeo dead by drinking poison so she stabbed herself."

"Exactly."

"Lindsay" Sam calls out the next day at school in the halls. "Oh hey" she smiles after she turns around. She walks up to him. "What's up?"

"I think I'm gonna sign up for mathletes" Sam tells her. "Really?" Lindsay smiles. "That's so great! You can sign up in the office and our first meeting is after school in the math room in our hall."

"I'll be there."

Sam and Lindsay have decided to get something to eat after the mathletes meeting. "So what's your family like?" Lindsay asks him as they sit down at a table outside, starting to unwrap their hotdogs. "Well, I have an older brother and a dad, but my mom died when I was a baby so I don't remember her."

"Aw, well do you still have pictures?"

"Yeah, I look at them time to time. I actually look a little bit like her. But my brother looks more like her than I do."

"Well my family's not so perfect either. My sister's in jail for stealing. She went missing for the last three months apparently faking her pregnancy just to stay with some guy."

Sam was in the middle of swallowing his hotdog as she said all of that. He started to choke once he heard that. Lindsay gasps. Sam swallows his water to stop choking. "Sorry uh-uh wrong pipe" he stammers, before awkwardly clearing his throat. "So yeah what were you saying?" he asks, trying to look casual. "When she was missing, my parents were worried sick. They just miss her so much!" Lindsay says dramatically. "Really?" Sam asks. "That's...nice. Out of curiosity, what's your sister's name...?"

"Monica."

"Dean!" Sam yells, running through the door of their apartment. Dean was sitting on the couch. He grows alert and looks at him. "You're not gonna believe this! Lindsay, the girl that wanted me to do mathletes? Well I joined and we hung out after the  meeting and her older sister is Monica!!"

"You mean Brandey?"

"Whatever! It's weird, man! What if Lindsay ends up being, like...my girlfriend?"  
Dean bursts out laughing after that, and Sam glares at him. "Aw. You're funny, Sammy. Now do your homework."

The next day, despite Sam being creped out that Monica was Lindsay's sister, they still hung out. As they were studying in the park, her phone rang. "It's my mom" she tells him. "Hello?" she answers. "I'm hanging out with a friend in the park" she says. "What? Like right now? But I'm with a friend!" Seconds passed. "Alright. I'll tell them." She takes the phone from her ear. "I have to visit my sister in jail" she tells him. Sam almost falls over. "O-oh. I should go home, then" he says, really wanting to go and not see Monica. "Oh, why heaven's sake! I would love it if you stayed! Do you want to visit her with me?"

Sam doesn't speak.

"...sure...!"

Sam and Monica froze when they saw each other. "Lindsay...how do you know this person?" she asks through gritted teeth. "His name is Sam. He's a friend from school. Don't worry. He won't tell anyone about what you did to end up here."

"Oh, he better not" Monica's teeth is still gritted, glaring at Sam. He starts to shake, and stops after a couple seconds. "Uh, just one question: If Bran-uh-uh I meant Monica-is black, and you're white, how are you two related...?" Monica instantly stomps her foot. "Racist n****!" she yells to him. "Monica! Stop it!" Lindsay yells. "Sam, Monica's adopted" she states. "Oh" Sam says, relieved. "Yeah" Monica says. "My real momma dropped me on a doorstep. Dumb motherfuca. I stole all her jewels in revenge." Sam and Lindsay awkwardly stare at her.

"Lindsay, can you be a precious peach and get me a cup of water?" Monica politely asks her sister.

"But, we don't have much time left-"

"GO, N****!"

Lindsay yelps out, scared, and scatters away. "Wellllll.....I'm gonna go to the bathroom" Sam starts to stay, looking for an excuse to leave when "STAY!"  Monica commands, making Sam flinch. "Sam, out of my two days of being in prison, I've realized something." "What...?" Sam nervously asks. "What I did to you and your brother was wrong. I'm a better person now."

"You're in prison!"

"Well when I get out, I'll be a better person."

"Brandey-uh-uh-Monica, you'll never be getting out. You have a life sentence..."  
Monica doesn't speak.

"Crap I forgot...but anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that...I'm sorry. Please tell Dean I said that."

"Here!" Lindsay smiles to her, walking back up with a paper cup of water. "Time's up" the guard says, walking over with the giant key.

"But we-" Lindsay starts to say when "LEAVE, N****!"  the guard booms, making Lindsay and Sam yelp out together.

"Thanks for coming with me" Lindsay tells Sam as they're walking together on the playground next to the prison building, little kids climbing and playing all over it. "No problem. Your sister seems...really nice." Well at least she did NOW. Maybe she really HAS changed. "Thanks for accepting her." Sam doesn't speak. "Can I tell you something?"

"Sure what is it?"

"You know how you said your sister faked being pregnant for three months just to be with some guy?"

"Yeah?"

"Well that guy MAY have been my older brother..."

Lindsay gasps. "Oh my gosh! Really??"

"Yeah. B-but don't worry. When you went to get her water, she apologized. She's a better person now. At least that's what she said."

"Oh. Well...thanks for not thinking I'm weird or anything. I come from a pretty complicated family."

"Believe me. So do I. But when the cops were arresting her at my apartment, they said her name was Monica Brandey. Your last name is Weaver."

"Oh. When she turned eighteen she got her last name legally changed because she didn't want people to think she was 'related' to my parents and I."

"But she isn't..."

"Exactly. And I think the fact that she's not white like us proves it."

They laugh. "But seriously, though. Thanks for coming with me, Sam" Lindsay smiles. "No problem. Some first date, huh?" he jokes. They laugh.

They stare at each other, and he gives her a light peck on the lips. They smile and slightly laugh.

"Bye Sam."

"Bye Lindsay."

"Dean! Guess what?" Sam frantically asks him at the apartment. "What is it?" Dean asks.  
"I visited Monica in jail!"

"Who?"

"BRANDEY!"

"Oh. Right. Well what were you doing visiting her in jail??"

"I was with her sister again. She offered to bring me along."

"Wow. Some first date" Dean says sarcastically. Sam scoffs. "Yeah. But anyway Monica apologized. She said she regrets what she did. She told me to tell you that."

"Really? Tell her sister to tell her I'll wait for her!"

"Dean, she has a life sentence..."

"Crap. I forgot..."

 

The next day at school, Sam walks up to Lindsay at her locker. "Hey" he says. She turns around and her face instantly lights up. "Hi" she smiles. Sam flashes a tiny smile, glad to see her. "What's up?" she asks. "Ummm...can I, ask you something?" Sam nervously asks. "You just did." Sam scoffs and smirks at her. Lindsay slightly laughs. "Ummm...are we like...dating?" Sam asks slowly, delicately, softly. As if it's a dirty word. He scrunches up his face as if he's looking at a bloody wound. His facial expression turns to normal and Lindsay stares at him, not knowing what to say. "Um...I-I don't really know. I-I mean I would like to..." she stretches on the last word.

Sam's mussels tense. "M-me too" he says, before smiling. She smiles back, blushing.

"So..." Sam says. "Should I like, hold your hand?"

At the end of the day, they walk out of school together. They acted more nervous around each other, constantly blushing and smirking. They knew they had strong feelings for each other, they just didn't know how to...make it official. They want to get close, show affection. They just feel strange about it. Like they had just met. Like they'll judge each other because of it. And not to mention the fact that they've both never FELT this way for someone before either. "So do you just wanna like, go where we did yesterday?" Lindsay asks, snapping Sam out of his thoughts, turning to him. "You mean the jailhouse?" he jokes. They laugh. "I meant the park" she smiles, talking about where she had gotten the phone call from her mother. "Yeah. We can do that" Sam says. They smirk at each other and look forward. Sam's about to hold her hand, when her phone rings again. She huffs in frustration and takes it out. "What, mom?" she sounds annoyed. They stop walking and Sam can't help but silently laugh. "Well can it wait?" Lindsay asks. "I'm doing something. I'm with...someone." Seconds pass. "I dunno. I'll ask. I'll call you back." She hangs up. "What is it?" Sam asks, amused. "My mom says she has some sort of 'surprise' for me back at the house." "Well do you wanna meet up later tonight?" He asks. "Do you...want to come?" Lindsay asks, her heart pounding. Sam freezes, the blood draining from his face. "You mean like...meet your parents?" he slightly laughs, his cheeks turning red. She smirks. "Relax. They don't have to know...that."  "But your dad will probably be making assumptions" Sam states. "Probably. But it'll be fine. I mean, what could the surprise be, anyway?"

"Welcome home, Monica!" Lindsay's mom smiles, Monica sitting at the kitchen table, smiling, her hands folded. She's wearing a shiny blue party hat, as if it's her birthday. Lindsay's dad was standing near, smiling as well. Lindsay gasps and smiles, standing in front of the door. Sam would be walking in any second. "What is she doing home?" Lindsay smiles. "Well, her charges somehow got dropped and... yeah!" Lindsay's mom smiles. "Cool!" Lindsay smiles, not caring about how weird that sounded. "So you told me a friend was tagging along with you?" Mrs. Weaver smiles. "Yes. In fact he's actually the friend that joined me visiting Monica in jail yesterday. And um...I'm sort of seeing him." "Where? I don't see him anywhere" Mrs. Weaver says, puzzled. Lindsay bites her lip. "No, mom. I meant...we're sort of dating." "Oh well who is this boy?" Mr. Weaver asks, standing up straight, instantly growing protective. Sam suddenly walks in, slurping on his lemonade-he had grown aggressively thirsty on the way-accidentally hitting Lindsay with the door. She yelps out, And Sam notices. His eyes widen. He takes the straw from his lips. "Oh. Uh. S-sorry..." He closes the door and scans the room, Lindsay's parents awkwardly staring at him. He suddenly notices Monica, and with that he drops his lemonade, causing it to spill all over the floor. Monica and her parents stare at him. "Guys...this is Sam..." Lindsay tells them awkwardly. "Hi..." Sam says quietly, waving. Mr. and Mrs. Weaver stare at him. Mrs. Weaver blinks. "Hi!" she finally smiles. "S-so nice to meet you. We've heard so much about you...!" "We have?" Mr. Weaver asks. "Yes, Gerald. We have" she grunts to him. "Oh. Yeah. Sure..." Monica gasps. "Sam! My n****!" she smiles, happy to see him. "H-hi..." he awkwardly says. "Monica, language!" Mrs. Weaver scolds. "I'm sorry bitch but are YOU black? I don't think so. And I told you guys to start calling me Brandey!" she snaps. "Monica, that's your legally changed last name" Gerald says. "Well now it's my first name" she states stubbornly. "So, your full name is...Brandey Brandey...?" Sam asks. "Brandey ANGELICA Brandey" she smartly states. Sam just stares at her. "And I can do whatever I want, Susan!" Brandey snaps. "I told you to never call me by my first name, you self conceited rat! Now Lindsay's boy toy is here and you are ruining everything you little skank!" "Mom!" Lindsay yells. "'Boy toy'...?" Sam asks, starting to feel sick. "Oh why Sam would you like to stay for dinner?" Susan politely asks, looking at him with puppy dog eyes. "Ummm...yes...?" He feels as if he doesn't have a choice. "Susan, take your medication" Gerald roughly instructs. "Um let's go watch TV" Lindsay embarrassingly says to Sam, taking his hand and pulling him into the living room. "Don't get pregnant now, you two!" Gerald calls out. Lindsay huffs as they sit down on the couch. "Sorry about my parents. My mom's...bipolar." "Oh it's alright" Sam says. "I'm uh...uh-I-I'm-uh-uh I'm not really anything but..." he awkwardly trails off. "Oh believe me. You're somethin'" Lindsay flirts. Sam blushes and they giggle. He leans into kiss her, when Monica-or now Brandey again-bursts into the room, holding a bowl of popcorn. She's not wearing her party hat anymore. "What we watchin'?" she smiles, plopping down on the couch, in between them. "Monica-" "Brandey" she snaps, putting her hands on her hips and scowling at her. Lindsay huffs. "Brandey, leave. Did dad pay you to keep an eye on us?"

"Maybe. But I need that money for weed, anyway." "Um what is she doing back, exactly? N-not that I'm not happy to see her..." Sam says. "Oh. My charges got dropped" Brandey explains. "For stealing millions of dollars' worth of stuff?" Sam asks. "Yup. And it was probably trillions of dollars...but whatever." "Brandey, leave. Sam and I want to be alone" Lindsay instructs. "We do?" Sam asks. Lindsay just looks at him and rapidly nods. "Oh. Y-yeah. We do..." Sam says. "Bitch don't make stuff popcorn in your bra" Brandey threatens Lindsay. Lindsay gasps. "LINDSAY! FEED ME MY PORRIDGE! MOMMA BEAR'S HUNGRY!"  Susan yells from the kitchen. "Coming, Momma Bear!" Lindsay yells, just creeping Sam out. "I call her Momma Bear to calm her down" Lindsay tells him. Sam nods, not knowing how to feel, before Lindsay gets up and walks into the kitchen. It's awkwardly silent between Brandey and Sam. "So Sam" Brandey says. "How's your ass?"

"My ass is fine, thanks..."  
"So you like my sister?"

"Yeah I really like your sister..."

"Did you fuck her yet?"

Sam can't speak. "No..."

"So you like her?"

"Yeah I like her a lot..."

"I like YOU a lot, Sam."  
"Huh?" Sam asks nervously. There's the sound of a bear roaring, and a claw strike in the kitchen. Lindsay screams. "I-is everything alright in there?" Sam asks. "They're fine. Kiss me, Sam."

"What? No! That would be like, wrong! I haven't even kissed your sister yet...!"

"KISS ME OR I WILL MOLEST YOU."

They suddenly hear Susan yelp from the kitchen. There's a bump, and an "Ouch!"

Brandey and Sam gasp. "What was that?" Sam asks. "I don't know. But we should go check it out because something could be terribly wrong." So they get up and rush into the kitchen.

Susan had slipped over the lemonade Sam spilt on the floor.

"GET OUT!"  Susan screams to Sam a minute later, pushing him out onto the porch with a broom, everyone else watching. "Mom, calm down. Sam didn't mean to spill the lemonade" Lindsay tries to tell her. "I don't care! I could've died!"

"You just hit your head on the door!"

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT?! GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!" Susan shouts. So Sam starts to run away. "C-call me!" Lindsay awkwardly yells to him.


	2. The Return Of Brandey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brandey returns. She becomes Sam's dentist and swears revenge on him.

Chapter Two: The Return Of Brandey  
"Dean! I went to Lindsay's house and Brandey's out of jail! And she tried to get me to kiss her!" Sam tells Dean, back at the apartment.

Dean starts to laugh. "Yeah right, Sam. Brandey can't be out of jail. She's-" the doorbell rang. "Ah! Here!" Sam cries out. He screams all the way to his bedroom, slamming and locking the door.

Dean just huffs and rolls his eyes. But when he opens the door to Brandey smiling, he yelps out. "Dean! It's been so long!" she smiles. "It's only been a couple of days..." he says. "What are you doing out of prison?" "My charges got dropped. Isn't that great?" she smiles. "Um yeah. What are you doing here, exactly?" "Do you have any idea where your brother is?" she smiles. "Tell her I'm not here!" Sam calls out from his room, Brandey clearly being able to hear him. She frowns. "Ummm...he's not here..." Dean awkwardly tells her. "Why do you want to see him, exactly?" "Oh, no reason" she smiles, before taking a stick of lip balm out of nowhere and putting it on. Dean eyes her suspiciously. "Brandey, are you here to...kiss my brother? Because that's what he told me you were trying to get him to do" Dean says. "Nonsense!" Brandey smiles, bringing the lip balm tube down. "I came here to...to...show you my new lip balm...! Do you like it?" "It's fantabulous!" Dean smiles. "Wanna kiss me with it??"

"I'd rather kiss your brother."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. Now where's your brother, again?"

"Brandey, I'm getting suspicious. Leave."

"I don't think I will, Dean" she says, glaring at him.

"Want me to call the cops on you so you can go to prison again?" Dean threatens. Brandey groans in frustration. "Ugh. Fine. You win this time, Dean. But be warned; I can sneak up on you anytime-like a crocodile-!" But Dean slams the door in her face.

"Sam! You can come out now!" Dean calls out to him. "Oh thank God" Sam says, rushing out and over to Dean. "She really wants to kiss you. But why?" Dean asks, puzzled. "Well, the only reason I can think of why she wants to kiss me is to A-scar me, B-break me and Lindsay apart, or C-break me and Lindsay apart AND scar me" Sam says. "Well don't worry, Sam. She won't kiss you. Not on my watch" Dean says, standing up straight. "I hope so-" Sam says nervously when "So what do you want for dinner?" Dean interrupts in a smile.

"Owe! My precious teeth!" Sam cries out, later at the dinner table as he bites into a cob of corn. "What's wrong?" Dean asks as he sits across from him. "My teeth hurt!" Sam whines. "Well when's the last time you've been to the dentist?" Dean asks. "Oh, you know like six months ago-never, Dean. I've never been to the dentist ever! Dad's too busy obsessing over the Topanga demon to schedule us appointments!" "Relax. I'll make you an appointment" Dean says. "Well do you know how to?" Sam asks. "No, no I do not..."

After Dean found out how to make Sam a dentist appointment and did so, Sam got a call from Lindsay. "Hey Linds' what's up?" he answers in a smile. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for how my mom acted towards you today. But don't worry. She's all medicated now." "Oh no it's fine! She's probably a really nice woman when she's not so...bipolar..." "She is. But what's up?" she asks. "Not much. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be missing the first part of school tomorrow because I have a dentist appointment" Sam tells her. "Oh, okay. I hope it works out. Oh and speaking of which, guess what! Brandey got a job!"

"Um, where, exactly?"

"Sam, here's your dentist: Ms. Brandey" a random staff member tells him the next day at noon as he sits in the chair of the room. Brandey gasps. "Sam! My n****!" she smiles again. "B-but I thought I had dentist Lemasters!" Sam stutters, scared. "Well dentist Lemasters got into a terrible accident of some sort. So your dentist is dentist Brandey. Goodbye." And with that she walks out of the room, shutting the door. The only thing you can now hear is the clock ticking on the wall. "Don't you need to go to dental school to become a dentist...?" Sam nervously asks her. "Not the way I take care of it" she says in a dark tone, making Sam flinch. "You mean like how you took care of Lemasters?" he suspiciously asks. "Sure. Let's go with that" Brandey says, before taking out a bunch of belts. "Now let's strap you down." And before Sam can do anything, he's strapped down to the chair with a bunch of belts, struggling to break free. Brandey rubs her hands together, smiling. She takes out a giant wrench. "Now open wide." "No!" Sam screams, frowning. "DO AS I SAY OR I WILL PULL ALL OF YOUR TEETH OUT!" Brandey threatens. "You're crazy!" Sam screams. "Sam, relax. Now lemme just knock you out-" Sam yelps out. Brandey doesn't speak for a moment. "With sedation gas" she finishes

"Oh...well just don't pull all of my teeth out...!"

An hour later, Sam woke up, hazily looking around. His teeth didn't hurt anymore, but he was still strapped down to the chair. Before him he saw Brandey standing there, looking at an iPad and snickering. "Brandey?" he asks. She jumps, and looks at him. "What are you doing up" she commands. "I woke up..." Sam says. "Oh" is all Brandey responds. "Did you fix my teeth?" Sam asks. "Well, I more like watched as the assistant dentist fix them, but whatever." Sam just shrugs, actually feeling relieved that some sort of professional worked on them, and not Brandey. But he was still suspicious about what Brandey was looking at on that iPad. "What are you looking at?" he suspiciously asks. "Nothing. Nothing of the sort" is all Brandey says, putting the iPad behind her back as she scowls at him. "Let me see!" Sam yells, getting out of the chair. "Fine, then. I mean, I guess you must know the tragedy that's about to come to you" Brandey says cockily. "What?" Sam asks, scared. "C'mere and take a look, loser." "I'm still sort of strapped down" he says. "Oh. Here" she says, unstrapping him. He looks at Brandey's iPad. If that was even HER iPad. 'It's probably stolen' he thinks. On the screen he sees a picture. A picture of him and Brandey kissing. Sam frowns. "Hey! You kissed me in my sleep??" he yells, angered. "Yup. And thanks to Photoshop, it makes it look you're actually kissing me back." Brandey was right. Plus, it also makes it look as if Sam was sitting up in the chair, and he wasn't strapped down by the belts. Sam suddenly felt sick. "Oh God! I have to boil my lips now!" he cries out, throwing his hands to his cheeks. "Yeah. You go do that while I-Oh, I don't know-send on this picture to everyone that goes to your school. Including my sister" Brandey threatens. Dramatic music plays out of nowhere. "What? You wouldn't dare!" Sam yells. "Watch me, loser" Brandey growls. "How do you even have all the contact information of everyone that goes to my school??" Sam asks, not getting that part. "I have my ways. Now scatter, loser." "No way! I will not let this happen!" Sam confidently announces, pulling his jeans up. "Ah! Rolly Polly!" he suddenly screams again, seeing one under the table, giving Brandey just enough time to e-mail the picture to everyone. "Sent. Have a nice life, loser" is all Brandey says before evilly laughing and skipping out of the room. Sam sweats uncontrollably before running out of the room into the waiting room, seeing Dean sitting down, reading a Busty Asian Beauties magazine. "Dean!" he yells, making Dean jump. He notices Sam and throws the magazine out of the window behind him. "You have to get me to school! Brandey sent on a diabolical picture to ruin my reputation!" "Oh my God!" Dean yells dramatically. "Can I get a sandwich first?!" he asks frantically. "No, Dean! Come on!"

Sam walked in through the entrance of the school that automatically led him into the far right entrance of the ninth grade hallway. The picture was plastered everywhere, on the walls, kids' lockers, on the doors, everywhere. Kids shunned him, and there stood Lindsay, giving him a betrayed look. "Lindsay! I didn't really-!" he calls out, before she storms off to the bathroom. He runs in there, seeing her about to run into a stall. "Lindsay, I know you ran in here only because you're avoiding me, but-" he starts to say when "Oh. That's not the only reason. I gotta pee. Can you wait for me to yell at you?"

"Sure."

"How dare you, Sam Winchester! The not even twenty four hours of our relationship meant nothing to you?!" she's scolding him thirty seconds later, still in the bathroom. "Lindsay! Hear me out! Your sister was my dentist! For some strange reason. But she put me to sleep to clean my teeth and she used a photoshop app to make it look like we were kissing!"

"Sam, my sister would never do that. And now that I think about it, you've always had a thing for her! You probably banged her when she was staying with you and your brother."

"She actually banged my brother. Not me" he awkwardly explains.

"Then she banged BOTH of you! Goodbye, Sam Winchester!"

"Lindsay-!"

"Talk to my palm!" she screams.

"Huh?" he asks, before she slaps him straight across the face. "Ah! You didn't even wash your hands after you peed! Now I'm going to have to boil my lips AND my right cheek!" he dramatically cries out. "Good" is all Lindsay psychotically spits in a deep tone, before stomping out.

Later on in the day, when he walked up to his locker, Sam found his school picture taped on in jumbo size. Someone had drawn devil horns on him and had written "LIAR" "CHEATER" and "KISSED HER SISTER" numerous times all over. He grumbles and snatches the picture off. He faces everyone in the hall. "I did NOT kiss Lindsay's sister!" he yells. Everyone else just either mutters "liar" or laughs, thinking he's lying again. The bell rings for class, and Sam just grumbles again, and walks off. He drops the satanic version of his school picture in the trashcan behind him.

"How was your day?" Dean smiles to Sam after he enters the apartment. "Horrible" Sam says, annoyed. "The whole school-including Lindsay-thinks I'm a cheater! And someone even drew devil horns on my school picture and taped it to my locker!" he exclaims. "Oh-oh really how particular" Dean says shyly, awkwardly turning away and slowly holding up his red pen and shoving back in his pocket. He turns back to Sam. "Well look on the bright side!" he tries to reassure. Sam stares at him, waiting for him to continue. "There is no bright side..." Dean says awkwardly. Sam just huffs and stomps his foot. "Stupid Brandey. Someone should really send her back to prison" he says. "Don't worry. This whole thing'll blow over. It's not like you're gonna get kicked off the mathletes team!"

"Sam, we're kicking you off the mathletes team" Abby-one of the girls from the mathletes- tells him at his locker, as every other girl except Lindsay from the team stands behind her. His eyes widen. "What? Come on! I didn't kiss Lindsay's sister!" he tries to explain. "I'm sorry" Abby plainly says, before adding "Well, not really." "You can still try out for the science club!" Kathryn, one of the girls, smiles to him, trying to cheer him up. "I'm too sad to science!" Sam dramatically states. Abby instantly grows annoyed. "Well, then join the chess club or something. I don't give a fuck! None of us do!" she screams to him, making him flinch. "Um, I give a fuck" Kathryn quietly says, awkwardly raising her hand midway in the air. "Shut up Kathryn!" Abby and the other girls yell to her at once. "This conversation is over" Abby tells Sam, before her and everyone except Kathryn walks away to nowhere. "Um, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think you're a cheater. I know Brandey. She dated my older brother, and stole all of my jewels. I was sick once, and instead of taking care of me, she tried to stick a thermometer up my ass" Kathryn tells him. "Oh..." Sam says, feeling creeped out by the story she had told him. "Well when she dated MY brother, she faked her pregnancy. But, thanks anyway." Kathryn warmly smiles, and nods, as the bell rings and she walks away.

"Sam!" Kathryn calls out in a distance as Sam is about to walk out of the building at the end of the day. He stops walking and turns around. "Yeah?" he asks. She runs up to him. "I have good news!" she smiles. "I'm not kicked off of the mathletes?!" he eagerly smiles. "Oh. No. You wish" Kathryn slightly laughs, Sam giving her a flat look. "I know a way we can take down Brandey!" Kathryn smiles. Well THAT was good news to Sam. "Seriously?" he asks. "How?" "My mom is a dentist at the dentist you got your teeth fixed at. We can hack into the security cameras and expose the tape of Brandey setting up that picture to the world!" Sam's eyes widen. "That's perfect! Are you sure we can pull it off?"

"I have that place memorized. Don't worry about it. Let's go!"

"Hi mom" Kathryn says as she and Sam stand before the secretary desk her mom is standing behind. "This is Sam. He...wants a dental tool to bring in for...show and tell tomorrow..." is the only lie she can come up with. Sam face palms. Kathryn's mom is silent, making Kathryn and Sam sweat. "Alright!" she then smiles, making them both flinch. "Would you like me to show you kids to-?" "No mom we got it" Kathryn hastily interrupts, grabbing Sam's wrist and leading him down a hallway. They stop in front of a door, Kathryn still holding his wrist. She tries to open the door but it's locked. "It's locked!" Sam cries out loudly, Kathryn shushing him. "Be quiet!" she whispers. "We're on a mission! I learned how to pick locks from watching iCarly. Watch." "I love that show!" Sam smiles. They instantly get into a heated conversation about it when Kathryn interrupts "Focus!" making Sam flinch. "We're on a mission." "Yeah. Because you only already said that five hundred times" Sam says sarcastically. Kathryn scoffs, making him smirk. "Shut up. We're on a mission." Sam face palms again. Thirty seconds later they slowly enter the room, and close the door. They walk up to the security cameras. "Okay. Let's go back to earlier this morning" Kathryn whispers, working the tapes. "Why are we whispering?" Sam whispers. "Focus. We're on a date-I-I mean mission" Kathryn whispers, blushing. Sam stares at her for the moment, until Kathryn interrupts in her normal voice "L-let's just continue with our mission..."

"Hey. You didn't whisper that time" Sam states.

"Shut up" she whispers, making Sam look into space and twitch his eye.

"You want to email it, or should I?" Kathryn asks him thirty seconds later, for they had just found the certain tape. "Uh it-it's fine you can" Sam tells her. "Are you sure? Because I don't really know how to do these kinds of things..." Kathryn awkwardly admits. Sam stares at her. "Alright" he mutters, before placing his hand on the button. "Uh-uh never mind I'll do it" Kathryn says, before placing her hand on top of Sam's, making them both blush. Kathryn takes hers off. "Uhhh...j-just send it on" she says, embarrassed. "We're on a mission."

They had successfully sent the video on to everyone in their school, and were awkwardly walking down the hallway, blushing. "Sam can I ask you something?" Kathryn asks, looking at him as they still work. "Sure. We are spy buddies, overall" he smiles, grinning like a dork. "Okay never call us that again. And...ummm...would you like to-" and that's when they're both bumping into no one other than Brandey. She gasps. "Kathryn! My n****!" she smiles happy to see her. She suddenly notices Sam. "Sam! My other n****!" she smiles. "Quit the act, Brandey" he snaps. "Thanks to you, everyone thinks I'm a cheater." "Uh....I don't" Kathryn awkwardly says again, putting her hand midway in the air. "Except for Kathryn" he quickly adds. "Sam, I was doing you a favor" Brandey tells him. "Trust me. You DON'T want to be involved with my sister. She gets super clingy after a couple of days." "I doubt that" Sam says. "You're crazy, Brandey." "Yeah!" Kathryn agrees. "You tried to stuff a thermometer up my ass!" "Because that's how I thought you used it!" Brandey protests, frowning. "How's your brother?" she suddenly smiles. "Oh he's good. I'll tell him you said hi" Kathryn responds. "Cool, cool now what are you two doing here, exactly?" Brandey asks suspiciously. "Oh. Us?" Kathryn asks. "We're uhhh...-" "on a date" is all Sam can instantly come up with, grabbing Kathryn's hand, making her blush like crazy. "At the dentist's office?" Brandey glumly asks. "Yeah! I read online that they're...romantic...!" Sam says awkwardly. "Whatever. I, have a shift. Well, I usually just watch the assistant dentist do all the work, but let's pretend that's not true. Bye losers!" And with that she pushes them out of the way, walking away. The two were still awkwardly holding hands. "Ummm...we should go..." Kathryn says. Sam clears his throat, and untwines his hand from hers. "Yeah..."

"Thanks for helping me" Sam smiles to her as they stand outside the building. "No problem" she smiles back. "I'm glad I could help." "Now I can finally get Lindsay back!" Sam smiles, making the blood drain from Kathryn's face. But she forces a smile and nods. "Well I'll see you tomorrow at school. Oh. What was that thing you were going to ask me earlier?" Sam asks her. "Oh. That...? I-I forget. But yeah I'll see you tomorrow...!" she says nervously, starting to sweat, faking another smile.


	3. Damn Weavers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam finds himself falling for Kathryn, just as Lindsay gets too clingy.

Chapter Three: Damn Weavers  
"Dean!" Sam smiles, running into the apartment. Dean was sitting on the couch, reading the paper. "Hey" he says, bringing it down. "What's up?" "Guess what! I got revenge on Brandey!"   
"Seriously? How?" Dean smiles.  "Well, this girl named Kathryn; her mom works at the dental place, so she knows how to control the security cameras. So we snuck in and sent on the tape of Brandey setting up the fake picture to the whole school! Lindsay has to take me back now!" "Sweet! So this Kathryn girl; you like her?" "Dean, I like Lindsay. And besides; I'm pretty sure Kathryn and her are friends. So yeah." There was suddenly a knock on the door. "I'll get it!" Sam says, running to it. He opens it, Lindsay standing there. "Sam! I saw the video of Brandey! I take you back!" she smiles, throwing her arms in the air.

"Coolness!"

"So is there anything new I should know about?" Sam asks Lindsay five minutes later, as they sit down on a bench again. "Well, Brandey was just recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder" she explains. "You don't say" Sam mutters, quickly looking away. He looks back at her. "It must run in my family" she says. He nods. "Plus, she got fired from her job. She basically just watched as the dental assistant did all the work, anyway" Lindsay says. "So where is she now?" Sam asks. "In a mental hospital. In fact I think the only hour for visitors is..." she checks her watch. "Ah. Right about now."

The guard let Brandey out of her room, Sam and Lindsay awkwardly standing before her. She was wearing a hospital gown, and her legs were extremely hairy. She stares at Sam dead in the eye while breathing heavily, scaring him. She then tries to attack him as she screams, the guard having to pull her back and taze her. She makes weird jittery noises and rapidly shakes, before going back to breathing heavily. "Brandey! Stop it! Sam and I are together again and there's nothing you can do about it!" she yells, grabbing Sam's hand. "So deal with it!" "Then how come you said that you and that girl Kathryn were on a date when I ran into you guys at the dental office earlier today!" Brandey snaps at Sam. "That was a cover up; we were really sending the security camera tape of you making it look like I kissed you!" Sam yells to her. "Yeah, Brandey. Kathryn's mom works there so she knows where everything is. She even called me, telling me about it! She DID sound a little nervous about the whole thing, but whatever" Lindsay calls out, grabbing Sam's attention. She sounded nervous. But Sam pushed it to the back of his mind. "It's time for Brandey to get her shots" the guard says, lifting her up and putting her on another hand truck. Like the last time, she screams all the way as they push her away out of sight.

"Thanks for coming with me" Lindsay says as they're walking on the playground next to the mental hospital, another set of kids playing and climbing on it. They sit down on the bench. "No problem" Sam says. He stares into space, starting to think about how Lindsay said that Kathryn 'sounded nervous.' Kathryn DID seem at odds towards the end of-in her case-'mission.' He smirked at the way she kept calling it that. "Sam? What are you thinking about?" Lindsay asks. He snaps out of his thoughts and looks at her. "Oh. Uh. Nothing" he says, starting to sweat; starting to feel nervous. To feel guilty. They stare at the little kids, playing and laughing. "Aw. Little kids are so cute" Lindsay comments. "I know" Sam agrees, as they still stare at them, no parent or adult around, the darkness growing around them. "That's sort of how I picture our kids being" Lindsay says, making the light disappear from Sam's eyes. He instantly looks at her. "W-what?" he asks, starting to sweat. "Yeah! We'll have nine of them" Lindsay smiles. Sam starts to tremble. "Uh-uh I have to go..." he says, remembering Brandey telling him that Lindsay gets super clingy. 'They're both crazy' he thinks. He stands up. "But why so soon?" Lindsay sadly asks. "I-I have homework" Sam tells her, which in a way was true. "Oh, right! That algebra sheet you have to do" Lindsay states. "H-how did you know that...?" Sam asks, starting to sweat. "I read your agenda, silly!" Lindsay smiles, gesturing her hand down. "How did you get to my agenda...?"

"I know your locker combination, silly!"

That just makes Sam run away, screaming, throwing his arms in the air. "Bye, sugar-boo!" Lindsay calls out in a smile, waving.

"Dean!" Sam yells as he runs into the apartment for the fiftieth fucking time, Dean sitting on the couch and reading the paper again. "Hey!" he smiles, bringing the paper down. "How'd things go with Lindsay?" "I have to break up with her!" Sam yells. "What? Why?"  Dean asks. "Well, first off, Brandey has bipolar disorder and is in a mental hospital" Sam explains. "Huh. Interesting..." Dean says, nodding. "And second, Lindsay's just too clingy!" Sam yells. "And Brandey even told me so! I should've listened to her" Sam says. "Lindsay wants nine kids, Dean! Nine kids!" he yells. "Dude. Chill" Dean says. "Just break up with her tomorrow at school.  How bad could it be?"

"HOW DARE YOU SAM WINCHESTER! HOW DARE YOU BREAK UP WITH ME AFTER WE JUST GOT BACK TOGETHER! YOU MONSTER!" Lindsay yells the next to him the next morning in the ninth grade hallway at school; making him flinch and everyone take notice. "YOU KNOW I'M GOING THROUGH A TOUGH TIME WITH MY SISTER IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL AND MY BIPOLAR MOM! I COME FROM A LINE OF CRAZY PEOPLE, AND EVERY DAY I GET SCARED THAT I'M GONNA BECOME CRAZY TOO! DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS?!" she screams, her eye twitching. "Lindsay I hate to break it to ya but you are crazy..." Sam says. "I'M NOT CRAZY! YOU'RE CRAZY! YOU'RE A FREAK, SAM! A FREAK! YOU'RE CRAZY! YOU PROBABLY DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE...LIKE HUNT MONSTERS OR SOMETHING! YEAH THAT'S IT! YOU HUNT MONSTERS! I'M JUST GONNA LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW THAT SAMUEL CHARLES WINCHESTER, HUNTS MONSTERS...!" she screams. "Uh Lindsay I never told you my middle name..." Sam awkwardly says. "I looked at your birth certificate" she says casually. "Where'd you get my birth certificate...?" "I made a copy" she tells him. "Now you can go and take your actual birth certificate, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR-" the bell then rings. She groans, stomping away. "See ya crazy!" Sam calls out.

"Hey Sam" Abby-the girl that had kicked him off the mathletes-says later that day, walking up to him as he's casually walking to lunch. "Hey..." is all he says, not getting the best vibe. "I just wanted to say that you're allowed to rejoin the mathletes if you'd like" she tells him. Sam's eyes sparkle, his heart filling with joy. "Really?" he smiles. "Yeah; me and the other girls are sorry for being so rude to you. Plus, Lindsay just resigned today, and it would be cool if you could take her spot" Abby says. The sparkle from Sam's eyes disappears. "L-Lindsay quit the mathletes...?" he sadly asks. "Yeah, she said she needed to 'find herself' or something" Abby explains. "Oh..." Sam awkwardly says. "Well she is going through a lot. With her mom being bipolar and her sister in a mental hospital and all..." he says. "Yeah" Abby agrees. "Kathryn says she never talks about it to anyone." That brings Sam's attention. "Kathryn said that?" he asks, starting to wonder how close Kathryn and Lindsay actually were. "Yeah. They're like, best friends" Abby says. The blood drains from Sam's face. "Oh...That's nice..." is all he can say. "W-where is, Kathryn, anyway?" he curiously asks. "She texted me saying that had a doctor's appointment this morning and her mom just let her stay home" Abby explains. "Oh" Sam says. "So how are you holding up with breaking up with Lindsay?" Abby asks. "Alright, I guess. I sorta feel bad for her, ya know?" he asks. Abby nods. "I think she has some sort of mental disorder" Sam admits. "After I broke up with her, at random times, she just calls me from an unknown number and when I pick up she just screams 'heartbreaker' and hangs up" he explains. His phone suddenly rings in his pocket. They stop walking. "Hello?" he answers, holding it to his ear. "Heartbreaker!" screams Lindsay's voice, before hanging up. "See what I mean?" Sam asks, putting his phone back in his pocket, looking at Abby. Abby then looks over at the closed janitor's closet that she and Sam are standing in front of. "What is it?" Sam asks. Abby walks over to the door and opens it, revealing Lindsay sitting there, holding her cellphone and a pack of gummy bears. She's currently gobbling them down, aggressively swallowing them with a gulp as she scowls at Sam and Abby. "This is my hiding spot" is all she grumbles. "Abby, what are you doing hanging with this tramp?" Lindsay snaps. "I was just telling Sam that he could rejoin the mathletes if he'd like" Abby simply explains. "What? He deserves no mercy!"  Lindsay yells, making Sam cringe. "Lindsay, we need someone to fill your spot because you quit..." Abby tells her awkwardly. "Well then I quit everything!" Lindsay yells, standing up, dropping her cellphone and gummy bears. "Lindsay, what are you talking about?" Sam asks, furrowing his brow. "I'm getting on a train. I'm leaving this town!" Lindsay yells to them. "Lindsay-"Abby says but Lindsay interrupts "No! I'm sick of everyone controlling me! I'm running away! To Las Vegas! Where dreams are made!" "Um, that's Hollywood" Sam corrects. "Shut up, Sam! Y-you lemon...!" Lindsay yells to him, starting to shake. "Lemon...?" Sam whispers to Abby. Abby just shrugs. "Lindsay Caterpillar Weaver is out!" Lindsay yells, throwing her fist in the air in justice, before running out if the school laughing like a crazy person. Sam and Abby just stare forward. Abby blinks. "Her middle name is...caterpillar...?" is all Sam can ask, extremely puzzled by that. "I never knew her middle name" he adds. "Well she clearly knows yours..." Abby says. "Don't remind me..." Sam replies.

"Hey" Sam says as he walks into the apartment later that day. "Hey" Dean says back, sitting on the couch again. He turns the TV he was watching off, and turns to Sam. "How'd your break up with Lindsay go?" he asks. "Uh...she sort of...made a scene" Sam says awkwardly. "I think I cracked her, Dean!" he's suddenly worried. "What do you mean?" Dean asks, furrowing his brow. "Another girl and I found her in the janitor's closet eating a pack of gummy bears. She lashed out at us and told us she was going to run away! She ran out of the school, Dean! I'm worried!" "Relax" Dean tells him. "She's just brokenhearted, ya heartbreaker." "She's called me that fifty two times today..." Sam says. "Well don't sweat it. She'll move on. You'll move on" Dean says. "I hope so" Sam says dryly, looking into space, especially hoping that she'll move on. "And I almost forgot" Dean says, snapping Sam out of his thoughts and making him look at him. "I made myself a dentist appointment in about an hour. You want to come with me or stay here?" he asks. "I'll come, I guess" Sam mutters.

As Sam reads his book, sitting in the waiting room at the dental office, waiting for Dean to come out, he suddenly realized how many memories this place brings. Well, two, at least. He suddenly noticed Kathryn's mom working at the front desk and perks up. He stands up and walks over. She wasn't working when he and Dean came in so it must be her shift. "Mrs. Johnson?" he asks, reading her name tag. She looks at him. "Oh! I remember you!" she smiles. "You were the boy that needed the dental tools!" "Yeah, uh-Sam" says himself. "Um, how's Kathryn?" he finds himself asking. "Oh, why she's good. She talks about you quite a lot." Sam's eyes widen. "R-really?" he asks, blushing. "Why yes. She wasn't at school because she had a physical at the doctor's this morning. In fact she's actually here." "She is?" Sam asks, raising his eyebrows. "Yes; wandering around here somewhere. It's her favorite place to hang out." "Oh. Okay" Sam says, not noticing how weird that had just sounded. "You might be able to find her camping out in room two 'o four. That's her favorite room." "Okay..."

Sam finds room two 'o four, and knocks. "Come in" he hears Kathryn's voice. He enters, finding Kathryn sitting in the dental chair, a blanket over her body, as she watched iCarly on the TV. "Oh! Sam! Hi!" she says, smiling and blushing, looking at him. "Hey. Your mom said I could find you here. My brother has an appointment." "Oh really? That's a coincidence. Cool! My mom let me stay home because I had a doctor's appointment this morning."

"So, here?"

"Yeah. B-but I'm not sick...o-obviously" she says, her cheeks going red. Sam smirks. "I see that" he smiles in a slow tone. "Ooh!" he smiles, suddenly noticing iCarly playing on the TV. "iCarly! I love this show!" "Me too!" Kathryn smiles. "It's the one where their biggest fan is over obsessive!" 'Reminds me of Lindsay' Sam can't help but think, looking into space. He looks back at Kathryn. "Want to watch it with me?" she asks, blushing.

"Coolness!"

"So did anything interesting happen at school today?" Kathryn asks Sam as he sits next to her in the chair and they share a blanket at a commercial. "Ummm..." Sam wants to tell her about how he had broken up with Lindsay. "I broke up with Lindsay" he tells her. Kathryn's eyes widen. "Really?" she asks, sounding surprised, and even sort of happy. "Yeah. She's just so clingy! And...crazy!"  "Yeah, she gets like that" Kathryn says awkwardly. "She had recently texted me saying that she was in Nevada or...something. Saying she needed to 'find herself.'" "Abby told me that she had quit the mathletes. And this was after I broke up with her" Sam says. "Huh. Weird" Kathryn says. Sam nods. "Plus...there was sort of another reason why I...broke up with her..." Sam says. "What was it?" Kathryn asks. Sam stares at her. "Uhhh...I..." And that's when the door is bursting open. Kathryn and Sam look over. It was just Dean, holding one of the assistant dentist's up in the air. They were making out, and he slams her up against the wall. "Ahem" Kathryn says. Dean and the girl break apart.

"Sam?"  
"Dean?" It was quiet. "So who's the chick?" is all Dean asks Sam, talking about Kathryn. "Dean, get out" Sam snaps at him. "Fine. I didn't mean to interrupt you guys watching..." he looks at the TV. "iCarly?" he then curiously asks. "Dean. Get out" Sam says, his teeth clenched. Dean scoffs. "Whatever. C'mon Jessica. Let's get out of here" he says, turning to the supposed girl. "We'll only be a couple minutes" Dean tells Sam, looking at him and Kathryn. "Okay..." Sam says. Dean and Jessica leave, Dean closing the door behind him. "Sorry about that" Sam slightly laughs, turning to Kathryn. "It's okay" she slightly laughs back. "My brother's the same way. Kinda...not really..."

Sam and Kathryn are obnoxiously laughing and pointing at the TV two hours later, still watching iCarly, when Dean-alone this time-bursts in again. Sam and Kathryn instantly stop laughing, the blood draining from their faces in embarrassment, and look at Dean. "Sammy. We need to get Japanese fireworks. Now. Let's go." "What?"  Sam asks, frowning. "What the hell are you-" "I'll give you five minutes" Dean interrupts, before walking out, slamming the door behind him. Sam huffs and looks at Kathryn. She shuts the TV off. "So I'll see you at school?" he asks as they both stand up, taking the blanket off of them. They walk over in front of the door. "Yeah...you will..." she says. They're about to kiss when Dean flings the door open, hitting Sam, making him yelp out and fall to the ground. "We don't have all day, Sam. God!" he yells. "You said five minutes" Sam says, still on the ground. "Well that was five minutes to me. C'mon!" Dean says, helping him off the ground and pulling him out the door. "Bye Kathryn-" but Dean is already slamming the door closed again.  
"Dean, why the hell are we in NEVADA?" Sam asks him two hours later as they get out of the parallel parked impala on the side of an empty road. "Because. As I was making out with Jessica I got an e-mail saying that the best Japanese fireworks were in that abandon shed over there" Dean explains, pointing over to the shed five feet down from where they are, sitting on the grass. "Dean, are you sure this isn't some sort of SCAM?" Sam asks. "Well it DID give my phone a virus" Dean responds.   
"Dean, phones can't get viruses."   
"Well whatever. Just c'mon."  
"Uh I think I'll just stay out of this..." Sam states.   
"Fine. I'll go alone, then. Pussy." Dean nastily insults, before starting to giggle and trotting over  to the shed. Sam sighs, and walks over to a nearby bush to urinate.   
He starts peeing, and suddenly hears a girl shriek "EWWW!!"   
Sam screams and starts to squirm around, his pee going everywhere.   
Lindsey pops up, wearing a camouflage outfit, war face paint, and a tree hat. Sam screams again, asking "Lindsey?!" Zipping his pants up.   
"Sam?! Your ding a ling is so tiny!" She cries. "IT IS NOT!" He defends.   
"What's going on?!" Dean asks, running over to them. "Lindsey's here!" Sam yells.  
"He peed on me" Lindsey states.  
"Sam! That is no way to treat a woman!" Dean scolds. "It was an accident! I didn't even know she was here!" Sam explains.   
"Lindsey, what are you doing here?!" Dean asks.   
She sighs. "Honestly, Dean, this whole email about Japanese fireworks was a set up."   
"I knew it!" Sam yells. "Rats" Dean grumbles. "What was the point of getting us here?" Sam asks. "Sam, you broke my heart. So for revenge, I wanted to take something that's important to you,  away from you. So when Dean was gonna walk into the shed, I was gonna blow him up with a bomb I planted in there. But you're urinating ruined everything, and broke my bomb setter off-er!" She explains.   
"Oh my God!" Sam yells.   
"So now, I'm gonna DESTROY YOU GUYS!!!" She screams, jumping out and attaching them both. The boys scream like pussies, as Lindsey attempts to beat them up.   
Dean struggles to reach for a giant rock laying around, nearby. He chucks it at her head, and she falls onto the ground, unconscious.   
The boys sit up and breathe heavily, staring down at her body. Blood drains from her wound.   
"Let's put her in the backseat and sneak her back into her house..." Dean breathes.   
"Yeah...okay..." Sam whispers.   
Dean wipes tears from his eyes.   
"Dean, are you okay?"   
"I'm just so sad that I never got any Japanese fireworks!" Dean yells, staring to cry.   
"Good grief." Sam mutters.  
Dean climbs through the window leading into Lindsey's bedroom, carrying Lindsey-who's still unconscious-under his arm.   
He throws in Lindsey first, before jumping in the room, smushing her face with his feet.   
"Sam! Come in!" He whispers, looking out the window.   
Sam climbs up the house, jumping through the window and landing on the floor. He stands up, and Dean whispers "Come on. Let's put her in her bed and get out of here."   
They pick Lindsey up, and set her in her bed, under the covers.   
"Let's go. I call shotgun."  
"Dean, you're the one driving."  
"Right."   
Lindsey's door opens, Susan standing in the doorway.   
She, and the boys scream. "What are you two hooligans doing here?!" Susan demands, flipping the lights on. "Uh...we were with Lindsey and she...fell...we decided to turn her home and safe and soundly..." Dean comes up with a story.   
Susan huffs. "Are you kidding me? Why, you could've just left her at the doorstep." She tells them. "What's all that noise?" Gerald asks, walking up next to him wife. "Sam and this other boy were returning Lindsey" Susan states.   
"Well, they could've just left her at the doorstep!" Gerald cries.   
"Uh, guys...?" Sam asks, as he checks Lindsey's pulse.   
"I think Lindsey's dead...!"   
"What?!" Dean, Gerald and Susan yell.


	4. Along Came Brendan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsay gets a new boyfriend, and instead of Sam wanting her back, he finds himself falling for the boy instead.

Chapter Four: Along Came Brendan  
The next day, before the start of school, Sam, every other student that attends his high school, and Dean, stands in the noisy and chaotic cafeteria.  
"I can't believe we're at Lindsey's FUNERAL" Sam cries, Dean standing next to him.  
They wear tuxedos and black shoes. "Rip" Dean sadly mutters. "Where are her parents?" She asks?"  
"They said they were too heartbroken to show up to the funeral" Sam answers.  
"Yikes."  
"Yeah. I'm just so sad-!" Sam starts to cry out, before "Sam!" Kathryn yells, running up to him in a black dress, and black high heels.  
"Kathryn!" He smiles, paying all his attention to her, now. Her nose is red, eyes red and puffy.  
"How are you?" She asks.  
"Good!" He smiles, now happy that he's with her. She frowns.  
"I-I mean, grieving..."  
"It's okay. You didn't know her that well. Not like I did. She was my best friend."  
"I'm sorry" Sam tells her. "Thank you. You guys look nice," she compliments. "Thanks. You too" Sam smiles to her. "I always look nice" is all Dean responds. At the front of the room, the principle taps on the microphone, testing it. "Everyone. Your attention please."  
Everyone continues talking.  
"SHUT. THE FUCK. UP!!!!!" He shouts, making everyone scream and look at him.  
"Can we get this shit over with?" He asks them. "I'm craving a burrito."  
After the long, touching service, Sam and Kathryn walk over to the casket Lindsay's body lies in, everyone else having returned to their classes.  
"I can't believe she's gone" Kathryn says, starting to tear up. After she begins to cry, Sam comforts her by bringing her close to him, and rubbing her shoulders. "It's gonna be okay" he softly encourages. "Thank you. You're sweet." She wipes her tears. After kissing his cheek, they passionately gaze into each other's eyes.  
He pulls her close and kisses her, but after ten seconds, she pulls away.  
"Would it be rude to date your late best friend's ex?" She asks.  
"Probably."  
"Oh well. At least we'll be in Hell together."  
"We can apologize to Lindsay there." He starts kissing her again, the kiss becoming more intense. They wrap their arms around each other. He lies her down on top of the casket, climbing on top of her, continuing to kiss.  
They step onto the floor again, trying not to act too insensitive.  
The casket flies open, revealing a very alive Lindsay, who screams at the sight of Sam and Kathryn kissing. They break apart, noticing her and starting to scream as well. "GHOST!" Kathryn shouts. "It's okay! My family hunts ghosts!" Sam tells her. "Really? That's hot" Kathryn tells him.  
"I'm not a GHOST, you horny idiots" Lindsay tells them, slamming the casket closed. "I've been ASLEEP this entire time."  
"So my brother didn't really murder you by hitting you with a rock?!" Sam smiles, overwhelmed with relief. "Your brother tried to kill her?!" Kathryn yells, frowning. "Only because SHE tried to kill him FIRST" Sam defends.  
"Yikes" is all Kathryn can say.  
"Yikes ME? Yikes YOU guys! Did you REALLY think I was dead?!" Lindsay asks.  
"Yeah!" Sam and Kathryn yell together.  
"Well, as you can see, I'm not. Now if you excuse me, I'll be getting to class, thank you very much."  
"So you don't care that we're dating?" Kathryn asks.  
"Please. Of COURSE I care. You're breaking the girl code, Kathryn! And when you thought I was DEAD!" She scolds her.  
"I'm sorry! He's just so kissable!"  
"That's what I thought, when I was dating him."  
"We've never even kissed!" Sam yells to her.  
Lindsay grabs him, kissing him hard. Kathryn shockingly gasps, as Sam makes desperate noises against Lindsay's mouth.  
She pulls away, saying "Well now we have.  
I will take you back, Sam Winchester. I can and I will! And we WILL have nine kids!"  
Sam squeaks in fear.  
She walks out of the room.  
"Sam? Are you okay?" Kathryn asks him.  
"Two girls in one day? Man. Dean will be so proud of me." Is all he says.  
For a few minutes, everyone is shocked to see that Lindsay is actually alive, but stops caring shortly afterwards.  
"I don't know if we should be seeing each other so publicly, Kathryn." Sam tells her in a worried hushed tone at lunch. "Lindsay's pretty crazy. What if she does something-"  
"Crazy?" Kathryn finishes his sentence.  
"Yes!" He cries out.  
"We can hang out on the roof until next period, if you want," he suggests.  
"Hm. That seems like a fun and non-dangerous place to spend time with each other. Let's go."

"Are you sure she won't find us here?" Kathryn asks him, after he leads her there. "Nonsense. Now; let's kiss." They start to do so, and thirty seconds later, Lindsay climbs up a ladder she set up in front of the school, stepping onto the roof. Sam and Kathryn pull apart, gasping at the sight of her. "Lindsay! A little privacy, will ya?" Sam asks her. "Sam is mine!!!!" Lindsay shrieks, charging towards Kathryn. Kathryn screams, having no choice but to throw her off the roof. They hear her scream all the way down, and look below the edge.  
She lands in a random highly attractive boys arms, causing Kathryn to whisper "Dammit," only to trip and fall off the roof, herself.  
She face plants on the ground next to the boy who's still holding Lindsay, quickly bleeding out and dying.  
"Why didn't you catch both of them?!" Sam shouts to the boy.  
"I only have two arms; geez!" The boy defends.

After school, at Kathryn's funeral, everyone including Dean again, stands in the cafeteria, crowding and chatting before Kathryn's casket.  
"She was such a good kisser" Sam cries, wiping his tears.  
"It's okay Sammy. One of my one night stands died the morning after, when she got hit by a bus. Was depressed for days" he tells him, bringing him in for a hug.  
"Sam" Lindsay calls out, walking up to the brothers. Sam looks at her, scowling. "Dammit Lindsay; no! I will NOT be your boyfriend!"  
"Oh. Don't worry about that. I have a new boyfriend now."  
"Who?"  
"Hi there!" The boy Lindsay fell into the arms of smiles, walking up to them and waving.  
"You again?" Sam asks, frowning.  
"My name's Brendan" he introduces himself. Sam doesn't say anything, only looking at the floor and shuffling his feet.  
"I'm sorry for your loss. Kathryn seemed like a nice girl-" Lindsay growls at him, and he stutters "I-I mean terrible. Terrible human being."  
"You were her best friend!" Sam yells to her.  
"Right. WERE. But I stopped BEING her best friend, because of YOU!" She points to him.  
"Get out of here!" Dean yells to them. They leave, and Sam irritably sighs.  
"I feel bad for that guy" Dean tells him.  
"Me too. He's gonna get sucked into Lindsay's tornado of craziness. We have to save him before it's too late."

"Hey Brandon" Sam greets, running up to him the next morning in the hallway.  
"It's Brendan."  
"Yeah yeah whatever but hey um-you and Lindsay haven't gotten...any closer, have you?" He asks.  
"Well, we texted all night last night. She sent me a picture of her coochie."  
"What?!" Sam yells,  
"Yeah. Pretty romantic."  
"Did YOU send her a picture?" Sam wonders. "No. I couldn't get hard. But what'd you want to talk to me about?"  
"Lindsay is REALLY clingy, okay? You gotta end it, man."  
"Brendan?" Lindsay calls out, walking over to him.  
"Are you gonna walk me to class?"  
"Yes, dear. Hold on." He looks at Sam. "I'll see you around" he tells him, before walking off with Lindsay.  
"Brendan wait!"  
But they're gone.

For the rest of the semester, Sam watches in pity and envy, as Lindsay and Brendan continue to be together in public.  
He scowls, watching them kiss, giggle, hold hands, and more.  
The end of the year comes around, and Lindsay and Brendan are voted best couple in the yearbook. Sam gets voted most likely to kiss his girls' sisters.  
Standing in the crowed hallway after last period, groans, slamming the book shut.  
"Hey Sam" Brendan greets, walking over to him holding his yearbook.  
"Hey!" Sam forces a smile. "Uh, congrats on the whole best couple thing with Lindsay..."  
"Thanks! And congrats on...kissing girls' sisters, I guess...?"  
"Uh, that was a joke" he nervously laughs, face turning red.  
"Wanna sign my yearbook?" Brendan asks him, holding it out to him along with a pen.  
"Sure!" He opens it, trying to ignore all the sexually graphic messages other girls had left him, including Lindsay, who said **Can't wait for tonight ;)**  
He shudders, trying not to think of the two of them engaging in sexual intercourse with each other. He signs it, handing it back to him.  
"Thanks. Could I sign yours?" He asks, seeming hesitant.  
"Yeah! Here."  
Getting it back, Sam sees that he had signed it **Brandon** , and frowns in confusion.  
"'Brandon'?"  
"Get it?" He smirks.  
"Oh!" Sam smiles, before they both laugh.  
They smile at each other, before "Ahem." Lindsay stands near them, her arms crossed and eyebrows raised.  
"Oh hey" Brendan smiles, the two of them noticing her.  
"Sign my yearbook" Lindsay tells him, shoving it in his hands.  
He casually sighs his name, and she asks "Seriously?"  
"What's wrong?"  
"Just your name? I at least wrote you a sexual message. Your name is stupid, anyway. It sounds like Brandon, but it's not!" She rants.  
Sam can't help but snicker, and she demands "What, Sam. What's so funny."  
"N-nothing..." He stutters, becoming scared of her again. "I'll sign yours." She pulls it out of his hands.  
 **Have a KILLER summer!**  
Sam squeaks in fear again, once he reads what she wrote.  
"Sam? What's wrong?" Brendan asks him.  
"Nothing." He forces a smile again, closing the book. "Well, we would love to stay and chat, but we're going to the gas station" Lindsay tells him. "We are?" Brendan asks. "Yup."  
"Oh, well, if Sam would like to join-"  
"We don't allow losers, let's go" Lindsay instantly grabs his hand and drags him away.

"They're so annoying!" Sam rants, sitting on the grass in the graveyard Kathryn's buried at, sitting before her grave on his knees.  
"And they got voted best couple. If you hadn't died, maybe we could've gotten voted best couple."  
"Sir," says the gardner who has kicked him out of the yard six times, already, walking over to him. "This is the seventh time you've come here to talk to your dead girlfriend. Don't make me have to throw you out again."  
"But-!"  
Sam stomps into his apartment, grumbling explicit gibberish under his breath.  
"Where were you?" Dean asks, walking into the room. "Were you ranting to Kathryn again?" He asks, frowning and crossing his arms.  
"Maybe..."  
"Dammit Sam. You gotta stop. You're getting like Frank from Shameless."  
"What?"  
"Amazing show. You should check it out. Lots of sex. But anyways, how was your last day of school?" He starts to smile.  
"Alright. I had to watch stupid Lindsay be all affectionate with Brendan."  
"You don't want that crazy freak back, do you?"  
"What? No. They're just...what's the word I'm looking for-"  
"Annoying?"  
"Yes!"  
"Sam, do you think maybe you're jealous of Lindsay?"  
"Why would I be jealous of her."  
"I mean, maybe you like Brendan-?"  
"What? Dean, no. He killed my girlfriend."  
"It's not his fault he couldn't catch her."  
"Yes it was! Ugh!" Sam yells, before storming into his room.  
"I have an idea!" Dean suggests, walking into his room, trying to cheer him up.  
"What..." Sam asks, moping on his bed.  
"How about we go to Jack In The Box to celebrate your birthday?"  
"You know I hate Jack In The Box, Dean! And my birthday was a month ago."  
"I know. I just really love Jack In The Box."  
Sam sighs, and Dean assures him "Don't worry Sammy. I'll take your mind of off all this Lindsay crap. We're gonna have the most epic summer ever!"  
Two weeks later, the brothers sit on the couch, watching the movie Speed, while eating Chinese food with chopsticks.  
"Why is Sandra Bullock so hot?" Dean asks.  
"Why is Keanu Reeves so hot?" Sam asks back. Dean stares at him, and Sam stuffs a bunch of food in his mouth so he doesn't have to speak.  
"Are you sure you're not gay?" Dean asks him.  
"Dean, I made out with Kathryn like, two times. I enjoyed every second of it."  
The movie ends, and Dean says "Hey-I have an idea: you're sixteen now; how about I teach you how to drive?"  
"Okay! Sure! I mean-how hard can it be?"  
"STOP THE CAR!!!" Dean shouts to Sam, who's uncontrollably speeding the impala down the highway. "I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!"  
They crash into the local mental institution, Sam slamming on the brakes in the same room  Brandey just happens to be staying in. Sitting on her bed, she gasps and notices them.  
"Dean! You came back for me!" She smiles.  
"Uhhhh sure...!" Dean smiles, starting to sweat. Brandey gets in the back seat, and Sam, suddenly knowing how to now drive perfectly, pulls away from the building, and drives back down the highway.  
"Thank you guys so much for breaking me out. Shit was starting to get boring in there. So how's my sister?"  
"She's fine. We broke up, I started dating her friend, but she died, and now Lindsay's dating some new guy" Sam explains.  
"Who's the motherfucker this time?"  
"His name's Brendan. He's hot-I-I mean nice." Sam starts to sweat.  
"And he's...not considering suicide?" Brandey wonders.  
"I don't think so. She doesn't seem that clingy towards him."  
"Cool, cool now take me home. I wanna scare the shit out of my family."

"Monica! We're so glad you're back!" Susan smiles, her, Gerald, Brandey Sam and Dean now all standing in their kitchen.  
"MY NAME IS BRANDEY!"  
"We're sorry! Don't hurt us...!" Gerald begs.  
"Oh, thank you so much for busting her out. We've missed her so much" Susan smiles to the brothers.  
"No problem..." Sam tells them.  
"So where's Lindsay?" Brandey asks her parents. "She's out with her new boyfriend" Susan tells her.  
Sam can't help but roll his eyes. "I'm glad you're back, Brandey." Dean smiles to her. She winks at him. Sam frowns. "Brandey, do you wanna go out some time? Like right now?" Dean asks her.  
 _"What?"_ Sam asks.  
"Oh, why Dean! Yes!" Brandey smiles.  
 _"What?"_ Sam repeats. "Let's go!" Dean smiles. He picks her up, and carries her out of the house, closing the door behind him.  
Gerald and Susan stare at Sam, who returns awkward stares back.  
"Would you like a sandwich, dear?" Susan asks.  
"No thank you" Sam responds.  
"I was asking Gerald."  
"Oh..."  
Later that night, Sam sits on his bed, reading Diary Of a Wimpy Kid, waiting for Dean to get back from his 'date' with Brandey.  
Wiping his tears, he whispers "It's just so beautiful."  
There's a knock on the door, causing him to sigh, and put the book down.  
"Right in the middle of another good part" he grumbles, stomping over to the door and swinging it open.  
"Brendan?"  
There he stands in the hallway, panting like a dog, and sweating uncontrollably.  
He notices his very large hard on, and gulps, trying not to get hard, himself.  
"What happened?! Did Lindsay try to kill you?"  
"No. We had sex."  
"What?"  
"But I'm pretty sure I overdosed on viagra. She was too busy yelling at me about how we didn't get to finish, so this was the only place I could think of coming to."  
"How do you have my address?"  
"I hacked into the school's computer earlier today. You need to take me to the hospital!"  
"Of course! I'll drive you."  
Sam gets the keys to the impala, and they run all the way out of the building, and into the car. He starts the engine.  
"Sam, do you even have your license?"  
"No, but don't worry. I'll get you to safety."  
He slams on the gas pedal, speeding out of the lot, making the tires screech.


	5. Overdoses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Sam comes to terms with his feelings for Brendan, he and Dean find out that Brandey might be pregnant for REAL this time.

Chapter Five: Overdoses  
Anxiously sitting in the waiting room of the hospital nearest to his apartment, Sam's cellphone rings.  
"Hello?" He answers.  
"Where the hell is my BABY?! And you, too!"  
"Brendan came over. He overdosed-"  
"Oh my God what?! Is he okay?! Has he ever shown signs of depression-?!"  
"On viagra" Sam finishes.  
"Oh. Oh. Did you and him...get a little-"  
"No, Dean! He was with Lindsay! She didn't even help him."  
"Oh. So where are you guys now?"  
"The hospital. Where do you think, Dean?"  
"Sorry" he replies sassily. "Just get yourself back here in once piece. And that includes the car."  
"Okay." "Actually, don't come back for another hour. Brandey and I are gonna play cat and mouse, if you know what I mean."  
"Don't get her pregnant." "Shut up. Bye."  
They hang up.  
Brendan and his nurse walk out. Sam smiles. "Are you okay?" He asks, standing up. "He'll be fine" says the nurse. "Be careful next time, you two."  
The boys freeze. "Oh...uh-we weren't-" Sam starts, but Brendan interrupts him "I was...with my girlfriend."  
"And she didn't help?"  
"She yelled at me, does that count?"  
"No! You had to take so much viagra to have sex with her, that you overdosed?"  
"Yeah..."  
"You on any medications?"  
"No,"  
"You're gay." "Excuse me?" "Oh honey that's not an insult it's a fact. Your 'girlfriend' ever get you hard?"  
"No."  
"Stare into each other's eyes" she tells him and Sam.  
Sam gulps, looking into Brendan's eyes. They both blush harder than ever, Brendan's dick shooting up faster than you can say 'O.D'.  
"Shit." Says Brendan.  
"But wait! I've never gotten a woody around him!" Sam cries.  
Brendan gawks in offense. Sam's dick shoots up as well.  
"Oh..."  
"Well, it's official" says the nurse. "Dicks don't lie. I think my work is done here." She walks away.  
Sam and Brendan look at each other.  
"Well...you know what they say about puberty..." Is all Sam can say. "Yeah." Brendan nervously chuckles. Their dicks go soft.  
"So anyways, thanks for driving me. You saved my life" Brendan tells him, as they walk out of the building.  
"Oh, I wouldn't say that..."  
"You did. Thank you. And I'm sorry about Kathryn."  
"It's fine."  
"No. It's not. I could've caught her. But I didn't."  
They now stand in front of the impala.  
"It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself for that..."  
They gaze at each other for a few moments, before Brendan breaks eye contact.  
"I should probably drive you home..."  
"Yeah...thanks again."  
When Sam stops the car in front of Brendan's house, cutting the ignition, they see Lindsay sitting on the porch, scowling at them.  
"Shit" they say together. "Brendan!" Lindsay yells, stomping over to the car and banging on the window. Sam has the windows slowly roll down, and Brendan asks "Yes dear...?"  
"I'm breaking up with you."  
"Really?" Brendan asks, Sam enthusiastically smiling the same word. They stare at him.  
"Carry on..." He tells them.  
"Why?" Brendan asks Lindsay.  
"Because you're fucking awful in bed."  
Sam frowns. "Lindsay! Don't be rude!" He chides. "Well sorry! It's the truth! His thing was in me for one minute, and then it went soft."  
"Yikes" Sam can't help but mutter.  
"You can't just break up with me because of that! Come on. We just need to practice more. No one's first time is perfect." Brendan tells her. "Edward and Bella's was," Sam points out. They both shush him.  
"Goodbye Brendan."  
"Lindsay wait-!"  
"SILENCE!" She shouts. Without another word, they watch Lindsay run out of Brendan's development.  
"I'm sorry Brendan..." Sam tells him softly.  
"It's fine..." Brendan lies, sniffing and wiping away the tears that were going down his face. Sam politely pats his shoulder.  
"Besides-I would've been breaking the code not to date your friend's ex, anyway." He smiles at him.  
"We're friends?" Sam smiles.  
"Yeah! Of course." He undoes his seatbelt. "Thanks for helping me. Bye."  
"Bye" Sam smiles. Brendan exits the car.  
Sam watches as he enters his home.  
Once he sees the door shut behind him, Sam sighs, whispering "shit I'm fucking bi." He starts the car, turning up the loud angsty emo music on the radio, and speeding away.  
Three miles on the way back to the apartment, he hears police sirens. "Shoot" he whispers, turning the music town and pulling over.  
"Problem, officer?"  
"License and registration?"  
"Problem, officer?" He repeats, trying to stall.  
"You ran a stop sign. I'm gonna have to give you a ticket and see your license."  
"Uhhhhhh........" 

The cell door slams closed, Sam helplessly holding onto the bars inside.  
"Please! Let me out! I'm supposed to have a Speed Racer movie marathon with my brother tomorrow!" He begs.  
"No" the same officer that arrested him commands, walking over in front of the cell, crossing his arms. "Your bail is set for a thousand dollars."  
Sam gulps. "You get one phone call."

"Dammit Sam!" Dean greets, he and Brandey walking in front of the cell he's still trapped in. His shirt is unbuttoned, and Brandey is barefoot.  
"Brandey and I were getting it on!"  
"I don't care! Do you have the money?!"  
"Yep. Here." Brandey pulls it out of her pocket.  
"Where'd you say you got that, again?" Dean asks her suspiciously, squinting his eyes.  
"Uhhhhh...I got a job..."  
"Where?" He crosses his arms.  
"Taco Bell."  
"Brandey..." He gives her a sharp look.  
"I actually stole it from Taco Bell, but whatever." She clarifies. "Brandey! I thought you were better!" Sam scolds.  
"Do you wanna get out of jail?!" She threatens.  
"Yes ma'am...!" He shakily answers. 

The three of them return to the apartment, and Dean tells Sam that Brandey's gonna spend the night. "Fine. But you guys better not 'keep me awake' if you know what I mean." He tells them irritably.  
"Relax, Sam. I ran out of condoms a long time ago."  
They all stare at each other.  
"Shit!"  
"Guys, you just had sex. You're not gonna be able to find out if she's pregnant now" Sam tells them, as Dean and Brandey drag him through the nearest gas station, trying to find a pregnancy test.  
"Well what if I get pregnant?!" She yells.  
"Curse my sperm" Dean grumbles.  
"Take the morning after pill" Sam advises.  
"But it's not the morning after!" Dean cries.  
"Well Dean, there's no such thing as the 'twenty minutes after' pill. So just get it!"  
Accidentally taking too many, Dean and Sam have to rush Brandey to the hospital.  
"So will I not get pregnant?" Brandey makes sure, two hours later after her stomach's been pumped, standing in the waiting room with Sam, Dean, and her nurse.  
"All the pills are out of your system. So it's still possible for you to get pregnant" the same nurse that Brendan had, tells her.  
"Oh, can't you just give her an abortion just in case?!" Dean anxiously cries.  
"Dean, I don't think you know how these things work." Sam tells him.  
"When you get home, take one pill. Twelve hours later, take one more. Do you understand these directions?" The nurse asks Brandey slowly.  
"Yu-huh."  
"Good. Hopefully you won't come back soon. Nice to see you again." She looks at Sam.  
"You too..." He says awkwardly.  
Brandey takes one pill when they return home, but forgets to take her second dose, twelve hours later.  
"Brandey? Did you take your next pill?" Dean asks her, the next morning.  
"No...oh shit!"  
So for the next fourteen days, Brandey takes one pregnancy test a day, just in case.  
"Woohoo!" Brandey smiles on the fourteenth day, checking the negative test in her hand, sitting on the toilet. "You're not pregnant?!" Dean smiles, he and Sam barging into the room.  
"Nope!"  
"Good to hear, hon'!" Susan smiles, sitting in the kitchen with Gerald.  
Brandey pulls up her pants, and flushes the toilet. "Throw this in the trash" she tells Sam, tossing the test to him. "Ah!" He yells, running over to the trash can and dropping it in. He frowns, noticing something abnormal. "Brandey? Did you take another pregnancy test earlier?" He asks, taking the second one out.  
"No. We agreed one a day."  
"This one's positive..." Sam announces, staring at it.  
No one speaks. "Dammit Mom!" Brandey screams to her.  
"It can't be her. She's too old" Dean says.  
"It's defiantly not me" Brandey says, as she suddenly gets her period. They walk out into the kitchen, where Gerald and Susan are sitting. Lindsay walks through the door, casually asking "What's up?" She notices Sam. "Oh. Ugh." She closes the door.  
"Lindsay..." Susan dramatically starts.  
"What?"  
There's a knock on the door. "What?!" She repeats, opening it. There stands Brendan, making Sam drop the pregnancy test on the floor.  
"What do you want?" She asks him.  
"Lindsay. I want you back. I want to be in your life" he starts, stepping inside. She exhales, closing the door.  
"You're gonna have to be, now. She's pregnant" Dean reveals to him.  
He's speechless, until noticing Sam.  
"Oh! Uh-uh hey Sam...!" He turns red, chuckling awkwardly and getting an erection.  
Noticing his bulge, Dean asks "Are you hard?"  
"SHUT UP!"


	6. Bi Times Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After they find out she's pregnant, the brothers, Brendan, and her family think Lindsay has bipolar disorder. Sam finds his feelings for her returning.

Chapter Six: Bi Times Two  
"You're pregnant?!" Brendan yells to Lindsay.   
"Yup."  
"But I was only in you for five minutes!"  
"Five minutes too long" she corrects.   
"So are you gonna keep it?!" Dean asks thoughtfully.   
"Eh. Why not," says Lindsay, glumly. "Lindsay! I can't believe this! What has gotten into you?!" Susan scolds.   
"Me" Brendan answers. "He's not wrong" Dean mutters. "And you guys call me the bad child?!" Brandey asks her parents.   
"You still had a pregnancy scare," Sam clarifies. "Well Lindsay really is pregnant!" Brandey yells to him.  
"How do we even know it's Brendan's?" Sam asks. "Excuse me?" Lindsay asks to him.  
"Um, no offense, but-"  
"TAKE THAT BACK!" Lindsay demands, grabbing him and slamming him up against the nearest wall.   
He whimpers. "Sorry ma'am...!"  
"Yup. She's pregnant" says Dean. "And probably mentally ill, too." Brendan mutters. "Excuse me?!" Lindsay yells to him.  
"I'm-I'm not insulting you, but-isn't your mom bipolar? And Brandey, too?"  
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm-"  
"Wait. Brandey isn't even related to your guys' family, yet she and Susan are both bipolar?" Dean asks.  
"I know. Weird, huh? What a big coinci-dinc!" Brandey smiles.  
"Guys, shut the fuck up. Just because my mom's bipolar, doesn't mean I'm-"   
"What a beautiful day!" Lindsay smiles ten minutes later, happily spinning around in the kitchen.   
The next day at noon, Sam, Dean, and Brendan stop by the Weaver house, to check on Lindsay.   
"She hasn't gotten out of bed yet" Susan nervously tells the boys, she and Gerald sitting at the kitchen table, Gerald reading the paper.   
"Haha! Those peanuts comics get me every time" he smiles, wiping a tear from his eye.   
Susan happily gasps, looking near the entrance of the kitchen.  
"There's my beautiful girl! Look who came to visit you!"  
The boys all scream at how awful Lindsay looks.   
She hisses at them.  
"How are you feeling?" Brendan asks her.   
Scowling, she ignores them, and runs to the bathroom to puke.  
"Morning sickness" Sam states proudly again.  
"Sam, shut the fuck up" Dean tells him.  
"I need to put some of my pills in her food. I feel so bad for her" Susan pouts.   
"Eh, she'll be fine" says Gerald, who's still reading the peanuts comics.   
"Well, when you're a mix of Ian and Debbie Gallagher, I wouldn't expect you to be very happy," Dean points out.  
"What?" Sam asks him.  
"Shameless, Sammy. Watch it" he demands.  
Brandey walks through the door, announcing "I got bagels!" Shaking the bag in the air.  
"Hey babe!" Dean smiles, walking over to her and kissing her cheek. She laughs obnoxiously. "Hey baby. Where's Lindsay?"   
"Puking" Sam answers.   
"Ah. You think she's craving bagels?" She sets the bag down on the table.   
"Ooh! Bagels!" Lindsay smiles, running into the room, wiping some puke from her mouth.  
"Isn't today beautiful?" She asks, taking an everything bagel out of the bag and taking a bite.   
It starts to rain.   
"Not anymore" says Dean.   
"Rain is God crying tears of joy" she smiles.   
"Lindsay, don't you think your mood is shifting...very frequently?" Susan asks.   
"What? Nonsense!"   
"Lindsay, I think you should take some of my medicine."  
"Why?" She frowns.   
"Because you're bipolar" states Sam. "I am not! Me and my baby are perfectly fine!"  
"About that Linds', maybe you should...abort it..." Brandey awkwardly tells her.   
"I thought you were against abortion!"   
"Not when there's a chance you could pass bipolar disorder down to the thing."   
Lindsay gawks. "I can't believe this! You want to keep it, right Brendan?" She looks at him.  
"I'd like to, but...Brandey's right. You're mentally ill."   
"You don't know that my baby will be bipolar! So shut up!" Lindsay yells, storming out of the house.   
Dean sighs. "She's right. We don't actually know what she'll pass down to the baby" Sam points out.   
"Do you really want to get back together with her?" Dean asks Brendan.   
"Yeah. I mean, she needs someone to take care of her, and it would be good for the baby to have parents that are together.   
Sam gulps, nodding.   
"I'm gonna go talk to her" Brendan states, waking out of the house.  
Sam runs into the bathroom.   
"Where you going?!" Brandey asks. Grabbing a bagel, she follows him.   
"Why you bein' a pussy and crying? Lindsay'l be fine. We can trick her by making her oatmeal and crushing up my moms pills to mix them in" Brandey explains to Sam, witnessing him crying.  
"No...just..." He trails off.   
"Do you want her back?" She asks.   
"I'm just very emotional, okay?!" He yells to her.  
"Geez-Louise. Calm down. Here. Take a bagel." She throws one at his face.  
"Owe..." He says glumly, before walking back into the kitchen.   
"What's wrong, dear?" Susan asks him.   
"Will you pay attention to your family?!" Dean yells to Gerald, who continues to read the paper.   
"Shh. This is the funny part."  
Sam walks outside, only to see Lindsay and Brendan sitting on the giant rock on the Weaver's lawn, kissing.  
"Whatcha lookin' at?" Dean smiles, peeking out of the door way.   
His smile drops, seeing what Sam can't take his eyes off of.  
"Oh. Yikes..."   
Sam whimpers.  
"Aw, relax Sammy. I give the relationship two days. Tops."  
Three days later, Sam and Dean witness Lindsay and Brendan making out on the Weavers couch. "This stupid remote won't work!" Dean whines, trying to change the channel. Sam sighs.   
"What's wrong Sam?"  
Sam glares at him.  
"Oh. Yeah. Just ignore them."  
The channel changes, to a romance movie. "It's working!" Dean smiles.  
Sam makes a pouting face, seeing a couple kiss on screen. "I'm gonna be forever alone, living with a bunch of cats when I'm forty." He claims.   
"Sam, you're not gonna be forever alone. Don't say that. You'll always have me."  
"Thanks, Dean."  
Brandey walks into the room, grinning and sitting on Dean's lap, only for them to start making out.   
"Agh!" Sam cries, standing up and running into the bathroom.   
Five minutes later, he hears Susan in the living room, trying to get Lindsay to eat oatmeal she mixed her pills into.  
"NO, MOM! I DON'T WANT ANY OATMEAL!"   
"Actually Lindsay," he hears Brendan pipe up. "I think you should-"  
"NO!"   
"Here comes the plane!" Susan smiles.   
"I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!"  
"I'm your mother!"  
"Not YOU! Brendan!"   
Sam then hears her fling the bowl of oatmeal out of Susan's hand, glass breaking on the floor, and Dean asking "Can I still eat it?!"  
Sam sighs, about to walk out of the room, when Lindsay suddenly barges in.   
"Oh. Hey Sam. Now if you excuse me I have some morning sickness to take care of."   
She starts to throw up in the toilet, making him cringe. "Why'd you break up with Brendan?" He asks.   
Lindsay finishes hurling, and looks up at him. "Because he thinks I'm bi."  
"That's me" Sam corrects.   
"You're bipolar?"  
"What?" His eyes widen, now realizing what she meant.  
"Uh..."   
"Whatever. The point is, is that I'm not bipolar. So all you people who think I am, can shut the fuck up. Me and my baby don't need yo lies."   
Later that day, Lindsay is diagnosed with bipolar disorder by a psychiatrist.   
"Bullshit!" She yells, sitting on the table at the psychiatrist's office, as Sam, Dean, her parents, Brandey and Brendan all stand in the corner of the room.   
"You can pick up her medication at CVS in a couple of hours" the psychiatrist tells them, before walking out of the room with their clipboard.   
"Guys," Lindsay announces to them all the next day.   
"I have no idea what you guys are talking about when you say I'm bipolar. I feel completely fine!"   
"That may be because we snuck some of the pills your doctor prescribed to you in your soda, last night..." Brandey awkwardly tells her.   
"What?"   
"Never mind! We're just so glad you're better, babe." Brendan smiles to her.   
"I broke up with you, moron" she snaps to him, frowning.   
"But-!"   
"Brendan, just because you're the father of my child, doesn't mean you have to be my boyfriend again. No offense..."   
He runs out of the room, wailing.   
"I'll go check on him" Sam tells them.  
"Uh...you okay?" Sam asks him, finding him sitting on the couch in the living room.   
"Not really" Brendan answers, wiping his tears.   
Sam sits down next to him. "You'll get over her."  
"I just need a cover up!" He cries.   
"What?"  
"Did I say cover up? I meant beard. I meant girlfriend. Shut up! Stop talking!" Brendan yells to him.   
"Well, if you ever want to talk, we can. We are still friends, after all."  
"Thanks. I'm gonna go home. See you later."  
"Bye" Sam smiles.  
"You're tellin' me" Brendan mutters, making Sam frown. "Excuse me?"  
"Oh well Sam gotta go bye!"  
Brendan runs out of the household.   
"Now you see why I broke up with him?" Lindsay teases, entering the room and sitting down next to him.   
Sam chuckles. "I'm glad you're feeling better, Linds'."   
"Thanks." She grins.   
She leans in to kiss him, but before their lips can touch, Dean and Brandey barge into the room.  
"Yo losers. Leave" Dean snaps to them.   
Lindsay rolls her eyes. "Can't you guys go somewhere else?" She asks.   
"You think that just because you're bipolar now, I'm gonna be all nice to you? No! Scoot!" Brandey yells.  
"I think I'm gonna go back to the apartment" Sam tells Dean.   
"Kay. See you later."   
Sam and Lindsay smile at each other again, before he says goodbye to Susan and Gerald who are sitting at the kitchen table like always, Gerald still reading the newspaper.  
"Bye honey!" Susan smiles to Sam, as Gerald ignores him.  
"Sam!" Lindsay yells, as he walks down their lawn. "Yeah?" He asks, turning around.  
Their passionate kiss lasts for twelve seconds.   
"Lindsay, I don't know if I can do this..."  
"Do what? Date me after I broke up with Brendan?"   
"Yeah..."   
"So? The first time him and I were dating, you guys were friends."  
"Yeah but that's different. I broke up with you."  
"Things have changed, Sam. Besides-it's so obvious he's gay. He never really liked me." "But-"  
She kisses his cheek.  
"See you later" she smiles.   
"Bye Linds'..."  
He walks away.  
Dean, who's been watching through the front window the whole time, gasps.  
"Babe! You ready to watch Twilight?!" Brandey yells out.  
"Coming, dear!"  
"Sam, we need to talk" Dean tells him, the two of them sitting at the kitchen table in their apartment, last night.  
"What about?"   
"I saw you and Lindsay kissing, earlier today."  
Sam freezes. "Oh, uh-"  
"Dammit Sam! She's pregnant! Not even with your kid! And I'm dating her sister!"   
"But-"  
"And you are so obviously into Brendan. Who is the father of her baby."  
"Excuse me?" Sam blushes.  
"I know Lindsay's doing better. And that's great. But Brandey and I were dating way before you and Lindsay got together. So...I win."  
"But they're not really related!"  
"Technically, they are! So you gotta break up with Lindsay, Sam. It's the bro code."   
Sam scowls. "Since when?"  
"Since forever. And you don't even like her."   
"Yes...! I do!"   
Dean coughs, saying "Liar."  
"Whatever, Dean. I'll be in my room." Sam gets up, storming into his room.   
The next morning, the brothers return to the Weavers house. "Hey, babe!" Dean and Sam smile together, Dean walking up to Brandey, and Sam to Lindsay. They kiss their cheeks at the same time.  
"Yikes..." Susan mutters. "Does Brendan know you two are back together?" Brandey asks Sam and Linds'.   
"No" they answer together, as Sam grabs Lindsay's hand.  
Brendan walks into the house, happily greeting "What up people?!"  
He notices Sam holding Lindsay's hand. His smile drops. "The fuck...?" He asks, just before Lindsay throws up all over Sam.  
"Aahhhhh!" He screams.  
"Sorry...!" She tells him.   
"You guys are back together?" Brendan asks them.   
"Brendan can I talk to you for a second" Dean hastily asks, dragging him into the bathroom and closing the door.   
"What?" Brendan asks, wiping his tears.   
Dean sighs. "We all know you're gay as fuck."  
"Excuse me?"   
"If you like Sam, you gotta speak up now before it's too late."   
Brendan nods, running back into the kitchen where Susan is wiping Lindsay's hurl off of of Sam. "Dammit Lindsay! Control your damn pregnancy" Gerald tells her.   
"Screw you, Dad!" She yells. "Did you take your medicine?" Brandey asks her. "No! I don't need that shit!"   
"TAKE IT NOW!" Brandey demands, taking the bottle out of the junk drawer, and attacking Lindsay. Everyone  
starts screaming, right before Brandey shoves the pills down Lindsay's throat, making her swallow. "Done!" Brandey smiles, standing up. "Damn, Brandey! What happened to just sneaking it in her drink?!" Dean asks her.   
"Attacking her is more fun."  
"Stupid bitch" Lindsay says to her. "What'd you just call me, stupid bitch?"  
"I called you a stupid bitch, stupid bitch!"   
"Stop it!" Susan scolds them, as Sam grabs Lindsay's hand, trying to calm her down.  
"Where are you going?" He asks Brendan, noticing he's about to leave.   
"Away" he snaps to him.  
"Brendan..." Sam starts, realizing he's pissed about he and Lindsay getting back together.  
"If you want Lindsay back-"  
"I don't care if he wants me back. I don't want him back! I love Sam" Lindsay interrupts stubbornly.  
"Whatever. I'm leaving" says Brendan, about to walk out the door. "BRENDAN LOVES SAM!" Dean shouts. Humiliated, Brendan runs out of the house. "Later!" He yells, slamming the door behind him.  
"Brendan wait!" Sam yells, letting go of Lindsay's hand.   
They all stare at him. Everyone becomes quiet, until:  
"Well?" Brandey asks.   
"Well what?"   
"Do you love him?" Asks Lindsay.   
He gulps.


	7. By The Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendan makes an unexpected decision, causing Sam and Lindsay to team up with each other.   
> The Weaver sisters and Brendan are unintentionally introduced to the supernatural world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! One kudos made me so happy, haha. Comments are appreciated! :)

Chapter Seven: By The Way  
As everyone else in the room continues to stare at him, Sam gulps. He wipes sweat from his forehead. "Um...I-I-don't know."   
"So there's a chance that you do love him!" Yells Lindsay.   
"I never said that-!"  
"SILENCE!" She yells, causing everyone to jump.   
"Lindsay, chill out. I wasn't expecting your guys' relationship to last anyway. Everyone knows Dean and I are the real OTP" Brandey tells her sister, pulling Dean closer to her.  
"Shut up, Brandey!" Lindsay yells.   
"It's true" Gerald mutters.   
"Screw you, Dad!" "Lindsay? I'm sorry, but...I just really need to figure out my feelings, right now" Sam admits to her.  
"Seriously Sam?! We just got back together YESTERDAY, and you're already breaking up with me?! AGAIN?! GET OUT!!!!!!!"   
"I don't think the medication's working..." Dean whispers.   
"GAH!!!!!" Lindsay shouts, making Sam and Dean scream, and run out of the house.   
"Dammit Lindsay! You need to control yourself. Dean and I were supposed to watch Twilight New Moon today!" Brandey scolds to her.  
"Yikes." Is all Lindsay can say.   
"So what are you gonna do about Brendan?" Dean asks Sam, as they walk back into their apartment. "No idea. But I don't think I should be getting back with Lindsay, again."  
"True that. But do you like Brendan?"  
"I dunno..."  
"Dammit Sam! You're supposed to be smart and have your feelings all figured out" Dean tells him.  
"I know..."   
Dean face palms. "Well whatever. Brandey and I were supposed to watch Twilight New Moon. But you breaking up with Lindsay sent her into a frenzy AGAIN and made us LEAVE! Thanks a lot."  
"If that's the case, then I'm glad she made us leave." 

That evening, Dean drops by the Weavers, to see Brandey. And hopefully watch Twilight New Moon, as well.   
"Oh. Hello Dean." Lindsay greets, after she seems him standing on their porch.  
"Hey. Is Brandey here?"  
"No."   
"Brandey! Your bath is ready!" They hear Susan call out.   
"I'll be right there!"   
"I can hear her!" Dean tells Lindsay.  
"Rats" Lindsay mutters, before saying "If Sam and I can't see each other, then you and Brandey can't see each other either."  
"Hey! That's not fair!" Dean whines.  
"Yes it is!" Lindsay shouts in his face. He jumps.   
"Are your meds not working, or are you just PMSing?"  
"AAAAHHH!" She attacks his face, so that he can't see. He runs into the house, throwing her onto the kitchen table, where Gerald is sitting and reading peanuts comics.  
"Lindsay! Don't be rude!" He scolds to her, as Dean runs upstairs.   
"Dean!" Brandey smiles once she sees him, sitting in the bubble filled bathtub and holding a rubber duckey.   
"Not so fast!" Lindsay yells, running into the room.   
Brandey rolls her eyes. "Lindsay, leave."   
"No! I will not allow you guys to see each other! It's the girl code!"  
"It is not!" Brandey yells, splashing her with water.   
She shrieks. "Whatever. I'm gonna go find Brendan."   
"Why?" Dean asks. "Um, because he's the father of my child???" Lindsay asks him smartly.   
"And, because-"   
"Guys!" They hear Sam, before he runs into the room. "I've-"  
He notices Brandey. "Oh hey Brandey. Nice duck!"  
"Thanks!"  
"Ugh! Get out of here!" Lindsay yells to him.  
"No! You deserve to hear the truth, Lindsay."  
"Well so do you," she starts.  
"I like Brendan."  
"I want Brendan back."   
They both say at the exact same time.  
"Oh snap!" Brandey yells, starting to splash around in the bath.   
"Um, bitch, he was mine first" Lindsay tells Sam. "Well he's always liked me! He was just pretending to like you, and you've even said it yourself!" Sam protests.   
"Guys?" Brendan calls out from downstairs. "Showtime" Brandey smiles.  
"That's the channel Shameless airs on" says Dean.  
"Enough with the Shameless, Dean!" Sam yells.   
Brendan walks upstairs and into the room, but with someone else by his side.  
"Who the hell is that?" Lindsay asks, frowning.   
"This is my boyfriend-Castiel."   
"Hi!" They smile.   
"Yikes" Dean mutters.   
"Aw, Brendan!" Brandey smiles, stepping out of the bath. "You've finally came out of the closet! I'm so proud of you!" She walks over to him, and gives him a big 'ol bear hug.  
"Ah! Get your vagina away from me!" Brendan yells, pushing her away.   
"And bring it over to me" Dean smiles.   
"So this is the chick you got your sperm lost in?" Castiel asks.  
"Yup. And that's Sam. Who I do not love."  
"Bullshit!" Dean yells.   
Brendan shushes him. "Guys, I've finally come to terms with who I am."   
"Gay?" Lindsay asks.  
"Yes, but I was going to say Brendan."  
"No shit" Dean mutters.   
"And I've decided to be a man, and stop being so afraid of the straights judging me. So I've decided to get a boyfriend. Isn't that great?!" He grins.   
"This kid's gonna have some life" Dean mutters to Brandey. "Two daddies and one mommy? Damn!" She exclaims.  
"No! Not damn! Brendan, I want you back" Lindsay tells him.  
"Lindsay I'm gay."   
"So there's still a chance for me?" Sam asks him hopefully.   
"Sam I have a boyfriend."  
"Not for long" Lindsay whispers.   
"What?"   
"Nothing. Scurry along. Nice meeting you Cameron."  
"It's Castiel."   
"Whatever bye." She pushes them out of the room, slamming the door in her face.  
"Sucks to be you guys" Dean tells Sam and Lindsay.  
"Shut up!" They scream to him.   
"Oh, I feel so free!" Brandey smiles, shaking her boobs.

"Sam, we gotta eliminate Castiel" Lindsay tells Sam, the two of them standing in her bedroom.  
"Lindsay, don't you think you're being a little dramatic?"  
"Heaven's sake, no! Now go get a hammer.  
"Lindsay, even if we do get Castiel out of the picture, you know he's still not gonna want you back, right? He's gay."  
"Of course I know that. I'm doing this for you."   
"Really?" Sam smiles, feeling flattered.   
"Eh, not really."   
His smile drops. "But if Brendan has a boyfriend, then he's gonna spend all his time focusing on him, and not me or his child. What if Castiel convinces him to runaway with him, or something?"   
"Then I'll be the baby daddy" Sam suggests, smiling proudly.  
"Ew. No. I wouldn't trust you with my baby for a split second."   
He frowns. "Lindsay, don't worry. I guess we both lost our chance with him." Sam says.   
They both burst out crying.  
Broken-hearted, they decide to watch The Notebook and eat ice cream.   
They almost kiss again, until Lindsay pulls away and says "No."  
"Not again" Sam adds, pulling back.   
"Well, at least we can be heartbreak buddies!" He smiles to her.  
"Never call us that again."   
"Yes ma'am."

The next day, Dean and Brandey ask Sam and Lindsay if they want to go mini golfing with them. "Sure!" They smile to them together, all of them standing in the Weavers kitchen. "After you, friend" Sam smiles to Lindsay, letting her walk ahead of him. She smiles back at him. "Don't you think it's weird how they're all buddy buddy with each other now?" Brandey whispers to Dean.  
"Eh. It's better than them hating each other."  
"Ooh! Ooh! Can we tag along?!" Castiel smiles, he and Brendan sitting at the table and coloring together.   
"But Castiel-don't you like coloring with me?" Brendan asks, looking at him.   
"I'll let you beat me."  
"You're gonna let him BEAT YOU UP?!" Dean screams. "No! Let him beat me at the GAME!" Castiel corrects.  
"But everyone's always a winner!" Sam smiles.   
"Kill yourself" Brandey tells him. "Brandey! Stop!" Brendan yells.   
"Brandey, say something like that again, and we won't get to watch Twilight Eclipse tonight" Dean threatens. She growls. "Okay," she gives in. "Let's go."   
At the golf course, Lindsay whispers to Sam "This is the perfect opportunity to eliminate Castiel."  
"Lindsay, we agreed NO eliminating Castiel!" Sam scolds her quietly.   
"Dean, could you teach me how to swing a golf club?" Castiel asks him oh so kindly.   
"You want me to teach you how to swing a golf club...?"  
"Yes..."   
"Okay, then." He walks over to Castiel, grabbing his arms and having him slowly swing the club forward. "There. You understand?" He asks.  
Cas giggles. "Yes, thank you." Brendan frowns.   
"Oh my gosh. He's totally crushing on Dean! We must eliminate him before he breaks Brendan's heart, sending him into a depression, only to have him kill himself two months later and leave the baby without their papa" Lindsay whispers to Sam.   
"Lindsay, maybe some anti anxiety medication would be good for you, too..." Sam tells her. "And I don't Castiel is CRUSHING on Dean."   
Out of nowhere, Castiel starts to obnoxiously laugh. "Oh Dean, you're so funny" he smiles, putting his hand on his shoulder.   
"I didn't say anything..."  
"That's it! Let's make Brendan jealous so it'll make him realize how much he wants you" Lindsay whispers to Sam.   
"Lindsay, we agreed we would stop getting romantically involved with each other."  
"It's just pretend! C'mon." They hold hands.   
They start the game, and Sam takes the first shot.  
He fails miserably.   
"Um...better luck next time, babe...!" Lindsay tells him.   
Again, Brendan frowns.  
Castiel makes a perfect hole in one. "Yay!" He smiles. "Good job, Cassie-boo!" Brendan smiles, kissing his cheek. Lindsay grumbles. "Uh, Sam and I will be right back. We're gonna..."   
"Feed each other all romantic like" Sam finishes.  
"Sure lets go with that..."  
She pulls him away, retrieving another golf club, and ball.  
"Are we really gonna feed each other?"  
"No! We're gonna hit Castiel."  
"What?! Why?!"  
"Just go with it." She lines up the ball, aiming it towards Castiel. "One, two..." She whispers.  
"Three!" She swings the club back.   
"FOUR!!!!!" Brandey shouts, hitting the other ball with her club, only to have it hit a tree, bounce back and nail Castiel right in the forehead. He collapses on the ground, now unconscious.  
Sam and Lindsay gasp. She drops the club.  
"CAS!" Brendan cries out. "Oh shit" says Dean.  
"Oops..." Is all Brandey can say.   
They bring Castiel back to the boys' apartment, setting him on the couch.   
"Chillax Brendan. We'll just wait for him to wake up" Brandey tells him.  
"But what if he doesn't?!"   
"I'll try to wake him up" Dean says, walking over to the couch.  
"Hey. Castiel. Pss. Cas" he whispers, kneeling down close to his face. "Wake the fuck up" he continues to whisper. Cas puckers his lips, leaning up towards Dean's and making kissy noises. "Ah!" Dean yells, pulling away and hiding behind Brandey.  
"DANGIT!" Yells Cas, opening his eyes and sitting up.   
"What the hell?!" Brendan asks.  
"We're you pretending to be unconscious?!" Sam asks.   
"Uh...maybe..."  
"Why?!" They all ask him.   
Cas sighs, getting up. "Brendan, don't take this the wrong way but...I was only dating you to try to get close to Dean..." He confesses.   
"How could I not take that the wrong way?!" Brendan yells.   
"Um, I don't even know you..." Says Dean.   
"Last year when you were a senior, you and Sam went to the same school as me. I had a major crush on you. Once you guys left, I've been looking for you ever since. I found out you were connected to Brendan, found out he's gay, and pretended to like him."  
"How did you even find out all of those things?!" Lindsay yells.  
"Angel powers."   
"What?" They all ask him.  
John storms into the apartment with a bow and arrow, screaming "AHA!" Pointing to Castiel.   
"Dad?!" Sam and Dean ask together. "You have a dad?" Brendan asks. "Oh yeah. I guess I forgot to mention him" Sam answers.   
"I've been trying to catch this angel for the past six months. And I've finally caught him!"  
"You'll never catch me!" Castiel yells, spreading out his wings and flying through the ceiling, leaving a big gaping hole.   
"Dad, why would you want to kill Castiel? He's completely harmless" Sam says.  
"Exactly. In fact, he's the most positive angel out there. And I hate anything that has to do with positivity."  
"Not surprised" Brendan mutters.  
"What'd you say fool?!" John yells, aiming the arrow at him.  
"I mean, you abandon your kids for God knows how long; not a very good father if you ask me."  
"Don't make me pull this arrow!!!"   
"Dad stop!!! I-" Sam yells, until Castiel suddenly flies back through the big hole he caused, landing on the ground. He snaps his fingers, making John disappear. Everyone else gasps.  
"Where'd you send him?" Brandey asks.   
"Trust me. Somewhere far away" Cas answers. They sigh of relief, until  John walks back into the room.  
"He sent me to the hallway."  
"Dammit Cas!" The others yell to him.   
John huffs. "Fine. I won't kill anyone. But, I have to take this arrow out on SOMEONE."  
He shoots Brendan in the ankle.   
"YOWZA!" Brendan shouts, jumping from the pain, and pulling the arrow out.  
"Dad! That was uncalled for!" Sam scolds.  
"No it wasn't..."   
"So...you're family hunts...angels?" Brandey asks Dean. "Technically monsters."   
"Cool!" She and Lindsay smile in sync.  
Brendan shrieks, running out of the room in fear.   
Sam follows him out into the hallway.   
Everyone else awkwardly stares at the hole in the ceiling. "So...what are we gonna do about the ceiling?" Asks Dean.   
Cas snaps his fingers, having the hole prepared.  
"You know, you're not that bad" Lindsay smiles to him.   
"Want me to snap your baby out of you?"  
"Let's just wait until I actually go into labor. Then you can do that." 

"So, all of it is real? Vampires? Werewolves? Demons? Witches?"  
"Yup-"  
"Ghosts? Magical powers? Spells? Immorality?"  
"Uh-huh."  
"Shape shifters-?"  
"Yes! All of it is real" Sam tells him.   
"Oh crap..."  
"Yeah..."  
After thirty seconds of watching Brendan stare into the distance with wide scared eyes, he decides to tell him "I like you."   
This snaps Brendan out of his daze, making him look at Sam.  
"I like you too. And I regret not telling you sooner."   
They smile at each other. "So want to get a smoothie or something?" Brendan decides to ask.   
They laugh and joke around each other on their way to Smoothie King, Brendan even holding Sam's hand. "Wait hold on" he tells him.  
"Huh?"  
They stop walking. Brendan gazes at him, before touching the bottom of Sam's chin with his finger and slowly pulling his face towards him.   
Sam smiles. Their noses touching and eyes closed, they're about to kiss, when they hear a growl.  
Their eyes open. "What was that?" Sam asks.  
They pull away from each other.   
"No idea. I-" another growl, and Brendan screams again, running away. "Dammit Brendan!" Sam screams, running after him. Not seeing him anywhere, he starts to panic, sweating vigorously.  
But he does hear another scream from Brendan in the distance, along with a much longer, and louder growl.   
"Ah shit!" Sam screams.


	8. Awkward.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam get evicted from their apartment, leading them to live with the Weavers'.  
> Sam tells Brendan a big lie, while Dean and Lindsay get into an 'awkward' situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this made you laugh, please tell me. I'm a sucker for good feedback.  
> If you hated this, tell me so I can cry myself to sleep :)

Part Eight: Awkward.  
"Guys!" Sam screams, running back into the apartment where Dean, John, and Lindsay are all playing cards.  
"What?" Dean asks. "Wanna play cards with us?" Brandey smiles.  
"No! Brendan's missing! We were on a date-I, um, I mean play date-and we heard a growl, he disappeared and now I can't find him! He could be dying!!!!"  
"So you ran back all the way here to tell us?" Dean blankly asks him.  
"Yeah..."  
"Dumbass" Brandey insults.  
"Who cares? It's not like Brendan's important" says John.  
"Shut up Dad!!!" Sam yells. "He's kinda sorta my boyfriend!" "It's about time" Dean comments. "Damn!" Brandey yells. "Rats" Lindsay grumbles.  
"I give it eleven minutes" John states.  
"Shut up Dad!" Sam repeats. "We gotta go find him! He's the father of my child!" Lindsay exclaims. "Well I'm not coming with. I'll just stay here and masturb-I mean master the arts of...watching football" John tells him.  
"Dad, you're coming with us" Dean snaps.  
"No! Have fun without me, fuckers."  
John stubbornly crosses his arms and glares into space, as he stands in the woods, hearing Lindsay, Sam, Brandey, and Dean, looking for Brendan. "Baby daddy?!?" Lindsay screams.  
"Lindsay! Don't call him that!" Sam tells her.  
"Guys?!" They hear Brendan yell out.  
Lindsay gasps. "Come on!" Sam yells, before they all sprint over to where he is, sitting on the ground covered in bruises and scratches, his clothes ripped and teared.  
"Are you alright?!" Sam asks, kneeling down next to him.  
"What happened?!" Dean yells.  
"Oh, quit whining. It's not like he's bleeding to death. Fuckin' pussy" John remarks.  
"Brendan, what did this to you?" Lindsay asks.  
They hear a faded growl, coming from the distance.  
Brendan gasps. "It's coming!" He announces. "What is?" Asks Brandey.  
They all look over in the direction they heard the noise is. They huddle close together, in preparation for what's coming.  
A tiny chihuahua puppy approaches them.  
They growl. "Ahhh! The horror!" Brendan yells.  
"Brendan, this is what attacked you...?" Lindsay asks, unimpressed.  
"Well, no. I just have a fear of chihuahuas..." He tells them.  
"Then what did attack you-?" A giant wendigo pops up out of nowhere, roaring at them.  
They all scream, and the dog growls at the wendigo. They bark, scaring it. They run away, the dog continuing to bark at it.  
"Pussy!" Dean yells out to the monster.  
"They saved us!" Brendan smiles. They walk over and pet the dog. "See Brendan? Chihuahuas aren't that bad" Sam tells him. "I'm gonna name you growler" Brendan smiles to the dog.  
"You guys are a bunch of pussies" John tells them.  
Growler growls at John.  
"Uh...nice doggy..."  
Growler barks, chasing after John. He screams, running away. "Growler no!" Brendan yells.  
"No. Let them" Sam smiles, Dean grinning as well.  
Growler runs back to them, panting happily.  
"Good dog!" Brendan smiles, petting their head.  
"Winchester dad?" Lindsay calls out.  
"I'm bleeding to death!!" He sacredly calls back. "Wanna get some smoothie king?" Dean asks the rest of the group.  
"Sure" they all answer. "Lead the way, growler!" Brendan smiles. They do so, the humans following them.  
Leaving John alone in the woods.  
"Wait! Sam?! Dean?! Can you guys at least bring me back a smoothie?! Hello! I'm still bleeding to death.  
A tree falls down on top of him.  
Back at the Winchester apartment, as everyone is enjoying their smoothies, John storms inside, covered in dried blood and purple bruises.  
"What happened to you?" Dean asks him.  
"I'll have you know, I-"  
"I don't care." He interrupts.  
An apartment complex employee, shoves John out of the way. "Dean Winchester?"  
"Yeah?"  
"You haven't paid rent for the last three months."  
"Ohhhh. Yeah. I was hoping you guys wouldn't notice..."  
"Dean!" Sam yells.  
"Don't worry! I'll-I'll figure something out-"  
They sit in the empty parking lot, awkwardly sipping their smoothies.  
"Great. Now where are we going to stay?!" John yells. "You can stay at our place!" Brandey smiles.  
"Okay-"  
"Not you, Winchester dad. I was talking about Sam and Dean."  
"YAASSSSS!" Brandey shouts.  
"We're gonna be roommates!" Dean smiles to her, taking her hand and jumping up and down with them.  
A mini van speeds up, the window rolling down.  
"Brendan! Where have you been?!"  
"Sorry mom. I was getting over my fear of chihuahuas."  
"It's about time. Get in the car. I cannot be late for therapy."  
"Bye guys." He kisses Sam's cheek, before getting in the back of the mini van, and everyone else watches it speed away.  
"Wheee...!" Smiles his mom.  
Once they get to the Weaver's property, John, holding his finger up, innocently asks "uh, may I stay with them, as well-?" "No" Dean and Sam interrupt together. Them, Lindsey, and Brandey walk into the house, slamming the door in John's face.  
"Mom, can Sam and Dean stay with us? They got evicted" Lindsay explains to Gerald and Susan, who are sitting at the kitchen table and doing a mega jigsaw puzzle of Barack Obama.  
"Why sure, honey!" Susan smiles.  
"Sam can stay in my room" Lindsay smiles flirtatiously, grabbing onto his arm. He frowns, sneaking her an awkward glance.  
"Hm. Sam, I think you should stay in Brandey's room. Ya know, so Dean and Brandey don't become...'active'."  
"But Moooom, I'm horny!" Brandey complains, stomping her foot. Dean grins in satisfaction.  
"Then flick your bean!" Susan screams to her.  
So that night, Brandey does flick her bean. Right next to Sam, in her sleeping bag on the floor of her room. Sam lays in his sleeping bag, groaning into his pillow.  
"Oh, Elvis!" Brandey cries out.  
"Elvis?" Sam asks, after he looks up and cringes at her.  
"DON'T JUDGE ME!" Brandey shouts to him, as she cums.  
As Sam gags, his phone vibrates next to him.  
He looks at it, seeing a text from Brendan. He grins.  
**Hey Sammy! Sorry. My Mom's therapy session took six hours.  
** Oh it's okay! I'm staying with Brandey. I had to watch her flick her bean.  
What?  
Never mind. But what's up?  
My dick.  
Sam freezes.  
**Oops. I meant my duck. They just woke up. His name's Quackles. Did I ever mention I have a pet duck?  
** No. What about Growler?  
He bit my Mom's boob, but everything's okay now :D xD  
Oh...! Well I'm glad everything's okay.  
I wanna fuck pussy.  
What?  
Whoopsies. I meant I want a duck poster. Quack quack.  
Ohhhh. I was gonna say ur gay af.  
Yup. Especially 4 u ;D  
Sam blushes, texting back **HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE xD**  
In Lindsay's room, Dean has to suffer through her phone call with her new boyfriend from Poland.  
"No you hang up...no you hang up. I SAID YOU HANG UP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"  
Dean takes her phone out of her hand, throwing it out the window. "Owe!" They hear someone yell. "Who was that?" Lindsay asks suspiciously, the two of them standing up and running over to the window, opening it.  
"Dad?!" Dean asks, seeing John laying on the grass and warming his hands against a campfire he had made for himself.  
"Oh. Hello."  
"What are you doing out here?!" Lindsay demands.  
"Thanks to you hooligans, I am now homeless!"  
"Good" Dean says.  
"Can you let me in?"  
"No!" They yell together. John huffs. "Fine. Here's your stupid phone back." He throws it to Lindsay.  
"So can you let me in-?" Dean shuts the window.  
Eventually, Dean has to suffer through another one of Lindsay's polish boyfriend phone conversations.  
"What do you mean you're breaking up with me...?! Screw you! I can't believe I ever sent those nudes to you! Goodbye!"  
Dean cringes, as she hangs up. "You sent nudes to him?!"  
"Only my pussy."  
Dean face palms.  
Speaking of nudes, while Brandey's in the bathroom, Sam asks Brendan what's up again, only for him to respond **my** **dick.**  
**Don't you mean your duck?**  
**No, I mean my dick. Because I am horny.**  
Sam instantly gets a woodie.  
**My dick is up too** he admits.  
**Show me.**  
Hesitantly, Sam stands up and drops his pants, taking a snap of his ding dong.  
At that moment, Brandey walks out, instantly witnessing the horrific scene.  
They both scream at the top of their lungs, making Sam accidentally send the picture to Lindsay.  
"What the fuck are you doin' sending pics of yo hotdog?!"  
"Uhhh...I..." Sam starts, sweating. He pulls his pants up.  
"Sexting Brendan, eh?"  
"Uhhh...no...I was sending it to my...Doctor. For a...digital checkup."  
"Some doctor, you have. If you're gonna send that to Brendan, at least photo shop it. Here. You can use the app I used to make it look like we were kissing."  
"Excuse me?!"  
Dean re enters Lindsay's room, sighing happily. "Just sent a dick pic" he smiles. "Whatever" Lindsay mutters, trying to fall asleep. Dean lays down next to her, closing his eyes. Lindsay's phone buzzes.  
"If that's your polish ex tell him to suck a twat" Dean mutters.  
Lindsay gasps, witnessing the dick pic.  
Not reading Sam's name, she grins, closing her phone.  
Now horny for Dean, she goes under his blanket, starting to suck his wiener.  
"Oh Brandey" he moans, before noticing it's Lindsay. "AAAHH!" He screams, sitting up and pulling up his pants. "What the hell?!"  
"I thought you wanted me to!"  
"Why on earth would I want you to do that?!?"  
"You sent me a dick pic!"  
"I did not! I specifically sent a picture of my member to Katie Albertsson."  
"Then who did?" She asks, checking the name.  
"Oh snap...Sam did!"  
After Sam and Brandey makes Sam's penis look like mega sausage, he sends it to Brendan. They high five, Brandey smiling "he's gonna bust a nut so hard!"  
"Sam Winchester you pervert!!!" Lindsay screams, storming into the room along with Dean.  
"Excuse me?!"  
"You sent me a picture of your tiny sausage!" She flashes the picture in his face.  
"That wasn't meant for you! That was meant for Brendan!"  
Dean grins. "You sent your first dick pic?! I am so proud of you!"  
He hugs him. Sam pushes him away. "Pervert!" Lindsay screams to Sam.  
"When you thought I sent you the picture you started sucking my dick!" Dean yells to her.  
"What?!"  
Brandey growls, attacking her sister. "He's mine bitch!!!"  
"Fight! Fight! Fight!" Dean chants, as Sam gets a text back from Brendan.  
**I busted a nut three times to this.**  
Sam giggles, before realizing that he has lied to him.  
Sighing, he walks downstairs, Gerald and Susan still doing their crossword puzzle.  
"What's all that noise, dear?" Susan asks.  
"Lindsay and Brandey are fighting over Dean."  
"Don't blame 'em. Dean's a hot piece of-"  
Sam stares at her. "Can I have your guys' advice?" Same asks.  
"Of course, dear."  
"I lied to my boyfriend about...my height...down there..."  
"What?"  
"Never mind."  
Desperate for advice, Sam goes to funkyteenadvice.net.  
**I lied about my penis size to my boyfriend. What do I do?  
** -Sam, 15, IN.  
He gets a response in under five minutes.  
**Hiya Sam! Jenny here. Have you and your boy toy penetrated each other yet? If not, when he sees your most likely small penis in person, you're gonna be screwed. And not the good kind.  
** Subscribe to our daily news letter! :D  
Sam sighs, before hearing a giant crash upstairs. He flinches.  
"We have a problem here...!" Dean awkwardly yells.


	9. The New Jonnor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Brendan go on a date. We are introduced to Brendan's duck, Quackles.  
> This one is extra weird. But I'm somehow proud of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy my weird ass shit! Comment if you thought it was somehow funny-why the fuck do I write this shit-or if there's a specific part you laughed at, I guess. If you hated it, do not hesitate to crush my dreams. Thank you to Lucifer for inspiring me to write more!!! Rock on! :)

Part Nine: The New Jonnor:

The next morning, the brothers and Brandey all sit together at the kitchen table, eating breakfast. Gerald and Susan cook pancakes together at the stove. "Why are you all so quiet?" Susan innocently wonders. Lindsay, who had just woken up, enters the room with a bandage around her head, due to Brandey pushing her into a nearby dresser and causing her to crack her head open, last night. The nurse that Sam had talked to two times earlier, from the last two visits, whispered to him "Are you and that boy finally dating, yet?" "Yes" he whispered back. "YAS!!!!!" "But I kinda lied to him about the size of my..." He trailed off. "Ding dong" he whispered the words. "Ooh. Damn. Enjoy it while it lasts, kid." "But wait! Is there any way you can perform some kind of surgery-?" But the nurse had walked away. "How you feeling, dear?" Susan kindly asks Lindsay. "Awful."

She glares at Brandey.

"Hey! It's not MY fault you sucked my lover's sausage" Brandey snaps. "How was it?" Susan asks. "Mom!" Brandey yells. "Speaking of sausage" Gerald smiles, serving them a big plate of sausage links. "Thanks daddy" Brandey smiles. "He's not your only daddy" Dean flirts. Brandey giggles, as Sam cringes. Lindsay takes one, starting to suck on it like she sucked Dean's member. She looks straight into his eyes, causing him to shiver. He gets chills down his spine. "Lindsay, is it that time of your pregnancy where you're horny as fuck?" Brandey asks specifically. "I'm pretty sure that's the eighth month" Sam corrects. "It must be kicking in early. Go away, slut." Brandey insults. "Bitch!" Lindsay yells, throwing the sausage in her face. "Girls, girls! Stop!" Yells Susan frantically.

"I'm sorry. I'm just broken-hearted because my polish boyfriend broke up with me last night." Lindsay apologizes. "You had a polish boyfriend?" Brandey asks. "His name was Adok. He broke it off after I sent him pics of my pussy." Gerald gasps in anger. "Lindsay! How dare you get a cat without telling us!!!" He scolds. "Fuck off, Dad" she mutters, walking out of the room. "But Lindsay! Wait! Your medication!" Susan calls out. "Just put it in her Lucky Charms" Brandey states. **Morning** **beautiful** Brendan texts Sam.

After reading it, he blushes, texting back **hey** **you. You wanna go out tonight?** Brendan texts him back almost instantly. Sam freezes, his eyes widening. **Yeah! What would you like to do, exactly?** He sweats as he sends it. **Whatever you want.** Sam starts to hyperventilate. "Sam? What the fuck?" Dean asks. "Did your boyfriend find out that your mega sausage isn't actually mega sausage?" Brandey adds on. "I think he wants to hook up" Sam whispers anxiously, running his hands through his hair. "Aw! My brother's gonna finally lose his virginity. I'm so proud!" Dean smiles, wiping his tears of joy. "No! He's gonna see my penis for what it really is: average." "Sam, if he can't accept your penis for its actual size, then he's not worth it" Dean motivates. "Yeah!" Brandey yells. Sam sighs, before texting him back. **We can see a movie.** He decides to erase it, considering Brendan could try to get it on with him in the back. **We can go out to eat, wherever you'd like** he sends. **Okay! My Mom gave me enough money for Denny's. Sounds cool! See you then**  "Kill yourself" Brandey tells him, seeing all the romantic emojis he had put. "Brandey, you send me emojis all the time" Dean tells him. "Sexy ones, though." Brendan texts back. Grinning, Sam reads it.

 **QUACK**   **QUACK**  

"I don't think his Mom is the only one who needs therapy..." Dean mutters. "Shut up. I accept Brendan for who he is. No matter how strong his duck fetish is" Sam tells them proudly. "What if he makes you dress up as a duck when you guys do the dirty?" Brandey asks. Sam starts to choke on his sausage. "Look! A sneak preview!" Dean smiles, before stopping Sam from dying. Brandey laughs obnoxiously. **I have a surprise for you tonight. Here's  a hint:** heputs many eggplant emojis. Sam screams. That night, Sam frantically knocks on the door of Brendan's home. "Brendan! That strange boy is here for you!!" His mother yells to Brendan, after she flings the door open, scaring Sam. Brendan runs downstairs, holding a Harris teeter bag. "Ready for Denny's?" He smiles. "Yup...!" Brendan's duck, waddles downstairs obnoxiously quacking. "FUCK OFF, QUACKLES, MY DATE IS HERE!!!" Brendan yells, before joining Sam on the porch and slamming the door closed.

"Bring me back a vibrator!" They hear his mom yell to them. "Shall we?" Brendan asks, linking his arm with Sam's. "So what's this 'surprise' you have for me...?" Sam asks nervously, as they're walking to Denny's. "Oh. Yeah." They stop walking. Brendan reaches for his own jean zipper, making Sam flinch. "Sorry. My zipper's stuck." After adjusting it, Brendan takes an eggplant out of the Harris teeter bag, handing it to Sam. "Ta-da!" He smiles. "Oh...! THAT'S what you meant!" Sam smiles, chuckling. "Yup! So what are you thinking of getting-" Sam takes a bite of the eggplant, and starts to wheeze, now sweating uncontrollably. "Are you allergic?!" Brendan yells. "A-p-p-parently" Sam wheezes. "Don't worry! I'll save you!" He fiercely whistles, signaling Quackles.

He runs through the doggy door, running all the way over to them. They get on his back, and he speedily leads them all the way to the hospital. "Back AGAIN?" The same nurse asks them, as Brendan drags Sam into the waiting room of the hospital. "He's allergic to eggplant" he states, as Sam continues to struggle breathing. "For the love of Jesus" the nurse whispers, rolling her eyes and taking out a random needle. Sam gasps, once she sticks it into his ass. "You saved my life!" He tells her. "Yeah yeah, whatever. What happened THIS time?" "I'm allergic to eggplant, apparently." "Oh good. I thought he found out your dick is actually average sized." Sam glares at her. "What...?" Brendan asks. "Uh, I-" "Sam you can tell me anything." "I kinda...uh-" "Just spit it out!"

"I PHOTO SHOPPED MY DICK, OKAY?!"

Everyone else in the waiting room stares at them. "Maybe we should go outside..." He suggests. "Why would you think you would have to do that?" Brendan asks Sam, the two of them now standing outside the hospital. "I dunno...I'm just...average, I guess." "I'll be the judge of that." They both obnoxiously laugh, pointing to each other. "But I have something to confess, too...the reason I didn't send one was because I was...embarrassed...about my..." "Size?" "Oh no I'm huge. I haven't exactly 'shaved' down there yet, and I didn't want you to get grossed out by the hair." "Oh, Brendan come on it's totally normal to have-" Brendan pulls down his pants, revealing his member that has so much hair that you can't even SEE it, making Sam shriek like a girl. "See?" Brendan asks. "Mommy! That boy is part gorilla!" They hear a little girl yell. Brendan quickly pulls his pants back up, blushing. "Come on, let's go" Sam smiles, taking his hand. "I like you for you. So what if your ding a ling is hairy. Or you have a strange interest in ducks. Speaking of that, where's Quackles?" "QUAAAAAAACK!" They hear him scream, before getting hit by a car. "NO!!!!" Brendan shouts, he and Sam running over to Quackles now almost lifeless body on the road, the car speeding away. "Quackles! Say something!" Brendan cries out. "Quack...quack..." They wheeze out, before dying. "NO!!!!" Brendan shouts again, looking up at the sky. "I think we should have a funeral..." Sam shyly admits.

"Sam, can I say something to you?"

"Of course, beautiful."

"There's still a needle in your ass."

"You were staring at my ass?"

 

Back at Brendan's house in his bathroom, they attempt to flush Quackles down the toilet, only for it to overflow. "DAMMIT!!!" Brendan screams. "What are you fags doing?" His mom asks, barging into the room. "Quackles died" Brendan sadly admits. "Oh, thank Jesus, Buddha, and Allah. Finally!"

She leaves the room.

Sam sighs. "It's okay." Sam brings him in for a hug. "I lost my mom when I was six months old." "Sam, that's not relatable at all..." Sam gasps, smiling "I have an idea!" "What?" Brendan pulls away from the hug and looks at him. "I know how we can revive Quackles." "I'll give him mouth to mouth." "I was thinking something a little different." "Hey guys!" Cas smiles to them, entering the bathroom. "So what movie should we watch? I was thinking maybe-" "Um, Cas?" Sam asks. "Yeah?" "We kinda only have you here so you can revive Brendan's duck." Cas stares at them. With a quick snap of his fingers, Quackles comes back to life, quacking happily as he swims in the toilet. "Oh my gosh thank you so much Cas-!" He snaps his fingers again, making Quackles bite Brendan in the ass. "YOWZA!" "I hope you guys give each other AIDS" says Cas, before flying through the roof. "BRENDAN!!!!!" His mom shouts. Brandey took Lindsay out for frozen yogurt, Dean is getting the impala washed, and Gerald and Susan are pet sitting for their relative. "We're alone" Sam smiles, as they enter the Weaver house, closing the door. "Yeah..." They instantly start to kiss, but after a few seconds, Brendan pulls away and asks "What if we DO give each other AIDS like Castiel said?" "Well, we don't have to do 'that', but we can still do other stuff" Sam suggests. "Okay! But, do you mind if I shave in the bathroom?" "Take all the time you need." Almost an hour later, Sam bangs on the bathroom door. "Brendan, instead of banging on this door I should be banging YOU! What's going on?!" He hears a sharp cut, and Brendan scream.

"I THINK I JUST GOT MY PERIOD!"

Brendan had accidentally cut his dick open after only shaving half of the hair off, causing it to bleed severely. Now wrapped in a bandage, he and Sam sit on the couch, awkward silence between them. "You know, maybe I can lick the blood off" Sam flirts, smirking. "That's nauseating." "Sorry. Growing up in the hunting lifestyle has caused some weird fetishes of mine." Brendan laughs. They begin to cuddle, Sam resting his head on Brendan's chest. "I'm really glad you were here for me tonight. Quackles dying, Quackles coming back to life..." "Thanks for taking me to the hospital. And accepting me for my...size."

"Of course. I like you for who you are on the inside, Sammy. Not what you look like on the outside. I mean, don't get me wrong, you're still hot, but-"

They laugh. "But really though I think you're overreacting. Lemme see it." "I dunno..." Sam blushes. "Oh, come on. I won't poke at it. Promise." Sam sighs. "Okay." They stand up, Sam pulling his pants down. "Oh God. Am I really that small?" Sam asks, after Brendan hasn't said anything for a few seconds.

"You're hairless...I wish I was hairless."

"Oh. Well on a scale of one to ten-"

"I want to suck it."

It stands up, as Sam's eyes widen.

"I'd like that."

"What if it doesn't taste good?"

"Just pretend it's a Popsicle."

"The ones with the jokes on the back of the sticks?" "There's the spirit" Sam motivates. Brendan starts to suck. After Sam moans only one time, John climbs through the window. "AH!" Sam yells, pulling his dong out of Brendan's mouth and pulling his pants up. "Is my tongue too sharp?!" Brendan asks, before noticing John. "Oh. H-hello sir. Uh we were just-" "I don't care. Is there beer here?"

"Dad, leave" Sam snaps. "No." "Brendan show him your dick." "Um...okay." Brendan unzips his pants. John scoffs. "Yeah, right. You think a jizz machine is gonna-AHHHH!!! GORILLA! GORILLA!!!" He shouts, instantly climbing back out the window. Sam sighs. "Does my dick really look like like a gorilla?" Brendan asks unconsciously. "Your dick is beautiful." Brendan wipes sudden happy tears. "Thank you so much. Your dick tastes like mashed potatoes." "Really?" "Nah I'm just messin' with ya. Oatmeal." They cackle and point to each other again, just as Brandey, Dean, Lindsay, Gerald and Susan return. "We're back!" Susan beams. "Baby is washed!" Dean smiles. "My frozen yogurt gave me an orgasm" Lindsay states. "I watched!" Smiles Brandey. "Good...!" Sam forces a smile. "Hey Brendan" Dean says. "Hey I was not sucking your brothers member if that's what you were thinking-" Sam covers his mouth. "He's joking." He says, before taking his hand away. "Why's the window open?" Gerald asks. "Dad tried coming in." "God damn-DAD!" Dean yells, he and the others stomping upstairs. "That was close" Sam tells Brendan. "Yeah. Sorry I'm such a bad liar." "It's okay. You're lucky you're cute" Sam flirts. "Shut up" Brendan laughs, before Sam kisses him. Causing them to break apart, Dean shouts from upstairs "WHY IS THERE BLOOD AND PUBIC HAIR EVERYWHERE IN THE BATHROOM?!"


	10. What To Expect When You Already Know What To Expect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is Brendan's daddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the fuck even is this chapter I'm screaming

Part Ten: What To Expect When You Already Know What To Expect:  
"Ugh, I'm so PREGNANT!" Lindsay yells, walking downstairs into the kitchen, later that week. Dean, Sam, and Brandey sit at the kitchen table together, as usual.  
"Really? We thought you were fat" Dean teases.  
"FUCK OFF DEAN!"  
"Hey! You sucked my dick!"  
"Yeah, so?"  
"Nothing. I just like reminding you." Lindsay rolls her eyes. "Where are Mom and Dad?" She asks Brandey. "Food shopping."  
Brendan enters the house, Quackles by his side. He obnoxiously quacks.  
"Hi guys!" Brendan smiles. They all greet him, Sam being the happiest. "Hi baby mama!" He smiles to Lindsay.  
She flips him off.  
"Hi daddy!" He smiles to Sam, waving.  
"Brendan, I think you should stay off the internet..." He tells him.  
"But that's where I run my duck blog!"  
"Man you really ARE gay" Dean mutters.  
"I said my DUCK blog!"  
"Oh..."  
Sam walks over to him. "Where's Lindsay?" He asks. "Chasing Quackles" Brandey answers.  
"GET BACK HERE!" Lindsay shouts to him, chasing him around in the dining room, as he quacks repeatedly.  
She walks back into the room. "Do not chase my duck!" Brendan scolds. "Bitch fuck off with yo lies I can do whatever the fuck I want-"  
Quackles pisses on her.  
"Aaahh!" She shrieks. "Hooray!" Dean smiles.  
Castiel pops up in front of the window, squinting at them. "I know how to get back at Sam and Brendan..." He whispers, snapping his fingers.  
"I can't believe your stupid duck peed on me-!"  
She instantly goes into labor.  
"What the fuck?! It's only been a couple weeks!" Brandey yells, as Lindsay starts rolling around on the ground. "I'm confused. Are we having a dance party?" Dean asks. "Talk about a premie" Sam mutters.  
"But I'm not ready to be a daddy!!!" Brendan shouts, starting to have a panic attack. "It's okay! I'm here to comfort you" Sam tells him, pulling him close. "HELLO??!?" Lindsay shouts, continuing to roll around.  
"Push!" Dean tries to support, throwing his fork at her.  
"I'll push YOU!" She threatens.  
Brandey takes off Lindsay's pants and undies, spreading her legs apart. "AHH!" Everyone else screams, at the hideous sight.  
"We're back!" Susan smiles, she and Gerald walking into the house with grocery bags. "Oh my Moses what is happening?!" She demands.  
"AHHHH!!" Lindsay screams, starting to push the baby out.  
"How is she giving birth NOW?!" Demands Gerald. "We don't know!" Brandey yells.  
Quackles runs around in tiny circles, quacking. The baby gets closer and closer out of Lindsay's vagina. "Five! Four! Three! Two...!" Sam counts down the time of arrival, sounding like Freddie from iCarly.  
Lindsay screams again, the baby exiting her, and laying on the floor, wailing. "It's a girl! Look! There's her pussy!" Brandey smiles. "My daughter!" Brendan exclaims happily, picking it up. "I WANT TO HOLD IT!" Lindsay yells.  
"Yes ma'am...!" He fearfully hands it to her.  
"What are you gonna name it?" Dean asks.  
"How 'bout Monica? We need to call SOMEONE around here Monica" Susan suggests. "Okay!" Lindsay smiles. "Monica!!" Brendan smiles, taking her from Lindsay.  
Still watching from the window, Castiel snaps his fingers again, making Monica explode.  
Everyone screams.  
With another snap of Cas's fingers, Monica reappears in Brendan's arms, now cooing happily. "What the duck is happening?" Brendan asks. "Quack quack" blabs Quackles. Dean looks out the window, spotting Cas. "CAS!" He screams.  
He appears in the room. "Oh. Hello." He crosses his arms. "Why'd you make me give birth early?!" Lindsay demands,  
"It's my revenge."  
"For what?"  
"Brendan and Sam made me feel like a loser. So this is my revenge."  
Everyone else scowls at them. "Castiel, we're sorry!" Sam pleads.  
"Yeah yeah whatever. Bye."  
"But-!"  
Castiel has Monica disappear, back into Lindsay's belly. Her bump reappears. "Where'd she go?!" Dean yells.  
"Back in Lindsay's belly. You'll give birth to her when you're supposed to, again. You just got a sneak preview."  
"But...!" Lindsay begs.  
"Goodbye." Cas disappears, only for John to fall through the ceiling, and onto the floor.  
"Dad! What the hell?!" Dean yells.  
"I was staying in the attic, okay?!" He yells to them.  
"Good grief" says Sam.

"And this is where I keep my booze," John explains to the rest of them, giving them a tour of his attic man cave, a bunch of beer bottles and weed, laying everywhere. "Can I have a joint?" Dean smiles.  
"No Dean that is my weed" John answers firmly. "Winchester Dad? Can you um, like, LEAVE?!" Lindsay yells to him.  
"Heaven's sake, no! I have nowhere else to stay."  
"Go to a homeless mens' shelter" Dean says.  
"No!!!!"  
They have to throw John out of the house by force.  
"Aaaahhhh....!" He screams, landing in a nearby dumpster.  
That night, Castiel sneaks into the room Dean and Lindsay share, and has her give birth in her sleep. He makes the baby go mute for now, taking her in his arms.  
Dean slowly wakes up, whispering "Castiel? What are you doing here?"  
"Uh, yes. You're dreaming" he whispers back to him.  
"I am?"  
"Yes. And in this dream you are also madly in love with me."  
"Fuck off, Castiel."

The next morning, Lindsay wakes up happily. She stretches, sitting up. "Good morning, baby" she speaks softly, feeling her now flat stomach. She opens her eyes, noticing it. She shrieks for a good thirty seconds.  
Dean shoots up out of his sleeping bag, yelling "will you shut up?!"  
Sam, Brandey, Gerald and Susan all come rushing in. "What's going on?!" Susan asks frantically.  
"I had an abortion in my sleep!" Lindsay yells.  
"Dumbass" Brandey snaps.  
"Did she have a miscarriage?!" Gerald asks.  
"No, dumbass. If she had a miscarriage, then where's the damn dead baby?" Brandey sasses.  
"Well it couldn't have just DISAPPEARED!" Sam exclaims.  
After ten silent seconds, they all shout "CASTIEL!"  
"Castiel! Open up!" Dean commands, the six of them standing on the porch of his home with their arms crossed.  
Brendan opens the door, with a purple mark on his neck.  
"Brendan?!" Sam asks.  
"Oh! Hey Sam! Uh don't come in...!"  
They all shove their way in.  
In the kitchen, they find baby Monica in a high chair, and Castiel stirring a giant smoking pot of hot water on the stove.  
They gasp. "You're making the baby into soup?!" Dean yells.  
Castiel turns around, facing them. "Oh. Hello."  
"Castiel, give us Monica back" Lindsay says.  
"No!"  
Brendan runs up to them. "I-" "How do you explain this?" Sam interrogates him.  
"This morning, I realize I had left my phone charger at your house. I didn't want to wake anyone, so I snuck in quietly. After I grabbed it, I noticed Lindsay didn't have her big fat ass bump sticking out from the covers."  
"Hey!" Lindsay yells.  
"I knew Castiel must have taken the baby. So I came here, trying to get it back. But the baby bit my neck. Ouch."  
"I shall never give this baby back!" Castiel announces.  
"Please! Don't kill her!" Susan begs.  
"Why would I KILL a baby?! Talk about yikes! No! I'm gonna keep it here with me. I want to raise it as my own." Cas explains.  
"Why?!" Everyone else asks.  
"Because I'm lonely, okay?!"  
"Wait-so all of this is because you're lonely?" Sam asks.  
"Yes. Maybe if a certain Dean Winchester would wanna be my boyfriend-"  
"No."  
"Dang it."  
"Cas, Brendan and I are sorry about lying to you" Sam apologizes.  
"Yeah! We'll be your buddies!" Smiles Brendan.  
Cas sighs. "Apology accepted. You can have Monica back. But can I visit as much as I'd like?!"  
"Sure." Says Linds'.  
"Can I visit now?!" He asks, grinning.  
They all enter the house, instantly seeing John sitting on the couch, reading the newspaper.  
Monica, who's being held by Lindsay, wails at the sight of him.  
"Dad!" Sam and Dean scream together.  
"What?"  
"Leave!" They all yell, except Monica who's crying even harder now.  
"Fine. I'll sleep in the garden. But can I at least hold the baby?"  
Lindsay frowns, but gives Monica to John.  
"Make it stop!" He screams to them.  
"'It'?!" Lindsay demands.  
He sighs, walking around the room with them, bouncing her in his arms. As he walks up the staircase, she slowly stops crying.  
"Huh, Dad. You're kinda good at this" Dean points out.  
"Can you be our manny nanny?!" Brendan asks.  
Now standing at the top of the staircase, John gloats "Huh, I am good at this, aren't I?" Before accidentally dropping Monica down the stairs.  
Everyone but him screams.  
Monica lands on the ground. She dies.  
Lindsay shrieks.  
"Noooo!!!!! I left the stove running at my house!" Cas cries.


	11. New OTP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel develops a crush on Lindsay, but has unexpected competition.  
> Sam and Brendan almost have a threesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading-and somehow enjoying; how drunk are you guys?-my weird ass crap!  
> Last chapter was kinda short, so I made this one-in my opinion-long :)  
> Enjoy! Xo!

Part Eleven: New OTP  
Susan insisted on playing the organ at Monica's sudden funeral.  
The music plays throughout the forest everyone is standing in, behind the the Weaver's property.  
Sam, Dean, Castiel, Lindsay, Brendan, Brandey, and Gerald all stand before Monica's tombstone which reads 'Brendan's Lost Sperm'.  
Lindsay wipes her tears. "She was such a spectacular child."  
"We barely knew her" Sam points out. She shushes him.  
"Can't Cas just bring her back to life?" Brendan wonders. The organ stops playing, mid-song.  
They all stare at Cas.  
"Hi..."  
"Cas? Can't you bring Monica back to life?" Brandey asks.  
"I'm done bringing things back to life! I'm tired of being everyone's Jesus! I'm sick of being used!" He rants.  
"Come on, Cas. We're your friends" Sam tries to coax.  
"What's my last name."  
"Uhhh..."  
"Exactly! Goodbye! Forever!" He flies off into the sunset.  
"Castiel!" They all call out. But he's gone.  
Brendan sighs dramatically. "Oh well. Who wants Wendy's?"  
"I do!" Dean smiles, raising his hand.  
"Guys! Stop! My baby is DEAD! And Castiel is GONE!"  
"Oh, he'll come back" Dean says nonchalantly,  
"What about Monica?!"  
"She was only around us for like, five minutes!" Brendan yells. She slaps him. "You terrible father!"  
"Lindsay! Stop it!" Sam yells, pulling Brendan away from her and holding onto his arm.  
They hear a twig snap, before all gasping in fear. "Oh no. Is it another chihuahua?" Brendan asks, before hiding behind Sam.  
"I thought you were over your fear" Lindsay whispers.  
"Growler bit my nose yesterday so it's back in full effect" Brendan whispers back.  
"Pussy" Whispers Brandey.  
"Heyyyy!!!" Brendan whines, making everyone yell at him to be quiet.  
John enters their view. "Dad?!" The brothers yell together. Brendan steps away from behind Sam.  
"Is the baby dead?" John asks.  
"What do YOU think?" Dean asks, scowling.  
"You dropped my baby on purpose!" Lindsay accuses to him. "I did NOT!" John shouts, the echoing noise causing a tree to fall on top of Sam. "Owe!"  
"Sam!" Dean and Brendan yell together. Brendan struggles to lift the tree off of him, so Dean snaps "Oh, I'll do it" and does it himself. "Are you alright?!" Brendan yells, after Dean throws the tree into the distance, helping Sam up. "Not really..."  
"Dad, leave. You're causing chaos wherever you go" Dean tells him.  
"Have y'all not seen your lives?!"  
"Whatever, guys. I'm gonna go find Castiel" Lindsay tells them.  
"Why do you care so much about Castiel, all of a sudden?" Brandey asks.  
"No reason. It just saddens me that he is very lonely..." She partially lies.  
Dean gasps. "Are you having an affair?!" He wonders.  
"NO. Now BYE!" Lindsay screams, before stomping off.  
"She's weird" Dean says. "She's grieving, cut her some slack!" John yells.  
"She's grieving because of YOU!"  
"Bologna!" John screams. "Later, fuckers. Imma pull a Frank Gallagher and be homeless for a short amount of time."  
"You watch Shameless too?!" Dean yells.  
But John walks off.  
"WAIT!!! FANGIRL WITH ME!!" Dean begs, reaching out. "We could bond!" He adds.  
"Dean, do you REALLY wanna bond with Dad?" Sam asks.  
"Ew. No."  
"So...Are we gonna get Wendy's or not?" Brendan asks, taking Sam's hand.  
"YAS!" Dean and Brandey shout together, Brandey jumping into Dean's arms.  
"Ah, young love" Susan smiles, wiping a happy tear.  
"Oh. Yeah. I'm here" Gerald speaks.  
"Did you hear that?" Dean asks. 

"Castiel!!!" Lindsay screams, banging on the front door of his house.  
He opens it, instantly crossing his arms. "Oh. Hello Lindsay."  
"We're sorry, Castiel. Well, I am. Let me be your B.F.F."  
"You tried to illuminate me."  
"Whaaat? No...! Okay maybe I did. But that's in the past, now! We can wear matching friendship bracelets!" She grins.  
"Hmmm. Okay! Come on inside! We can have some tea."  
It's not long before Lindsay is playing footsie with him under the table. Castiel spits his tea out.  
"Uh Lindsay-"  
"Yes Castiel?" She twirls her hair.  
"I am not attracted to you in a romantic manner."  
"You're smart, Castiel" she flirts.  
"I know, but, I don't want to be your boyfriend."  
"You like Dean. I'm guessing you're gay?"  
"I'm actually pansexual, but not pansexual enough to fall for YOU."  
"Excuse me?!" She cringes, offended.  
"Sorry..."  
"I'm grieving over my baby which you MADE ME GIVE BIRTH TO IN MY SLEEP to STEAL and refuse to give back, and this is how you treat me?!"  
"Lindsay I'm sorry I just-" Castiel tries to calm her, but she pours hot tea all over him.  
"AHHH! You crazy psycho! I'm sending you away!" He yells.  
"What?!"  
He snaps his fingers, causing her to teleport to the nearby gas station, where John just happens to be attempting to shoplift beer.  
"Lindsay?"  
"Winchester Dad?"  
"How did you get here?"  
"Castiel teleported me because I was 'being too annoying'" she answers, using air quotes.  
"Not surprised" he mutters.  
"What are YOU doing here?" She asks him. "Trying to shoplift beer" he answers casually.  
"I can do it for you" she flirts, grinning and twirling her hair.  
His eyes widen in amusement.  
"Well hurry up. I'm very dependent on it."  
She frowns.  
After doing so and giving the twelve pack to him outside of the store, she smiles "here you go." Making sure to show her cleavage.  
"Whatever. Now go home." He takes it from her. She gawks.  
"Hey! Did you shoplift that?!" One of three male cops standing nearby yell to John, running up to him. "No! She did!" He points to Lindsay.  
"He made me-!" She's handcuffed by the cops.  
"Wow. You shoplift beer AND you're a prostitute? Damn" one cop mutters, as they take her away to the squad car.  
"I am NOT a prostitute!"  
Once she's booked, she decides for Castiel to be her one phone call.  
"How'd you even get my number?" He asks.  
"Who cares?! Just PLEASE come get me. I'm in jail."  
He teleports her back into his home.  
"Whoa! Thanks!" She says.  
"Yeah yeah, don't mention it."  
"Thanks, Castiel. I'm sorry I poured tea all over you. And heavily flirted with you. And tried to illuminate you-"  
"I get it."  
"So...We friends?" She asks.  
He sighs. "Fine. I need SOMEONE to talk to."  
They decide to watch Diary Of a Wimpy Kid. Lindsay laughs cutely, making Castiel smile.  
"This movie is so funny!" Lindsay smiles.  
"Yeah..." Castiel grins.  
"Roderick is one hot piece of ass."  
His smile drops. "Yeah..." He glumly repeats.  
At the end of the movie, he has a major hard on for her.  
"Hey, I have an idea. Let's watch a scary movie!" He suggests, hoping that she'll get scared so they'll be able to get more physical than Olivia Newton-John.  
"Okay. What movie were you thinking about watching?"  
"I was thinking Saw."  
"Okay..." She says unsurely. He grins again.  
In the middle of Saw, Lindsay doesn't look scared, but rather grossed out.  
As screams and sawing is heard from the TV, guts and gore flying everywhere on screen, he asks "Pretty scary, huh...?" Hopefully opening his arms for her. "More like gross..." She says, covering her mouth.  
"Are you okay?" He asks.  
She throws up all over him. "That's not cute at all..." He says disappointingly.  
After he washes the puke off of him, his last hope is The Notebook.  
"Pretty romantic movie, huh?" He asks her, as Ali and Noah act all romantic together.  
"Twilight's better."  
He cringes.  
He's the only one out of them who cries, at the end.  
"Why aren't you crying?" He asks, wiping his tears.  
"Old people die every day, Castiel. Get over it."  
He shuts the movie off.  
John enters the house, asking "Hey Castiel-you got any more beer? I already drank my twelve pack."  
"I'm a designated driver!" He yells, continuing to cry. "Lame" John comments.  
"Oh. Hi Winchester Dad" Lindsay instantly starts to flirt.  
"Um...How about we watch ANOTHER romance movie?" Castiel suggests.  
"Let's watch Twilight!" Lindsay smiles.  
"I'm gonna have to be WASTED to watch that." Says John.  
He watches it with them while sober, anyway. The only thing that keeps Castiel from falling asleep, is keeping an eye on Lindsay and John, who are sitting super close to each other.  
"This movie is so beautiful" Lindsay smiles.  
"I know..." Says John.  
"But Bella is SO ugly" she comments, cringing.  
"Unlike you" John compliments. Cas cringes.  
Lindsay and John smile at each other, before slowly holding hands.  
Castiel screams in horror.  
"Castiel, calm down. Sparkling vampires are NOT scary" John instructs.  
"You wanna know what is scary, though? How much I love Winchester Dad" Lindsay smiles.  
Castiel passes out, falling off of the couch.  
"Cas?"  
At the Weaver house, Dean asks Brandey "Where has Lindsay been all day?"  
"Eh, she'll be fine" Gerald comments, who's sitting at the kitchen table and reading more Peanuts comics.  
"Where did Sam and Brendan go? They die or something?" Brandey asks. Gerald gasps and smiles.  
"Brendan took Sam to his house" Susan answers, walking into the room with bags of groceries.  
"Yikes" Dean mutters.  
In Brendan's room, he and Sam make out on his bed.  
Quackles quacks at them.  
"SHUT UP QUACKLES I AM TRYING TO MAKE OUT!!" Brendan shouts to him, damaging Sam's eardrums.  
Before quacking in protest, Quackles opens the door and leaves the room.  
"CLOSE THE DOOR!" Brendan yells.  
"Ugh. He acts more like a Mom than my ACTUAL Mom" he tells Sam.  
"Brendan, shouldn't your pet duck being a better parent than your actual Mom be telling you something?" Sam asks.  
"I don't think so," Brendan wonders.  
They resume to kiss, Sam laying him down on the matters and laying on top of him.  
Brendan's Mom walks in with a giant bowl of attempted laundry.  
The boys sit up. "Ma!" Brendan complains.  
"I did your laundry. I think" she tells him, putting the bowl on his dresser.  
"Everything's pink!" He notices.  
"So? You should be lucky you HAVE clothes that what's his face right there can take OFF of you!" She scolds.  
Sam blushes. "Uh..."  
Brendan sighs, getting up and walking over to his dresser.  
"These are YOUR clothes!" He yells to his Mom.  
"Then wear my pantyhose. Could really spice things up between you two." She smirks, exiting the room. "Close the door!" Brendan repeats, before groaning and doing it himself. Sam snickers. "I can't STAND her" Brendan rants.  
"Where's your Dad?" Sam asks.  
"If he's anything like her, I hope he's dead."  
Sam raises his eyebrows. "Damn."  
Brendan sits back down next to him.  
"If it makes you feel better, my Dad's an asshole."  
"I know."  
"And-"  
"You're Mom died when you were a baby" Brendan finishes in a bland tone.  
"How'd you know?"  
"You bring it up every five minutes, Sam."  
Sam scoffs in defense.  
Making sure they'll have no more interruptions, they start to make out again.  
This time Brendan is on top, kissing Sam's neck.  
"Stop she'll hear us" Sam smiles, giggling.  
"So? Do you know how many guys' buttholes she's penetrated right in front of me? I must get my revenge."  
"By penetrating my butthole?"  
"How about we just ACT like we're having sex."  
Sam shrugs. "Okay."  
Back at the Weaver's, Lindsay enters the home, smiling gracefully.  
Dean, Brandey, Gerald and Susan all sit at the kitchen table, doing a jigsaw puzzle together.  
"Life is amazing" she smiles.  
"Meds are in the drawer, Linds'" Brandey mutters, trying to shove a corner piece into the middle of the puzzle.  
"I took them this morning. I have a boyfriend!" She smiles.  
They all look up at her. "What?"  
"Aaahhh...!" They hear a faded scream, getting closer. Castiel crashes through the roof, onto the kitchen floor.  
"Castiel!" They all scold. Coughing, he stands up, putting his wings away.  
"Sorry. I had a few shots before flying" he admits. "But Lindsay, please reconsider this." He faces her. She rolls her eyes, flipping him off. "Reconsider what?" Dean asks.  
"She's dating your Dad" Castiel flat out tells him.  
"THE FUCK?!"  
Back at Brendan's house, he and Sam jump on his bed, to make it sound like they're doing the diddle doo.  
"Oh yeah!" Brendan screams. "Woohoo!" Sam yells.  
Brendan's Mom barges into the room, only wearing a robe. "Can I join?" She smiles, untying the robe and revealing her naked, hairy body.  
The boys scream, falling off the bed together.  
Sam, who lies on top of Brendan, whines "Owe..."  
"What the fuck are you fags doing?" She interrogates. "Ms. Sorenson, right now is not really a good time" Sam tells her.  
"Leave, Ma!!!"  
Growler runs in, biting on Ms. Sorenson's bum.  
"Ahhhh!" She shrieks, jumping through Brendan's window, and landing on the pavement outside. The boys get up, and rush over to the window, looking outside at her red marked ass sticking up in the air. Growler happily stands next to her.  
"Ms. Sorenson?!" Sam asks.  
"Please be dead, please be dead, please be dead..." Brendan whispers, crossing his fingers. "Brendan!" Sam yells, glaring at him.  
"Do you blame me?" He asks.  
Someone enters the house downstairs, yelling out "Hello?"  
"Who's that...?" Sam asks nervously, starting to sweat in fear.  
"It's probably just another one of her boyfriends. It's okay." He calms him.  
A man that looks to be in his mid-forties, with a hairy mustache, walks upstairs and enters the room, smiling at the sight of them.  
"Brendan! Some other boy!" He smiles, having a country accent.  
"Sorry, but, my Mom isn't really..." Brendan looks down at her body on the pavement.  
"Really available right now..." He looks at him.  
"Why, I'm not here for THAT trash bag, I'm here for you!" The man smiles.  
"For ME?"  
Sam makes sure to grab onto Brendan's arm and pull him close. "Why, of course! I'm your Dad!"  
"Papa?"


	12. John Winchester: Loving Husband, Devoted Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Destiel is canon. Kind of.  
> Brendan's Dad isn't an asshole, unlike John who's shitty parenting is really shown in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes a couple uses of the word fag-but mostly by Sam and Brendan referring to themselves as ones, or as Sam puts it 'half fag'. Not meaning to offend anyone <3  
> As always, thank you for reading no matter how you felt about it, and feedback is always preferred.   
> And yes-this chapter title is a Shameless reference ;)

Part Twelve: John Winchester: Loving Husband, Devoted Father:  
"Papa?" Brendan had asked his apparent father, Sam standing right next to him as they both watch in amazement.  
"Why yes! I'm Michael Sorenson."  
"Sorenson is MY last name..." Brendan tells him. "That's because your mama never changed her last name back to her maiden name even after the divorce was final. She is SO obsessed with me" Michael happily explains.   
"Then how come she's never talked about you?" Brendan asks, furrowing his brow.  
"Why'd you even leave if you're so happy to see me?!" He raises his voice.  
"We got married when we were sixteen, Brendan. After six months, I realized how much of a trash bag she was and decided to ditch her. We got divorced. Apparently after I got my sperm lost in her, you were in her belly. She never told me about you. I just found out about you this morning while eating iHop and minding my own business."  
"Is that an iCarly episode?" Sam wonders.  
"Uh oh. You're not his fraternal twin, are you?" Michael asks Sam worriedly.  
"Oh. No. Don't worry. My Dad's an asshole." Sam assures him.  
"Okay. Good. This your boyfriend?"  
"Stalker!" Brendan yells.  
"Heaven's sake, no! Your more erect than I was when I first witnessed Topanga at the age of twelve."  
Brendan looks down at his hard on.  
"Crap..."   
Sam sighs dreamily. "Ah, Topanga."   
"So where's your mother?" Michael asks.  
"She burnt on the ceiling when I was six months old-" Sam begins to explain when Brendan interrupts "He was asking me, Sam-Wait...She burned on the ceiling?"  
"My Dad taped her on the ceiling and set her on fire..." Sam explains.   
"Oh my Lord, your Dad IS an asshole!" Michael exclaims.   
"See?" Sam asks.   
"I'm pretty sure Mom just died..." Brendan explains.   
"O.M.Moses, ya sure?" Michael asks, setting his palms on his cheeks.   
"I hope so" Brendan answers.  
They look back at her body laying face first on the pavement, and decide to poke her butt with a long stick.   
"Yeah...She's dead..." Sam states.   
"Woohoo!" Brendan and Michael smile together.   
"Like father like son" Sam mutters, shrugging. His phone rings.  
"Hey Dean" he answers.   
"Hey...Uh...You guys need to get to Lindsay's like...Right now..."  
"Did Castiel bring Monica back to life?"  
"Worse."   
"Okay..."   
He hangs up. "We gotta get to Lindsay's" he tells Brendan.  
"My baby mama who's not my baby mama anymore? Alright" he answers.  
"You have a baby mama?! I thought you were a fag!" Michael yells.  
"I AM a fag" Brendan states casually.   
"The faggiest" Sam adds. "What about you?" Michael asks him.  
"I'm part fag" he explains. "Ah" Michael replies amusingly.  
Michael drives Sam and Brendan to the Weaver house in his race car, accidentally crashing into the kitchen. Castiel, Dean, Brandey, Gerald, Susan, John, and Lindsay all stand there, flabbergasted. "Oops! Whoopsies" says Michael.   
Castiel sighs, rolling his eyes and snapping his fingers. Michael, Sam and Brendan now stand in the kitchen, his race car sitting in the parking lot. The hole in the wall is repaired.  
"Woah! That boy is on speed!" Michael yells, pointing to him. "I'm an angel" he states.  
"Oh my Moses!"  
"That's what I say" Susan pipes up.   
"Who's this?" Dean asks. "This is my Dad Michael" Brendan tells them.  
"He looks like a child molester" Lindsay points out.  
"Thank you, I try" Michael smiles.   
"Where's your Mom?" Dean asks.   
"Dead, I think" Brendan answers, grinning.   
"My Mom is also dead" Sam states.  
They ignore him. "So what's the big news?" Brendan asks them.  
"Lindsay and John are dating" Susan answers. "I thought his name was Winchester Dad!" Lindsay exclaims. "See?! She can't even remember his real name and they think it's a good idea for them to date?!" Brandey shouts. "Imma slap the stupid right outta ya!" She yells to Lindsay.   
In the midst of the sisters trying to wrestle each other, Sam passes out.  
They all gasp, except for John who smiles.   
"Sam?!" Brendan yells, kneeling down next to him and trying to slap him awake.  
"So your ex baby mama is dating your boyfriend's father?! This is the twilight zone!!" Michael yells to him.   
"I'll slap him awake," John suggests. "No you won't!!!" They all yell to him.  
Sam wakes up five minutes later, still on the floor, in a daze.   
He slowly notices Lindsay looking down at him, before screaming "GAH!!!" And trying to attack her. She screams. "Sam! Stop it! That's my job!" Brandey scolds, pushing him away.  
"Sam, I know it's a lot to take in, but I love your father" Lindsay tells him gently.  
"And I love her money-I-I-Mean her..." John says.   
"Oh, I wanna send him to Easter island so badly" Castiel grumbles.   
"Your relationship is illegal!" Dean yells to Lindsay and John.   
"It's only illegal if we do the nasty. I mean, WHEN we do the nasty" Lindsay smiles, looking at John and smirking.  
"Go fuck someone your own size" he tells her. "I already did!" She looks at Brendan.  
"Brendan, are you sure Lindsay didn't turn you gay? I mean, none of us would be surprised since well...She's Lindsay..." John tells him.  
"Hey!" She yells in offense.  
"She didn't turn me gay, but I'm pretty sure she turned me MORE gay" Brendan says.   
"You DO seem like a despicable girl" Michael tells her.   
"Screw you, father of my ex baby daddy!"   
"Come on Lindsay. Let's get me some more beer" John says, holding her hand.   
Castiel growls like a dog.   
"What, mutt?" John asks.  
"RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF!" Castiel shouts, attacking him. "Castiel! You freak!" Lindsay screams.  
"Castiel can I talk to you for a second?" Dean asks frantically, pulling him into the bathroom and closing the door. He locks it behind him.  
"I like where this is going" Castiel smiles.  
"No, you freak. I want to talk to you. Listen...It's obvious you're into Lindsay."  
"Whaaat? Noooo..." Cas blushes, getting a woodie.   
Dean stares at him. "Anyways, I get why you hate my Dad now. We all do."  
"I've always hated your Dad" Cas states.  
Dean nods. "Anyway, I'm going to do something I'd never thought I'd hear myself say...I'm going...To help...You..."  
Cas gasps and smiles, folding his hands together. "Really?! Oh, Dean, thank you! How?"   
"Castiel...I'm...Going to...I'm going to PRETEND...To be your boyfriend." Dean tries not to gag. "But what about Brandey?"  
"I'll let her in on the plan...But...Cas, we're gonna fake it harder than Karma and Amy."  
Castiel happily gasps.  
"PRETEND. A.k.a NOT REAL, NOT HEADCANON in the slightest. I still think you're a freak. Like, a major freak. But the point of this plan is to get you with Lindsay, and to break her and my Dad apart. Mostly to break her and my Dad apart. You DO still like Lindsay and NOT me, right?" Dean asks.   
"Yuh-huh. I wouldn't say I'm entirely over you yet, but Lindsay...She's the sun to my darkness. The peanut butter to my jelly. The Topanga to my Cory-"  
"I get it" Dean snaps. "So...What's the plan?" Cas asks him. "To create a plan" Dean answers.   
He watches Cas grin mischievously.   
"What are you thinking...?" He asks suspiciously.   
"So...You found out about Brendan just this morning?" Susan asks Michael, standing in the other room with everyone else.  
"Yup. I was eatin' iHop."  
"Ooh! I love their pancakes" Lindsay smiles.  
"Quiet, slut" Brandey snaps.  
"I wish I never found out about Sam" John says. "Well you did. And he grew up to be a great person without you having to raise him. Actually, I'm glad you didn't raise him. He would've turned him into an asshole like you." Brendan lashes out at him.  
The hypothetical live audience 'awww's' and 'oooh's'. He and Sam smile at each other. Susan wipes happy tears.   
They suddenly hear Dean and Cas supposedly banging in the bathroom, which is actually just an adult video playing from Dean's phone, that is slightly turning Cas on.  
"Are you hard again...?"  
"Shut up!"  
Everyone in the kitchen gasps. "Oh my God...Castiel paid Dean to have sex with him..." Sam figures. "I mean, that HAS to be the only option" says Lindsay.  
"The fuck?!" Brandey yells, stomping over to the bathroom and pounding on the door with her fist.  
Dean pauses the video. They open the door and drag her inside. Slamming it behind them, Michael asks "Who else thinks they're gonna have a threesome?"  
Everyone else raises their hands.  
"The fucking shit is going on?!" Brandey shout whispers to Dean and Cas in the bathroom, noticing they weren't actually having sex.  
"Cas likes Lindsay. So we're gonna pretend to date to make her jealous" Dean explains in a whisper. "So you have to pretend to be okay with it" Cas adds.  
"You're into my sister? Thank GOD. I mean, yeah you're a freak but it's better than her dating my boyfriend's DAD" Brandey responds.   
"I know, right?" Dean asks. "Plus, they'd have a half angel half human baby!" He beams, before adding "Almost like Twilight!"  
They walk outside into the kitchen, Cas holding Dean's hand.   
Dean tries not to cringe.  
"Dean and I are dating now..." Cas forces a smile.   
Lindsay frowns. "Is this a try not to cringe challenge?" She asks. "Nope...They are in love...And I am totally okay with it..." Brandey grits her teeth, forcing a smile as well.  
"BOTH of my kids are fags? Dammit!" John cries. "THAT'S IT!" Brendan shouts, tackling him to the ground. Everyone except Lindsay who yells "GET OFF MY BOYFRIEND!!!" cheers Brendan on.  
John punches Brendan straight in the face, making Sam shout "DAD!" And pull Brendan off of him. "You okay?!" He asks Brendan.   
"Not really..."   
Sam sighs, bringing him over to the sink and wetting a wash cloth, holding it on the wounded part of Brendan's face.  
"Oh, quit acting like he's dying. I hit both you AND Dean countless times when you guys were younger; you didn't bat an eye."  
"You what?!" The brothers asks together. Cas walks over to John, and kicks him hard in the nuts.  
"AAHHH!" John screams, dropping to the ground on his knees.  
He makes strange whale like sounding noises, whispering "I'm dying..." Before making another whale sound, and falling over onto the ground.   
"Yeah...And I'M being overdramatic..." Brendan says blandly.   
John is now passed out, having Dean to whisper "Let's throw him out on the lawn."  
Everyone else but Lindsay tosses him in the trash can, which sits in front of the curb.   
"He's finally where he belongs..." Says Dean.  
"If this is where my boyfriend is going to live, then I shall stay with him!" Lindsay screams, running over and hugging the trash can where John is stuffed inside.  
They all blankly stare at her.  
The garbage truck slowly drives up, picking the trash can up and pouring the trash inside, which includes John.  
As it drives away, Lindsay shouts "WAIT!!!" Running after it.  
"Some ex baby mama you have" Michael mutters to Brendan. "Tell me about it..."  
"So Brandey:" Sam turns to her.   
"Mm hm?" She asks, attempting to sound nonchalant, crossing her arms and keeping her lips pressed together in a tight line.  
"You're...Okay with Dean and Castiel's sudden relationship?"  
"Yuh-huh bye..." She walks away to the local smoothie king, to sip away her stress.   
Gerald, Susan, Sam, Brendan, and Michael all stare at Dean and Castiel.   
"What...? Dean and I are in a...Healthy relationship..." Cas decides to say. He looks at him. "Right...Honey bunch...?"  
"Sure..." They hold hands again.   
Sam raises his eyebrows. "Okay, well, I'll be inside..." Sam says unsurely, his brow furrowed in confusion.   
He enters the kitchen inside the house.   
Michael decides to follow him. "Y'all alright?" He asks, noticing Sam's staring out the window, with his elbows rested on the sink.  
"Isn't 'ya'll' plural?" Sam asks, looking at him.   
"Yeah, but I just like calling everyone ya'll..."  
"Okay...Um, if you're highly southern-not that there's anything wrong with that-how come Brendan isn't?" Sam asks him.  
"He got his mother's awful non-southern genes."  
"Oh..."   
"I just wanted to thank you for protecting Brendan. You seem to care about him very much."  
Sam nods. "I do..."  
"I wish I knew about him after Sheila got pregnant with him. I don't know why she thought it would be a good idea to keep him a secret, when clearly SHE'S the unstable one."   
Sam nods again.   
"I promise I'm not lying when I say I only just found out about him. I was at iHop."  
"We all know that by now, sir..."  
"I know. I just love talking about iHop" he  says, before grumbling in pleasure. "Mm. I swear sometimes I just wanna take those delicious pancakes of theirs and make sweet love-"  
Sam stares at him, cringing.  
"Anyways...My sister messaged me online saying she ran into Sheila at the grocery store the night before, and Sheila had told her about Brendan after they started talking, not knowing she's my sister."   
"Wow..." Is all Sam can say.   
"How long have you been involved in my son's life? I can assure you it's been much longer than me," he chuckles.   
"Not that long, honestly. But I've felt like I've known him forever..." Sam admits.   
Michael nods. "Well I'm hecka glad that you two can protect each other."  
"So...What, you giving me your blessing or something?" Sam forces a chuckle.   
"It's not my business to give. Actually, I'm asking you for mine. You seem to know what's best for my son. You clearly know him better than me." Michael explains.   
"Well you got mine," says Sam.   
"But you being in his life is up to Brendan, honestly."  
Michael nods. "I know...You're a good kid, Sam. And I'm sorry about your father."  
"It's fine. Dean's my brother. I got him. And Brendan, too."   
Michael smiles.   
They return outside to everyone else, who's standing around and talking about nature.  
"What were you guys talking about?" Dean asks, after noticing him.  
"Blessings" is all Sam can say. He looks at Brendan, the two of them giving each other big smiles.   
"The Big Sean song? That's my jam!" Susan smiles, before starting to dance around.  
"Fuck off, Susan." Gerald says under his breath.   
"HEY!" They hear a familiar sounding woman shout.  
They all look over at her, who stomps over in front of them. "What are YOU doing back here?!" She demands to Michael. "How'd you find out about him?!" She continues to interrogate.  
Brendan's mouth drops open. "Mom?!"   
"I'm not dead, motherfuckers!!!!"


	13. Leprechauns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lol what the duck (get it?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol why are you guys amused by this

Part Thirteen: Leprechauns  
"I'm alive motherfuckers!!!" Sheila yells to all of them. "Dammit Mom! You're supposed to be dead!" Brendan scolds her.  
"Too bad. I'm alive. In fact, I've never felt MORE alive. Now what the hell are you doing back here?!" She turns to Michael.  
She's wearing the same robe she wore when attempting to have a three some with Sam and Brendan.  
"Well you see, this morning I was eating iHop," Michael starts.  
"Get to the point!" They all yell to him.  
"And my sister Carol messaged me. She said you TOLD her about Brendan at the grocery store the night before!"   
"Hey! I didn't know she was your SISTER!"   
"Well she remembers you. I had to find out about my secret son through a FACEBOOK message, Sheila!" He yells.  
"You have Facebook? Ew" says Dean.   
"Can daddy get custody of me?" Brendan asks Sheila.  
"NO! You're living with ME!"   
"But you're so annoying!" Brendan whines.  
Castiel gasps in excitement  
"Mrs. Sorenson," he starts.   
"MS. Sorenson. I'm not married to that trash bag anymore!" She yells. "Say hello to Easter island!" Cas smiles, before snapping his fingers. "What?!" Sheila shrieks, prior to disappearing. Michel and Sam gasp. "Oh, she's gone!" Michael smiles.   
"Thank you Jesus!" He smiles to Castiel.  
"I'm not Jesus. I'm Castiel" corrects himself.   
"Then may the spirit of Christ be in you" Michael smiles, happy tears entering his eyes. "Oh, she's gone! The trash is gone! WOOHOO!" He shouts, laughing happily.  
"Dad you're embarrassing me!" Brendan screams.   
"So now that Sheila's gone, can you live with your Dad now?" Dean asks.   
"I don't see a problem with that," Michael smiled.   
"Yayyyyy!!! Can I bring my duck Quackles?!" Brendan smiles.   
"Why, sure! You're gonna love Ireland, Brendan!"  
"What?!"   
"That's where I live."  
"WHY?!" Everyone screams. "I like it! It's very neat!" Michael comments.   
"I don't wanna live in Ireland!" Brendan cries out. "Uh, you do know that I can just snap you back and forth, right...?" Castiel asks.  
"Oh yeah...Uh, can I at least have a tour of your house?" Brendan asks Michael.  
"Snap your fingers, Angel of Jesus!" Michael smiles. Castiel sighs, rolling his eyes. "I should be getting paid for this" he mutters, before snapping his fingers. "Bye guys! Be right back!" Brendan smiles, waving.  
"Can we come-?!" Dean yells, before Brendan and Michael disappear.   
Sam sighs dramatically. "Long distance relationships are so though" he mutters.   
"I gotta go find Brandey" Dean announces. "Why?" They all ask him.  
"Uhhh...To...Get my money. Because she uh owes me twenty bucks" Dean lies, before sprinting away.   
Everyone is looking at Castiel, who only forcefully chuckles.  
"Brandey!!" Dean yells, running into smoothie king where she sits alone at a table, slurping on a fruity tootie strawberry refresher. She takes the straw from her mouth. "What, Dean."   
"Oh no. How do I handle an angry woman?" He asks himself. "I can HEAR you."   
He sighs, walking over to her. She sets her cup down and stands up across from him.  
"You know Castiel and I aren't REALLY dating, right? It's just pretend so he can win over Lindsay."  
"YES, DEAN; I'M NOT STUPID" she snaps, making him flinch.   
"Then why are you jealous?"  
"Because I don't want to have to PRETEND like I'm not in love with you!"   
Dean slowly gasps for thirty seconds. "You're in love with me?"   
"What no shut up I like smoothies" she rambles, before continuing to sip her drink so she doesn't have to speak.   
Dean grins. "You love me!" He smiles. She stops sipping her drink. He continues to grin. She takes off the lid to her cup, before pouring the smoothie all over him.  
He laughs. "I love you too, Brandey."   
"Good because it would be awkward if you didn't."  
"Um can I get you anything...?" The employer behind the desk asks Dean.  
"'Do I want anything'" Dean mimics him, before scoffing. "I want EVERYTHING."   
At the Weaver house, Sam waits for his toaster waffles to pop up.   
Once they do, Brendan reappears behind him. "Hi Sammy!"   
Sam screams, turning around. "Oh. It's just you. How was Ireland? I missed you."  
"I missed you too!" Brendan smiles, the ten minutes he spent without Sam in Ireland feeling like an eternity.   
"It was nice. My Dad and I hunted for leprechauns."  
"Cool! So, are you gonna stay there?"  
"Yeah. But Castiel can snap me back and forth. I'm paying him in peanut butter crackers now. You can visit whenever you want! We can look for leprechauns!"   
There's a knock on the door. "Come in!" Sam yells out, thinking it's someone they know.  
Several leprechauns burst through the door. "Or the leprechauns can hunt us...!" Brendan yells nervously.   
"Get them!!!" One screams. They all yell out noises, charging for them. "AAAHHH!" Sam yells, jumping into Brendan's arms.   
They all stop, intrigued by the waffles in the toaster. One of them takes them.  
"Hey! Those are mine!" Sam yells.   
The leprechauns stare at the waffles, sniffing them. After the boys' think they're going to eat them, they scream, thinking it's a bomb and throwing them at the boys'.  
"Owe..." They say glumly, together.  
The leprechauns run out of the house, and all the way into town to do some exploring.  
"Are you sure you'll be okay in Ireland?" Sam asks him, getting down from his hold.  
"I'll be fine. It's not like we'll slowly stop talking and break up over video chat like that one gay couple did!" Brendan motivates.  
"I.K.R!"  
At the county dump, John slowly blinks his way awake, laying on the dirt textured ground. Lindsay's smiling face is in front of him, making him scream and sit up.  
"You're up!" She smiles.   
"What are we doing here?!" He demands. "Everyone else stuffed you in trash can. A garbage truck bought you here, so I decided to follow."  
John huffs, standing up with his eyes rolled.  
"Oh, they're gonna pay!" He demands.  
"So you wanna go out or something?" Lindsay asks. He shushes her.   
He sees the same group of leprechauns walking by, all chatting with each other while eating waffles.  
"Hey! You guys!" John yells. They stop walking and look at him. "You wanna do me a favor?" He asks.   
One leprechaun slowly walks over to Lindsay, grabbing her wrist and kissing the back of her hand. "You are wondrous" he smiles to her,  
She giggles. "Teehee, why thank you!"   
John grumbles. "We don't have TIME for this! You gotta DESTROY my idiotic sons and their friends."   
The leprechauns start attacking him, except for the one that is intrigued by Lindsay. "Wanna go back to my house?" She smiles.  
"You betcha!"   
Castiel walks into Lindsay's house, seeing Sam and Brendan waiting for the cake that they 'baked' to finish in the oven.  
Fire sets to the oven.   
"AAAHHH!!" Sam screams. "DAMMIT!!!" Brendan adds. Castiel cringes, stopping the fire with a snap of his fingers. Not noticing him, Brendan gasps. "Magic!" He yells.  
They see Cas, and Sam says "Oh. It's just you."  
Dean and Brandey enter the house. "Now get away from me woman I do not love." He pushes her away. "Hi...Lover!" He greets Castiel, walking over to him.  
"Hey...!"  
Lindsay walks in next. "I'm pretty sure your Dad's getting attacked by leprechauns" she tells  Sam and Dean. "So you're broken up now?" Sam asks, raising his eyebrows.  
"Yeah. I have a new boyfriend now."  
"WHAT?!" Castiel screams. They stare at him. "I mean...Good for you...!" He forces a smile.   
"Guys, meet Stan."  
The leprechaun walks into the house.  
"Hiya!"  
"Lindsay what the fuck" is all Brandey asks blandly.  
"Hey! Don't judge me!" She demands.   
"Uh, Lindsay, you know...Sam and Dean hunt leprechauns...Right guys?" Castiel looks at Dean with hopeful eyes.   
"GAHHHH!!!" John shouts, running into the house with an axe. His clothes are teared, many scratches and cuts covering his face. He cuts the leprechauns head off.   
"Aw, you want me back so much that you decided to kill my current boyfriend! That's so sweet!" Lindsay smiles, folding her hands together. "No; I killed him because they're a bunch of annoying fucks" John snaps.   
"They tried to kill me and Brendan" Sam points out. "On the other hand, maybe they're not so bad..." John suggests, rubbing his chin.   
"Hey!" Sam and Brendan yell together.  
"Well...Dean and I are just gonna go...Do the usual things that couples do...Okay Lindsay?" Castiel asks her. "Whatever." She begins to text on her phone. "Ooh! My polish ex boyfriend wants me back! Should I say yes?" She asks. Castiel sends her phone to Easter island.   
Sheila, who's standing there helpless, notices the phone that appears next to her. "Ooh! A phone!" A monster truck runs over it, crushing it into a million tiny pieces. "WHYYYY..."  
"Hey! What the fuck?!" Lindsay demands, scowling at Castiel back in America.  
"Oops...Oh well uh I'll be at my house...!" He disappears.   
"Isn't he dreamy?" Dean blurts out.   
Lindsay cringes. "Sure..."   
"Brendan, are you ready for Ireland?" Michael smiles, walking into the home with several suitcases. "You betcha, Dad!" He smiles.  
"Castiel, can you, uh, send me and my Dad to Ireland?"  
"You're gonna give me a peanut butter cracker, right?" He asks him.  
"Roger that!"  
"You're supposed to say yes!"  
"Wait! I just remembered that the leprechauns there scare me!" Brendan cries out. "What? Oh, oh no!" Castiel cries sarcastically, before snapping them there on purpose.  
Brendan and Michael stand in the middle of the woods, a group of angry leprechauns standing ten feet away from them.  
"Uh...Greetings...!" Says Michael.  
The leprechauns begin to chase them.  
"AAAHHHH!" The humans scream, sprinting away. One of the leprechauns jump on Michael's back, biting his neck. "YOWZA!" He yells in pain. "So THAT'S where I get it from! Daddy!!!" Brendan screams in fear.  
"Cas! Snap us back!" He yells into the walkie talkie.   
There's static on the other line. "What? I'm in the bathtub." A rubber duckey squeaks.  
"Leprechauns are chasing us!!!"  
They're sent to Castiel's house, along with the leprechauns. "What the hell, Cas?!" Brendan screams.  
"What's all the ruckus?!" Cas demands, walking into the room wearing a bathrobe.  
"Oh shit!"  
One leprechaun ties Michael to a conveyer belt, a giant axe swinging down on the very end. Michael slowly starts moving towards it.   
The leprechauns laugh evilly.  
"Oh no!" Brendan cries.  
Before Michael is killed by the axe, Castiel snaps his fingers. The conveyer belt stops moving, and the leprechauns disappear back to Ireland.  
"Whew!" Michael smiles, before the axe falls on top of his face.   
"My casserole!" Cas yells, realizing that it's still in the oven.   
Back at the Weaver house, Brendan tells the gang "So I think it's safe to say we're not moving to Ireland."  
Michael, who's face is wrapped in a bandage, speaks incoherent, muffled words.   
"I'm glad you guys are okay" Sam says, rubbing Brendan's shoulder. He smiles, before yelling  
"I'm so glad you weren't there, Quackles!" to Quackles who's standing in the corner of the room, leashed to the wall with a dog bowl of lucky charms in front of him.  
"QUACK QUACK."  
"YOU'RE SO MEAN!!!"  
Castiel appears, holding several suitcases and still in a bathrobe.   
"Hi guys!" He smiles. "My house burnt down due to my casserole. Can I stay here?"  
"Why, sure, honey!" Susan smiles.  
"Can't you just rebuild your house with your powers?" Dean whines. "Dean, Cas is your boyfriend. Wouldn't you like him staying with you?" Sam questions, squinting suspiciously.  
"Ummm..."  
"Castiel can sleep in Lindsay's room!" Brandey suggests, trying to forward the plan.  
"He's gay, so, fine by me" Gerald says.  
"I'm NOT gay! I'm pansexual and I LOVE LINDSAY!" Castiel screams.  
It's silent.  
"Honestly my-my heart is broken..." Dean attempts to sound believable.  
"So you fuck pans?" Susan asks.  
Everyone else face palms.  
"What'd I say?"


	14. When They Say It's Not About The Ships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel signs up for online dating.  
> I attempt to write a 'deep' moment between Sam and Brendan, so I apologize if it makes you want to rip your eyes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVE YA'LL PLS COMMENT IF YOU LIKED (OR HATED) IT. DON'T LET ANYONE DULL YOUR SPARKLE.

Part Fourteen: When They Say It's Not About The Ships:  
"You like me? Ew" Lindsay says to Castiel instantly.  
"I actually love you." He corrects.  
"That's even WORSE!"  
His mouth drops open in shock. "But...! But...!" He starts. "Zip it!" She screams, sticking her palm in front of his face. He decides to lick it.  
"EW!!!" She shrieks, pulling it back.  
"You freak! What's wrong with you!"  
"A lot of things, actually..." He confesses.  
"So, Castiel and Dean aren't REALLY dating?" Susan asks. "No, Susan" Gerald grumbles, rolling his eyes. "You dumb bitch."  
"I hate my family" Brandey comments flatly. "Why would you lie?" Sam questions.  
"Because I love Lindsay!" Castiel cries. "Can you please stop saying that?! I get sicker each time" she begs.  
"Come on Lindsay. Give Cas a chance," Sam tries to coax. "He's a lovable angel."  
Castiel looks at Sam and smiles in flattery.  
Romantic music begins to play. Brendan frowns. "Stay away!" He yells, grabbing Sam's wrist and pulling him closer to him.  
"Dammit" Cas whispers. "Don't worry Cas. I mean, you ARE pansexual. You have like, a million options" Dean tells him.  
"What IS pansexual?" Susan asks.  
"It's like bisexual but upgraded" Cas answers.  
"Upgraded to what?"  
"Like, transgender people. And all kinds of queers. I don't see labels. I just see the person they are" Cas finishes.  
"Would you let Caitlyn Jenner fuck you?" Dean asks. "I'm thinking more like that trans chick from Orange Is The New Black" Cas answers.  
"Nice."  
"Then go date her or something because I am NOT dating you" Lindsay protests.  
"Good. You're quite the whore, anyways, Lindsay" Brandey snaps.  
"BITCH!!"  
Michael says something under the bandages his face is wrapped in.  
"What?" Brendan asks.  
He tears off the bandages, revealing his bruised and purple face.  
"I SAID, how about we set Castiel up for online dating!" He suggests, grinning.  
So, they make Castiel an account for Christianmingle.com.  
Name: Castiel  
Interested in: Anyone  
Occupation: Angel  
Within five minutes, Castiel has ten inboxes.  
"Ooh! This girl sounds nice!" He smiles, sitting at the computer and looking at Wiccanchick265's profile.  
She's seventeen and has purple hair.  
"Wait. If she's Wiccan than what's she doing on a Christian website-" Sam starts, before he's shushed by everyone else.  
"We're going out! Tonight!" Cas smiles.  
Applause fills the room.  
That night, Castiel goes on his date with Wiccanchick265.  
"Lindsay?" Sam asks, seeing her sit alone in the kitchen while drinking hot chocolate.  
"Hi..."  
"What's wrong?" He asks, sitting down next to her.  
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just on my period. Woof." She blabs.  
"Lindsay, are you jealous of Castiel going on a date?" He asks slowly.  
She nods in shame.  
"Aw, Lindsay. Don't be sad. Maybe things won't work out."  
Castiel waits for wiccangirl265 to show up at the restaurant they agreed to meet at.  
A girl with purple hair walks in the building. He gasps in happiness. She walks up to him.  
"Panangelboy?" She asks.  
"Wiccangirl265!" He smiles.  
"Gimme your trench coat."  
"What?"  
"I said GIMME YOUR TRECH COAT!" She shouts. "Okay, fine!" He yells, taking it off and throwing it on her.  
She sprints out of the restaurant, taking his trench coat with her.  
"Get hit by a wrecking ball!!!" He yells out.  
He sadly walks back into the Weaver house, seeing Lindsay pouring hot chocolate all over Sam. "OWE!!!!" He shouts, running out of the room. Lindsay cackles. "Ummm..."  
Lindsay gasps, noticing Castiel.  
"Oh. Hey Castiel. I wasn't doing anything. How was your date? Did she walk in, see you, yell 'YIKES!!!!!' And leave?"  
"She mugged me of my trench coat."  
"I'm sorry," she apologizes. "Why are YOU sorry? You hate me!" Cas yells, sitting down next to her.  
"I don't 'hate' you. I was...Actually kinda jealous you got to go out on a date."  
"You like Wiccan purple haired girls too?"  
"No. I...I like you."  
"Who put what in your hot chocolate? Are you possessed? SAM!! DEAN!! Help!"  
"Dammit Cas, no!" She screams. "I REALLY like you."  
"You do?" He smiles.  
"Yes. And to prove it I'll go to that Wiccan bitch's house and beat her up."  
"Oh Lindsay you don't have to-"  
Lindsay searches her address up on Mapquest, and drags Castiel along to her house.  
"OPEN UP, BITCH!!!" She screams, pounding on the front door with her fist.  
"The fuck do you want?" Is all the girl asks, after opening the door. She wears Castiel's trench coat.  
"AAAAHHH!!" Lindsay screams, kicking the girl in the vag, and tearing the trench coat off of her.  
"Snap us back; snap us back!" She yells.  
He does as told, and they stand in Lindsay's kitchen again.  
"Here" she smiles, handing him his trench coat. "Thanks."  
They grin at each other.  
"You give me a lady boner." She admits.  
That night Castiel and Lindsay make passionate love. It's as weird as it sounds.  
Also, Gerald leaves his family and moves to New Mexico.  
"Brandey!!! Quit flicking your bean!!" Sam yells to her, trying build a wooden grandfather clock.  
"Don't tell me what to do!" Brandey yells, standing in the corner of the room and flicking a green bean that sits on a plate, with two fingers. Sam rolls his eyes.  
"So, have you and Brendan flicked each other's beans yet?" She asks him.  
"Why must we have these kinds of conversations..."  
"Just answer the question!"  
"No, okay?! We haven't."  
"Why not?!"  
"I don't know, okay?! We just haven't...Gotten around to it."  
"Well you'll be doing it soon enough. It takes one of ya'll to get horny to do the deed."  
"It takes two to tango."  
Brandey laughs. "Either way, y'all are LATE bloomers. Do you know how many times Dean and I have had sex?!"  
"I don't think I wanna know-"  
"Two hundred and sixty three."  
"Well you guys are older! Brendan and I are sixteen. Not EVERYONE our age is having sex."  
"Oh Castiel!" They hear Lindsay moan through the walls.  
"SHUT UP, YA WHORE!" Brandey shouts.  
"I'm gonna go get some air" Sam says, walking out of the room and exiting the house, sighing once he's outside. A girl from his school who's walking through the neighborhood, notices him.  
"Sam Winchester?"  
"Uh..."  
She walks up to him. "Damn! You're actually pretty okay looking! Then again, it is dark out."  
"Excuse me?"  
She takes out a pen. "You should call me."  
He screams in agony as the pen rips through his skin when the girl writes down her number down on his hand.  
"Bye bye." She smirks, jogging away.  
Sam sighs.  
The next morning, a bathrobe wearing Castiel continuously throws up in the toilet.  
"What's a wrong, sugar boo?" Lindsay asks as she walks into the bathroom, completely in the nude.  
Her hairy vagina makes Castiel throw up even more. "Oh no. Did I give you AIDS?" Lindsay wonders.  
"No. I'm probably just sick."  
"No shit, dumb fuck. Was our bean flicking that bad?!" She cries.  
"Our bean flicking was beautiful."  
Pulling a MJ and only wearing one glove, Sam knocks on the door of Brendan and Michael's new house.  
"Hi!" Brendan smiles, after opening the door. "We're just settling in. My room, and Quackles room is all set up."  
"Quackles has his own room?"  
"Yeah! Come on in."  
Brendan grabs Sam's one bare hand and leads him inside.  
"What's with the one glove?" He asks, nothing it as he closes the door.  
"Uh...Michael Jackson has been a big influence on me and my life..." Sam lies.  
"Name one of his album tracks." Brendan knows he's lying.  
"Uhhh, Thriller?"  
"That's not an album track! That's a HIT! Now tell me the truth!" Brendan grills. Sam frowns. "Why are you so hot headed? Chill out" he defends.  
"I am NOT hot headed!" Brendan protests, as steam rises out of his hair.  
"You need to calm down." Sam tells him.  
"YOU need to take off the glove, Mr. I-Love-Michael-Jackson!"  
"No!"  
Brendan tries to take the glove off himself, Sam screaming "NO! NO! STOP IT!!"  
"TAKE IT OFF!!"  
"Brendan I told you raping people isn't going to get you ANYWHERE in life!" Michael yells, entering the room.  
Brendan pulls the glove off, dropping it to the floor.  
Michael sighs. "I'm too old for this" he mutters, going back to his crocheting.  
Brendan pulls Sam's wrist and looks at his palm.  
"Who's phone number is that?" He squints, studying it.  
"Uhhhh, my Mom's!"  
"Your Mom's dead!"  
Sam sighs. "Sasha Fields flirted with me last night, okay? She gave me her phone number by VICIOUSLY writing it down on my hand" he explains.  
Brendan stares at him. "Oh...Well, you're not gonna call her, are you?"  
"NO, you goof" Sam giggles.  
"You're the only person I wanna call. Besides my grandma. Because I love hearing her rant about how my grandpa never satisfies her in bed-you know what? Never mind."  
Brendan smiles. "Okay...Good. 'Cause it would be kinda awkward if you did call Sasha. 'Cause like, you're kinda my boyfriend."  
This catches Sam by surprise. "I am?"  
"Do you not wanna be?"  
Sam's eyebrows raise. "Why would I not wanna be? Of course I do."  
He squeezes his hand. "Why are you like this?"  
"Like what?"  
"So...Nervous. Protective."  
"I guess I'm just insecure."  
"Brendan you are the LAST person on this planet earth who should feel insecure."  
Brendan smiles. "You really mean that?"  
"Why would I say something like that and not mean it?" Sam asks.  
He pulls him closer to make him feel safe. "I guess it's just because you're you...And I'm me...Of course Sasha would flirt with you. You're kind. And crazy beautiful..." Brendan starts. Sam's mouth goes dry.  
He smiles.  
"I...Really don't want to lose you. I'm lucky to have you. There was so much verbal abuse from my Mom, that she made me feel ashamed of myself."  
"I know how you feel" Sam says, thinking of John.  
"There were so many times where I wish I wasn't gay. But now I'm so glad I am. If I knew a long time ago that being gay meant I got to be with you, I would've never hated myself for it one bit."  
Sam can't wipe the smile from his face.  
"No ones ever said anything that nice to me before."  
Brendan smirks.  
"When I was first coming to terms with my bisexuality I-" Sam starts-  
"Wait. You're bi?"  
"Yeah..."  
"Uh, I never knew that..."  
"I've mentioned it around you like, a hundred times. My Twitter username is 'bisammyshoe502!"  
"Doesn't ring a bell."  
Sam's eye twitches. "Well...I am. That's not, like, a problem is it?" He makes sure.  
"What? No! Of course not. So what if you like chicks AND dicks. The only problem is that you have double options so I have double competition. That's all..."  
Sam giggles. "You are so jealous."  
"I am not!" Brendan blushes. "When Castiel gave me ONE flirty look you got all possessive" Sam smiles.  
"That was one time."  
Sam laughs again, before pulling him closer and kissing him. "Wipe that damn phone number off your hand" Brendan whispers to him.  
Sam smirks. "Jealous?"  
"Just wipe it off!"  
"You put the hot in hot headed." Sam cheekily grins.  
"Oh, fuck off." Brendan resists the urge to smile.  
Sam takes out his cellphone and calls the number just to piss him off.  
"Sammy!"  
Sam laughs, putting it on speaker.  
"You've reached the kill yourself hotline! Whoever gave you this number, wants you to kill yourself! You can hang yourself, overdose, shoot-" Sam instantly hangs up.  
"Brendan?" He asks, noticing he looks like he's about to shoot up the entire town.  
"IMMA KILL A BITCH!"  
"Brendan no-!" But he's already walking off with a sudden shovel in his hand.  
"You're lucky you're cute!!!" He yells out.


	15. Where There's A Problem, There's A Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel drops a bombshell. Sam gets himself into a 'crazy' situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda long, so I apologize in advance. I don't mean to offend anyone with any mental disorders. I don't want people commenting "I'm TRIGGERED!!1!"  
> So if you are, don't read this shit. Actually, this fic is kinda triggering to everyone due to how bad it is. So I apologize to everyone that actually reads this. I just write it, because, well, it's fun.

Part Fifteen: Where There's A Problem, There's A Plan:  
Sam has no choice but to helplessly follow Brendan to Sasha's house. Brendan now holds a spike ball attached to a chain, in his hand, with war paint on his face. "Brendan, you need to chill out" Sam states, following him up Sasha's lawn.  
"I gotta do what I gotta do, Sammy." Brendan stops walking and turns to him.  
"Now here. Put this on." He hands him a war paint palette.  
"What's this?"  
"War paint."  
"We TOTALLY said it better than that other couple."  
"Agreed. Now put it on."  
"But I don't-"  
"Hello?" Sasha asks, staring at them as she now stands on her porch. They turn around.  
"The enemy!" Brendan cries, sticking his spike ball up in the air.  
"What?!" Sasha asks, sweating frantically.  
"How dare you do that to Sammy! Sending him a hotline to tell him to kill himself. You know what Sasha? Maybe YOU should go kill YOUR-self! What do you think about that?!" Brendan yells. "Brendan!" Sam screams.  
"What hotline?" Sasha asks shyly, shaking.  
"The kill yourself hotline! You gave me their number" Sam explains.  
"I gave you MY number. You must've dialed it wrong...There's a kill yourself hotline?"  
"Oh. And yes. I suggest you call it" Brendan tells her. Sam glares at him.  
"Uhhh...SO sorry for the complications, Sasha..." Sam tells her, grabbing Brendan's wrist. "Okay Brendan let's go."  
"Wait! If you'll let me I can give you my real number so we can text-"  
"Honey he's gay" Brendan interrupts harshly.  
"For the LAST time, Brendan, I'm BI!" Sam screams to him in anger.  
"Here." Sasha walks over to Sam, aggressively writing her phone number down on his hand again. "AAAHHH....!"  
After she's done, he looks at his palm. "Oh. I see. That's a two. Not a five." He realizes.  
"How do you confuse those two numbers?" Sasha asks him.  
"No offense, but your hand writing ISN'T the best. It's actually quite shitty." Sam tells her.  
Sasha gawks.  
"We should leave, shouldn't we?" Brendan asks her.  
They go to the Weavers, Dean asking Brendan "Why the hell is there a bunch of war paint on your face?"  
"I have a spike ball in my hand, and that's what you're asking me?" Brendan asks back, setting the weapon down on the counter.  
"Y'all are into some kinky sex" Brandey, who's standing next to Dean, comments.  
"Please. That's nothing. You should've seen us the other night-"  
"Alright! We're not into kinky sex. Brendan tried to kill a girl who gave me a number to a kill yourself hotline." Sam tells them.  
"You mean a suicide hotline? Don't blame her. Your Dad IS an asshole" Brandey says.  
"No. Never mind. But turns out it was all an accident and she meant to give me her actual number. She still gave it to me, anyway" Sam finishes.  
"Did you tell her you're gay?" Brandey asks.  
"I'M BI!!"  
"Maybe we can call her and set her up with Castiel" Dean suggests.  
"Didn't he and Lindsay flick beans last night?" Sam asks. "Castiel flicked Lindsay's bean? Oh dear" Brendan chimes in.  
"Yeah, but she'll be bound to reject him later" Brandey predicts.  
The guys' shrug in agreement. "Let's call her!" Says Dean. "But what if she's not interested in Castiel?" Sam asks.  
"Sam, she was interested in YOU. I THINK she'll be desperate enough to go out with Castiel."  
"Hey!"  
Brendan covers Sam's ears in comfort.  
Dean reads the number off of Sam's hand, dialing it on his phone.  
Sam holds it to his ear.  
"Suicide hotline, what's your emergency?"  
A woman on the other line asks.  
"What the FUCK?!" Sam asks.  
"Is it actually pizza delivery?" Dean whispers.  
"Cheese with extra olives!!" Brandey requests loudly.  
"Ma'am, we've tracked down your address and are now sending EMTs that will transfer you to the nearest psychiatric ward right away."  
"I'm a boy!! And I'm not suicidal! This whole thing was an accident-!"  
EMTs burst through the door, pushing a gurney. "Aaaahhhh....!" Sam screams.  
The men pick him up and set him on the gurney, tying him down with belts.  
"Guys! Help!" He screams.  
Dean, Brendan, and Brandey all try to frantically explain that it was a misunderstanding, but the men don't listen.  
"Ah! This is what he was going to do the deed with!" One screams, pointing to the spike ball on the counter.  
"Hey! That's mine!" Brendan screams.  
"It's going to be okay little homo" one EMT tells Sam. "I AM A TALL BISEXUAL!!!"  
They roll him out of the house, and into the ambulance where he's driven away.  
Susan returns from grocery shopping.  
"What'd I miss? Oh yeah by the way Gerald moved to New Mexico."  
Castiel walks through the door. "Hi guys!" He smiles.  
"Cas! Sam got taken away and sent to a psych ward! Please snap him back!" Dean begs.  
Castiel repeatedly snaps his fingers.  
Nothing happens.  
"Cas, what the fuck?!" Brandey demands.  
"I'm sorry! It must be a pregnancy side effect."  
"Lindsay's pregnant AGAIN? That dumb fuck" Brandey accuses.  
"No, not her! Me! I'm having a baby!" Castiel smiles, pointing to his tummy.  
"Heavens jeepers!" Susan yells, putting the groceries away. "Could you kids help with the groceries? I don't have a husband to help me anymore. Not that he ever helped in the first place." She adds.  
They ignore her. "Cas, I think we need to have 'the talk'." Dean tells him.  
"I'll get the puppets!" Susan smiles, raising her hand.  
"Guys, can we deal with this later?!" Brendan demands. "Sam is in a PSYCH WARD. Somewhere where he does NOT belong."  
"Are you sure?" Brandey asks. "He DOES seem emotionally damaged."  
"He may be emotionally damaged, but not enough to be placed in a psych ward!" Brendan defends.  
Dean, Brendan, Brandey and Castiel all find the psych ward Sam's at, and walk inside.  
"We're here for Samuel Charles Winchester?" Dean asks the receptionist at the front desk.  
"Are y'all family?" She asks.  
"I'm his brother."  
"Prove it."  
"Uhh; I don't know can't you just trust me when I say I am?!" Dean panics, beginning to sweat.  
The woman sighs slowly. "Fine. I'll let you in 'cause you're a fine piece of eye candy."  
Dean grins. "I sleep with him!" Brandey announces proudly.  
"And how do you relate to the patient?" The receptionist asks Brendan.  
"I'm his boyfriend."  
"Sorry. Family only."  
"Brendan IS family; could you just let us in?!" Dean demands. Brendan smiles.  
"I would just snap you guys in but I'm pregnant!" Cas yells. Brandey covers his mouth before he's placed under check, too.  
"For LOOOOOVVEEE!" Brendan screams, running down the hallway where all the patients are placed, his fist high in the air.  
"How come you never did that for me?" Brandey grills Dean, frowning and crossing her arms.  
"I'm coming Sammy!!!!" He screams, purposely ignoring her and running off to follow Brendan. Brandey sighs, rolling her eyes. "That's why I broke up with him" Cas tells her. She glares at him.  
Dean and Brendan run down the hallway, bursting through the doors of an entirely different area.  
Sam, and the rest of the patients sit around the room in a circle of chairs, explaining why they're there.  
"So yeah I stabbed a girl with a wine bottle opener, and...Now I'm here." One of many gothic girls explain.  
"Thank you for sharing Hilly" the female volunteer tells her.  
"Sam!" Dean yells. Sam looks over.  
"Guys?"  
"We're breaking you out. Come on!" Brendan says.  
"Well you're not doing a very good job. I like it here!"  
"What?"  
"Yeah! I have a comfy bed and so many nice friends. But there IS a smoking room that I don't know how I feel about." Sam explains.  
"But-!"  
"SECURITY!!!" The woman shouts.  
"No, no no! No need to call security. We'll be on our way..." Dean informs. He and Brendan run back to the receptionist desk, where Castiel is attempting to tell Brandey funny jokes.  
"And then they said 'that's no drug addict that's a lawyer'!"  
Brandey rolls her eyes, before noticing them.  
"Could you find him?" She asks.  
"Yeah, but he doesn't wanna leave. He says he 'likes it here'" Dean explains.  
"They probably put him on medication that makes him spacey and shit." Brandey tells them. Brendan sighs. "So what now?"  
The receptionist walks back over behind her desk. "Sorry. Had to deal with some schizophrenic bitch in room two-oh-four."  
Dean comes up with an idea.  
"Um, do you need any volunteers at the moment?" He asks.  
The others all smile.  
"Yeah, why? You over eighteen?"  
"Yep."  
"Have any sharp objects with yeah?"  
"My dick" he jokes, chuckling. Brendan face palms. "You get used to it" Brandey states.  
"What, his cocky jokes?"  
"No his sharp dick."  
"You're hired" the lady tells Dean.  
"Yay-!"  
"You'll start tomorrow."  
"Tomorrow? Why can't I start now? I love special needs people!"  
This time Brendan isn't the only one who facepalms.  
"Tomorrow morning is when we sneak meds into all their foods. We need as much people as we can. Show up at nine sharp."  
Dean sighs. "Yes ma'am..."  
So, the next morning, at nine 'o clock, Dean drives over to the the mental hospital.  
"Here's your uniform" the same receptionist woman informs, giving it to him.  
"Yeah yeah thanks" he replies hastily, taking the outfit and walking away to find Sam.  
At the Weaver house, Brendan asks Lindsay "So Lindsay...You're...Really gonna commit to...Castiel having your baby?" He tries not to cringe. "Yup!" Lindsay smiles, taking Castiel's hand. "He's my new baby daddy." The three of them stand in the kitchen. Brandey walks in, whispering "Weird motherfuckers..."  
"Do you think Dean got Sam out of the nuthouse, yet?" Castiel asks. "Castiel! Do NOT call it a nuthouse. My sister was there."  
"Bitch I'm NOT your sister and I don't give a FUCK what anyone calls that place!" Brandey yells to her.  
Lindsay sighs. "Do you think he's hooked up with any loons yet?" She wonders.  
"Maybe it SHOULD be called the 'nuthouse'" Brandey jokes, chuckling.  
"What?!" Brendan yells.  
Instead of calming down a manic bipolar girl like he was told to do, Dean goes on the lookout for Sam. He finds him outside in the play area, playing a game of cards with an elderly woman. "So why are YOU here?" He asks her.  
"I have breast cancer."  
"Psss. Sam" Dean whispers, standing fifteen feet away and cupping his hands around his mouth. Sam looks over, dropping his cards at the sight of his brother.  
"Dean?" He asks. "Ah!! Spider!!!" The lady shouts, seeing Dean and whipping out her wood punishment soon. "Spider!!!" She continues to scream, repeatedly hitting Dean. "Owe! Owe! Owe!" He screams, running away.  
Dean runs through the door of the the Weaver household, panting heavily. Many bruises line his face.  
"Where's Sammy?!" Brendan frantically asks. "I'm fine, thank you for asking. I couldn't get him out. Some old lady hit me with her spoon."  
"Pussy" Brandey insults.  
"Hey! I thought you loved me!" Dean yells.  
"I do. But you're still a pussy, babe."  
Dean tries to return to psych ward, but he had gotten fired because the manic bipolar girl that he was supposed to take care of, killed her nurse.  
"Oh, come on! Can't you just let me volunteer more?" He asks.  
They lock him out.  
So, they bring out the big guns. Brandey.  
"Hi, I'd like to voluntarily place myself in," she says at the front desk.  
"Monica! We're so glad to have you back."  
"'Glad'?"  
"We'll place you in room three-oh-eight. You'll be roommates with a nice boy named Sam."  
"Perfect. I mean, gah I hate my life!"  
"Get her in. Get her in!" The receptionist yells to nearby nurses.  
Sam walks back into his room, happily singing "La la la la la la la," with his eyes closed. He opens them, to see Brandey sitting on her bed, which sits next to his. "Brandey? What are you doing here?!" He asks.  
"I'm breaking you out, Sam. Let's go."  
"But I-"  
She grabs him by his shirt, pulling him close. "LET'S GO, N****!!!"  
Sam gives in.  
They try to leave, but the doors lock.  
"You can't leave unless a legal guardian picks you both up."  
"But I'm over eighteen!" Brandey defends.  
"Dad? Can you come pick me up from the mental hospital?" Brandey asks Gerald on the phone. "I'm in New Mexico you stupid bitch." He hangs up.  
"Hello?"  
Her last hope is Susan. "Why sure, honey!" Susan smiles on the other line, after Brandey asks her. "Yay!" Brandey smiles, before hanging up.  
"Who's gonna sign YOU out?" The reception asks Sam. "Uhhh...We're...Related." Sam lies, so that Susan can just pick both of them up. "Yeah..." Brandey goes along with it, pulling him close to her. They force big smiles.  
The receptionist takes a good look at both of them.  
"Yeah, I don't think so..."  
The horn honks outside. "Brandey! I'm here!" Susan yells.  
"You have to walk in and sign me out, stupid bitch!!!" She yells back.  
Susan walks in, showing the receptionist proof that she's Brandey's legal guardian.  
She begins to sign her out. "But, wait! I'm an orphan...!" Sam lies.  
"You're free to go." Brandey is told.  
"Brandey! Please don't leave!" Sam begs.  
"Mom, can you wait in the car? Sam and I have to figure out a plan" Brandey tells her.  
Susan sighs and rolls her eyes, leaving the building. "And don't ditch me like you did the last time!!!" Her daughter yells out.  
They go back over to the play area, to figure out a plan.  
"You can call your Dad," Brandey suggests, the two of them sitting next to each other in chairs, near the basketball court.  
"NO WAY" Sam says. "He would NEVER do something like that for me!"  
A very super duper attractive teenage boy walks out, making every girl except Brandey squeal. Including the old lady Sam played cards with.  
"Who's THAT?" Brandey asks.  
"That's Chad Maguire! Only the CUTEST boy here. He got placed for OCD. The coolest of all disorders." The old lady explains.  
"What?" Brandey cringes again.  
Chad walks over to Sam. "Hey. I'm gay; and you're really cute. Are you gay too?" He comes on a tad strong.  
"I'm actually bi" Sam corrects. Chad laughs, pointing at him. "You're funny." Sam frowns.  
"Wanna romantically feed each other medication?" Chad offers. "It's what all the couples here do."  
"No thanks...I have a boyfriend."  
"Is he here?"  
"No...He's waiting for me to get home."  
"You don't wanna be with someone 'normal' like him. Be with one of us. Someone like you."  
Chad tries to persuade. Brandey frowns.  
"First off, Brendan is NOT normal. And I mean that in the nicest way possible" Sam starts.  
"Second off, I'm not even supposed to BE here! This whole thing is a misunderstanding. I thought I liked it here, but now I JUST WANNA GO HOME!!!!" He screams.  
"Hey!" A nurse screams, running towards him with a giant needle. "Run!" Brandey screams. She and Sam jump over the wall separating the property with the parking lot, landing on the grass below them. Chad follows them. "Not YOU!" Brandey screams, pushing him behind.  
The nurse accidentally sticks the needle in Chad's butt. "AAAAHH..!"  
"Oh, you should be used to things going up your butt! You're gay!" The old lady yells to him.  
Sam and Brandey pile into the back of Susan's car. "Drive, drive!" Brandey screams.  
Susan slams on the gas pedal. Sorry by Justin Bieber blasts all the way home.  
John, who was bribed by Dean with beer to pick Sam up and sign him out, pulls into the lot. "Sam?!?!?" He shouts, honking the horn.  
He sighs, getting out and walking into the building.  
"Samuel Charles Winchester? I think that's his middle name." He tells the new receptionist, that's working her first shift because the previous receptionist went to get a pedicure.  
"I'M Samuel Charles Winchester!" Chad, who just happens to be nearby with a needle still in his ass, smiles.  
"You are?" Asks the receptionist.  
"Yuh-huh!"  
"What the fuck, kid? You're way too attractive to be Sam." John says.  
"Just go with it!" Chad grumbles. "Dean promised me SEVERAL beers if I bought Sam back to him." John explains.  
"Samuel Winchester and Monica Brandey escaped!" A nearby nurse explains.  
"Let's go kid."  
"Call me Chad."


	16. The Birds And The Bees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Brandey return from the mental hospital, along with John and Chad. Sam and Brendan get into their first real fight, shortly afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy!! Thank you for somehow liking this! I understand if you cringe :)

Part Sixteen: The Birds And The Bees:  
Sam, Susan, and Brandey all storm through the door of the Weaver house, panting and out of breath. Susan slams the door shut.   
Brendan, Dean, Lindsay and Castiel all grow alert. "Sammy!" Brendan yells, running over and squeezing him tight. "I'm here" Sam informs, sounding muffled as he buries his face in Brendan's shoulder.   
"BRANDEY!!! YAYYYYY!!!" Dean smiles. He runs over to her, picks her up and spins her around. She loudly giggles. Castiel awkwardly looks at Lindsay. "This could be us but you playin'" he mutters. "What?" She frowns.   
"Never mind."   
"Did Dad bring you over?" Dean asks Sam, setting down Brandey. "No." Sam let's go of Brendan. "I never called him. Susan bought Brandey and I over. We escaped." He explains.   
"Oh. Oops. Well I kinda bribed him with beer to go and get you..." Dean tells him awkwardly. They all just casually shrug. Castiel randomly throws up in the sink. "You okay Cas? Ya sick?" Sam asks him, not knowing he's pregnant.  
"Uh..." Lindsay trails off. "What?" Sam wonders.   
"I, am pregnant!" Cas smiles to Sam, pointing to his belly.   
"Ummm...What?" Sam asks, not knowing how to react.   
"Yup. And I'm the mama" Lindsay smiles.   
Sam becomes dizzy, and almost passes out. Brendan has to keep him from falling over.  
"Cas, are you sure you're not just really confused?" Sam asks.   
"Apparently in the angel world it's the GUY who gets pregnant" Dean explains.   
"Oh...That's...Interesting..." Is all Sam can say. "Uh...Are you sure you guys are really committed to this?"  
"I know I am!" Cas smiles.  
"Whatever." Is all Lindsay replies, beginning to text on her phone. Sam's face falls flat. "Oh dear God..." He says under his breath, rolling his eyes.   
John walks in, with Chad by his side.   
After everyone notices, Dean asks "Dad, you DO remember what Sam LOOKS like, right?"  
"It's Chad!" Brandey explains. "Stay away from me!!!" Sam screams, running up to the room he and Brandey share. Brendan squints, looking at Chad. "What'd you do to Sammy?!" He demands. "He just tried flirting with him. He's the mental hospital stud" Brandey explains blandly.  
"What?!" Brendan asks.   
"Ah; so YOU'RE the 'normal' boyfriend" Chad says to Brendan.  
"I am NOT normal!" He protests angrily.  
"Dad, why'd you even BRING him here?!" Dean asks.   
"When I went to get Sam, he wasn't there. But this guy was, and convinced me to take him. So I did."  
"How'd you get him out so easily?!" Brandey asks. "That receptionist is hard to settle with."  
"This one was really chilled out and had no idea what she was doing" John tells her. "Dammit" she whispers. "So can I stay here?" Chad asks. "No!" Everyone but John screams.  
"You people are HEARTLESS. This poor boy has-what do you have?" John asks Chad, looking at him. "OCD. But I'm on meds." Chad explains. "Then what were you doing in a psych ward?" Lindsay asks.  
"I needed to get away from my family SOMEHOW."  
"Why do you have to get away from them?" Brendan asks. "Well, you see normal boy, they're a bunch of assholes. They kicked me out for being gay."  
"Oh I'm sorry-"   
"Well, they actually kicked me out because I'm 'annoying' and 'uneducated', but I thought gay would be more pitying." Chad interrupts.  
They stare at him.   
"I'm gonna go check on Sammy" Brendan says, walking upstairs to find him. He spots him in the room he and Brandey share. He enters.   
"You alright?" He asks. "Yeah. Chad's just...Very interested in me, for some reason."   
"Do you blame him? You're a good guy."  
"We haven't even spoken before he started hitting on me."  
"Oh. Well, he probably has a tall fetish."  
"That's a thing?"   
Chad smiles "knock knock!" Before walking into the room. Sam and Brendan look at him. "What do you want?" Sam asks.   
"The nice lady Susan says I can stay with you guys until I get back on my feet."  
They roll their eyes.   
"She said I can share a room with you, and Brandey." He looks at Sam.  
"Nope. Not happening. You can stay with Dean and Lindsay." Sam bluntly snaps.  
"WHAAAAAAAA-!" Chad cries out hideously due to Sam's rudeness, making he and Brendan cover their ears. "Okay! Fine! But sleep as far away from me as possible." Sam has no choice but to give in. "Yayyyyy" Chad smiles, setting up a sleeping bag for himself in the corner of the room. "Um, maybe I should stay the night..." Brendan nervously suggests. "Brendan, I'll be fine." Sam quietly assures, squeezing his hand. "Okay. I'm glad you're back" Brendan smiles. "Me too. I'll see you later tonight?" Sam asks. "Yeah. See ya."  
"Can I join? We can play twister!" Chad smiles, now building himself a fort out of blankets and pillows. "No."   
Sam kisses Brendan's cheek, before watching him leave.  
"Wanna help me build my fort?" Chad smiles to him. Sam sighs. "Fine. Why not."  
He begins helping him.   
"Why don't you like me?" Chad asks, flashing a pouty face. "I have a boyfriend."   
"Liar!" Chad screams. "Excuse me?"  
"GET OUT!!!" Chad yells, flicking Sam with a blanket. Sam does as told, closing the door behind him. "I think Chad has more than OCD" he tells everyone, reentering the kitchen. They mutter in agreement. "What's he doing?" Lindsay asks. "Building a blanket fort."  
Dean gasps. "Ooh!" He grins. "I wanna help!" He sprints upstairs, into the room Chad's occupied in.  
"Dean-!" Brandey yells, but Sam interrupts "Just wait for it..."  
"LIAR!!!" Chad shouts to Dean, before Dean screams and runs back downstairs.  
"What the hell?" Lindsay asks. "He's probably lonely because SOMEBODY-" John glares at Sam. "Turned him down!"   
"I have a boyfriend, Dad!"   
"YOUR BOYFRIEND SHOULD BE CHAD" John roars, almost making Sam fall over.  
"Well then we'll make Chad un-lonely!" Brandey suggests. "How?" Dean asks. "We'll get him a boyfriend!" Brandey smiles. "It shouldn't be that hard."   
"Who would wanna go out with HIM?! No offense." Says Lindsay.  
They look over at Castiel, who's picking his nose and sipping iced tea through a straw. "Ahh" he breathes out, finishing his drink and throwing the glass cup out a window.   
"What?" He asks, after noticing everyone staring at him.  
"Castiel? Chad seems like a nice guy, right?" Sam asks. "FOOTBALL!!!" They hear Chad shout upstairs, before hearing a huge crash. "Ouch...!"  
"I guess..." Says Cas. "So why don't you guys go out? I think you two would make an AMAZING couple. Think about it! A pansexual angel, an OCD queer..." Dean positively trails off.  
"But I'm already pregnant with Lindsay's baby!" Cas cries.   
"Well then abort the little shit!" Lindsay screams. Castiel gasps. "Lindsay! How DARE you be so cruel!"   
Sam frowns. "I KNEW you wouldn't be able to handle this." He tells her with squinted eyes.  
"What's THAT supposed to mean?" She asks, putting her hands on her hips.  
"You barely cared about your OLD baby!" He protests. "I LOVED my old baby!"  
"Then why not THIS one?"  
"Because; I'M not PREGNANT. I loved Monica before she was born, due to having a personal connection with her BECAUSE I was PREGNANT with her! I'm not pregnant with THIS one." She explains.   
"That's stupid." Brandey says.   
"YOU'RE stupid!" Lindsay screams back. "Girls, enough." Says Susan. "Lindsay, I am GOING to have this baby!" Castiel commands. "I won't be surprised when it FLIES AWAY from you!" She insults.   
"Hey! Angel babies can't start flying until they're six to seven months old!" He defends. "Whatever! I will NOT be involved with this" she says, about to walk out of the house.  
"Lindsay, how would YOU feel if Brendan never decided to be involved with MONICA?" Sam grills, crossing his arms flashing a bitch face. "Ah, the classic bitch face" Dean smiles quietly.   
"She's doing JUST FINE without him."  
"She's DEAD!"  
Lindsay awkwardly stares at them, before running out of the house.  
"Lindsay-!" Dean screams, before groaning angrily. "Fucking white people" Brandey whispers. "Tell me about it," everyone else says in sync.   
Castiel whimpers in shame. "Aw, Cas, don't worry. We'll help you raise your baby together!" Dean smiles.  
"Really?"  
"Uhhhh...We'll try...!"   
"Good grief." Sam comments.   
Later that night, Sam and Brendan return to Brendan's house, from walking Quackles around the neighborhood. "QUACK QUACK" he blabs, as Brendan takes his leash off of him. "Well that's your OWN fault!" Brendan protests to him. "You can understand him?" Sam whispers.  
"After a little while you begin to pick up what he's trying to say," Brendan whispers back.   
"Interesting."  
Quackles waddles into the kitchen. "Don't finish all the shrek themed peanut butter!" Brendan yells out.  
They hear the pantry open. "QUACKLES!" Brendan shouts, before huffing in anger. "Hey boys!" Michael smiles, walking into the room. "How was walking Quackles?"  
"He tried to eat a little girl" Brendan answers.  
"AGAIN? Sweet Lord" Michael mutters, before asking "you see any hot chicks?"  
"Dad I'm gay."  
"Not for YOU, ya dumb moronic teenager. For QUACKLES. He should really settle down and get himself a wife."  
"Dad he's a duck."  
"You see any hot ladies?"  
"Dad, I'm gay! I jerked off to Sam's yearbook picture TWO TIMES today" Brendan informs. "You what?" Sam asks.  
"Not for YOU, for ME. I'd like to start dating" Michael admits.  
"Um...We're gonna go upstairs now..." Brendan says, feeling uncomfortably awkward by the change of subject.  
"Wait! Do ya think I should sign up for farmersonly.com?!" Michael yells out.  
The door slams in response.   
Now sitting on the floor in Brendan's new room, above his Uranus poster, Sam leans on his shoulder.  
"Do you think you'd be able to stay the night?" Brendan asks, running his fingers over Sam's right palm.  
"I HIGHLY doubt your Dad will allow that."  
"Eh, he'll be too busy signing up for farmersonly.com to notice." Brendan says.  
"Isn't your Dad a mechanic?"  
"Well there's no dating sites for mechanics."  
"There probably is. There's dating sites for everything nowadays. One time I came across one specially for iCarly fans...Not that I was looking for a site like that."  
Brendan shrugs. "Why are you so set on me staying the night?" Sam asks, looking at him. "Because I...Want you to spend the night..." Is all Brendan can come up with.  
"Is this about Chad...?" Brendan asks suspiciously.  
"Whaaat? Noooo..."  
"Quit worrying about him. I'll just sleep on the couch or something."  
"But what if he tries to canoodle with you?!" Brendan asks fearfully.  
"What IS canoodling? Something to do with food?" Sam wonders.  
"This" Brendan smiles, before leaning over and kissing him. Sam smiles, before kissing him back and wrapping his arms around him. He instantly gets an erection, backing away and standing up. Brendan opens his eyes and looks at him.  
"Sorry..." Sam apologizes, his face flushing.  
"It's okay" Brendan smiles flirtatiously. "It's Latin."  
"It's actually biology." Sam corrects.  
"Oh...Well, either way, come here."   
Brendan pulls him close, beginning to kiss him again. Sam's woody goes down, and pulls back. "Is that why you want me to sleepover? So you can get it on with me?" Sam asks.   
"Me? A horny teenage boy? I would NEVER-" Brendan untruthfully starts, before a condom falls out of his pocket. "Uh...."   
Sam gawks, frowning and standing up.   
"Oh, come on!" Brendan yells, getting up, grabbing Sam by his arm and pulling him around, after Sam tries walking away.  
"It's not like I would FORCE you to do anything. Just because my Dad LOOKS like a rapist, doesn't mean that I AM!" Brendan defends.   
"I know..." Sam says, looking away. "It takes two to tango," Brendan furthers on.  
They hear faded music coming from downstairs. They walk out of the room, and over to the hallway. They look down into the living room, where Michael and Quackles are both doing the tango together. There's a rose in Quackles mouth. "See?" Brendan asks. Sam sighs, and they walk back into Brendan's room. He closes the door, and Sam frowns.   
"What?" Brendan asks, not seeing the big deal. Sam sighs again, walking over to the other side of the room. "I'm just not in the rush to do anything." He admits.  
"You let me blow you on our date." Brendan reminds him blandly, with dead eyes.  
"Yeah, for like, two seconds..."   
"Because your DAD climbed through the window! You DEFIANTLY would've let me continue if we had no interruptions."  
Knowing he's right, Sam ignores him and crosses his arms.   
"Are you asexual? Like, having no sexual attraction towards anything?" Brendan asks. "No. I remember jerking off to Topanga while watching her on TV when I was-" he stops talking, noticing Brendan's giving him a weird look.   
"Okay, well-"  
There's a knock on the door. "Yeah Dad?" Brendan asks, walking over to the door and opening it. "What do you want Quackles" he asks, unamused once he sees that it's him. They quack, walking into the room.  
"Quackles, we're kind of in the middle of something."  
Quackles ignores them.   
"You were saying?" Sam asks, looking at Brendan with his arms crossed.  
"I was in the middle of saying I'm sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable..." Brendan says. "It's fine. Just...Don't try stuff like that with me again. Okay?" Sam asks.  
"Okay, geez" Brendan mutters.  
"Excuse me?"  
"You just keep acting like I wanna touch you in your sleep!"  
"Well DO you?"  
"I would wake you up first!"   
They begin yelling at each other simultaneously, until Quackles starts choking. They look over, and see that he's choking on the condom that had fallen out of Brendan's pocket. "NO!!!" Brendan shouts, before Sam runs over and stops Quackles from choking. The condom flies out of Quackles mouth, and lands on the floor. After several seconds of silence, Brendan tells Sam "I think you should go."  
"Excuse me? I just saved your ducks life, and you want me to LEAVE?!" Sam asks.  
"I just want some space-"  
"Space from WHAT?"  
"YOU!"  
"You know what Brendan? Fine. I need space from you too." Sam says, before scowling at him and walking out of the room. He slams the door behind him. It's quiet between Quackles and Brendan.  
"Quack."  
"I know I'm being unreasonable, Quackles! Don't rub it in!"  
Sam angrily returns home, quietly closing the door behind him. It's eleven at night, and everyone else in asleep.  
Everyone else except Chad.  
"Hey Sam."  
"Ah!" Sam yells, turning on the light and seeing Chad sitting on the floor all alone, near the kitchen counter.  
"What do you want Chad?" He whispers.  
"Brandey kicked me out 'cause I kept talking about bread in my sleep..."  
"Oh..."  
"You okay? You seem tense."  
Sam sighs, sitting down next to him. "Brendan and I got into a big argument." He says.  
"Ah. The normal B.F.?"   
"Sure...?"  
"It's okay Sam. I'll comfort you. He's just not right for you." Chad puts his hand on Sam's knee. Sam frowns, pushing his hand away.   
"Chad, please stop."  
Chad laughs. "Ah, I'm just kiddin'. I'm over your sorry ass. I have a crush on Castiel, now."  
"Excuse me-? I-I mean that's great!" Sam forces a smile.   
"I was just doing that to see if you'd give in. And do one of the most deadly sins out there-cheat."  
"I-I would never do that to Brendan...!"  
"So what'd you guys argue about?"  
"He got horny, I yelled at him, he started being understanding, I yelled at him some more, he yelled at me, and then I left." Sam sums it up.  
"Sounds like it's all your fault." Chad says.  
"Yeah. I know." Sam tells him glumly.   
"You know what you gotta do, Sam?"  
"Give him what he wants?"  
"I was gonna say talk it out and have a healthy conversation about what happened-"  
"You know what Chad? You're right! I'm gonna go seduce my boyfriend!" Sam smiles, standing up. "I didn't say that-!" Chad yells nervously and frantically, but Sam leaves the house anyway.   
Chad sighs.   
Castiel runs all the way downstairs, and throws up in the sink. "Are you okay?! Did you come down with something?!" Chad asks.  
"I'm pregnant." Cas states, looking over at him.  
Chad gasps. "You have a diagnosis too?!" He asks. "I'm an angel."  
"You're not one of those 'otherkin' bitches, are you...?" Chad cringes. "We had a lot of those people in the mental hospital."  
"No, I'm seriously an angel. They're real as fuck. But tell me about these otherkin people."  
Castiel sits down next to him, and Chad tells him all about otherkin, while he sighs dreamily.   
Brendan's front door is locked, so Sam has to climb through his bedroom window. He finds him alone in his pitch dark room, sleeping peacefully in his bed.   
His peaceful sleep is not going to last for long.  
Sam climbs into the bed next to him, poking his shoulder. "Hm?" Brendan asks, slowly awakening. "Wake up sexy" Sam whispers, starting to kiss his neck. "Sam?" Brendan asks, sitting up and taking out his night retainer. He sets it on his night side table. He pushes Sam off of him. "What the hell are you doing here?"  
"Giving you what you want."  
Sam kisses him, and after a few seconds, Brendan pulls away. "Sam, don't force yourself into something you don't want to do. You're basically self raping yourself."  
"What?"  
"Never mind. Just, I know this isn't what you want. I don't mind waiting. You don't have to try and impress me."  
"This is what I want" Sam lies to himself, kissing Brendan's neck again. "Sam, no." Brendan grunts, the two of them moving around in the bed as Brendan tries to push him away.   
"QUAAAAACK!" Quackles screeches, jumping out from under the covers, near the edge of the bed. Sam stops attacking Brendan's neck with his lips, and they both scream.  
Michael barges into the room. "Boys! No getting it on in front of the duck. It scars him." He leaves the room, slamming the door.  
"You weren't kidding when you said he wouldn't mind if I spent the night..." Sam mutters, after a few moments of silence.   
Brendan sighs. "Sam, you don't have to do this."  
"Do YOU even want to?"  
"I dunno. I didn't even have a wet dream yet. But I'm sorry. I was being stubborn earlier." Brendan apologizes.   
"No you weren't. I was. I guess I just...Never really expected to be having such a serious relationship at sixteen. Dating can lead to sex, and...I just never thought I'd have to think about that stuff at this age."   
Brendan only focuses on one thing out of Sam's entire explanation. "You think our relationship is serious?"  
Sam blushes. "Yeah...Do you?"  
"Yeah. Of course I do. And...I'd like to continue being serious, if that's what you want to do."  
"Of course I do." Sam grins, and takes his hands. Brendan smiles back.   
"I should go. Everyone's probably wondering where I am." Sam says, letting go of Brendan's hands and getting out of the bed.  
"Okay. Stay safe." Brendan kisses his cheek. They smile. "Bye."   
They kiss quickly, before Sam walks over to the window. As he climbs over, Quackles screams out "QUACK!" Making Sam fall fall out of the window and scream.   
"Sammy!!" Brendan screams, running over and grabbing onto his wrist just in time.  
He pulls him back into the room. "You okay?" He asks, seeing him stand up. "Yeah, uh...Maybe I should just stay here." Sam closes the window. "I'd enjoy that" Brendan smiles. "My Dad won't mind." He adds.  
"Believe me I know."   
After almost ten minutes of cuddling in Brendan's bed, with Brendan's head rested on Sam's chest, he notices Sam staring at him with eager eyes.   
"You want me to blow you, don't you?"  
This time it's Michael who interrupts them, before Sam can even completely pull down his pants.  
"Boys, do you think I should put 'fresh and funky' in my farmers only bio, or 'cool and groovy'?" He asks, holding his laptop, when the boys scream and jump up. They look at him, while Sam zips up his pants.  
"YOU'RE NOT EVEN A FARMER, DAD!!!"


	17. The Adventures Of Single Susan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Brendan finally do the nasty. Two certain men try to get romantically involved with Susan. One with good intent, one with pure asshole-essness. Try and guess the last one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while, school recently started for me. Hope you enjoy! Any kind of feedback is HIGHLY appreciated! I'd love to know what you guys think. Angsty!Susan/Horny!Sam

Part Seventeen: The Adventures Of Single Susan:  
The next morning, Dean, Brandey, Lindsay, Castiel, and Chad all sit down at the kitchen table. "Where's Sam?" Brandey asks. "Oh. He told me he was going to try and seduce Brendan." Chad explains.  
"Sam? SEDUCE someone?" Dean smiles, before cackling. "He's practically asexual." "Didn't you tell me that one time you saw him search Topanga on pornhub?" Brandey asks. "Oh. Yeah. That was scarring." Dean remarks. "He's a Topanga-sexual" Chad jokes, before they all laugh together.   
Susan comes downstairs, sighing dramatically. Her hairs a mess, bags under her eyes and crinkles on her face.   
"AAAHHH! IT'S A DEMON!" Dean shouts, throwing a napkin at her.   
"I'm not a DEMON, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Susan shouts back, making everyone else flinch in fear. "Geez, Mom. You on your period?" Lindsay asks. "Oh, I stopped getting my period years ago." Susan comments, before beginning to fix herself a toaster strudel.   
Castiel throws up.   
"Morning sickness AGAIN?" Lindsay complains. "No...Just...Oh my God I can't handle it" Cas gags, looking away from Susan. She begins to cry, her tears flying into the toaster where her toaster strudel bakes. The toaster makes electrical sounds, before shutting down entirely.   
Susan wails. "Aw, Susan, don't take Cas's comment too personally. He's just really judgmental when he's pregnant." Lindsay tries to comfort her.   
"Shut yo bitch ass up."  
"See?"   
Susan sighs, wiping her tears. "I'm just so...Lonely. Gerald left me for New Mexico." "Actually, he left you for a WOMAN in New Mexico." Brandey corrects, holding up her finger. That just makes Susan cry harder. "What'd I say?" Brandey asks, after noticing everyone else sitting at the table is glaring at her.   
"Here's a joke to cheer you up, Susan! Last night, Sam left to try to go and SEDUCE BRENDAN!" Dean smiles.  
Susan chuckles quietly. "Ah, that did make me feel a little better." She recalls.   
Sam walks through the door, with messy hair, hickies on his neck, and a shit ass grin on his face. The hypothetical live audience gasps, cheers, claps and whoops.  
"Holy moly!" Chad yells. Sam shuts the door. "Get some action last night, Sammy?" Dean asks suggestively, as Sam walks across the floor with bare feet.  
"Somethin' like that." Is all he reveals with a smirk.   
"Ohhh, why can't I get some action?!" Susan whines, before bursting into tears.   
"Is she okay...?" Sam whispers to everyone else. "She's lonely." Lindsay whispers back.   
"Period?"  
"We wish."  
"Is that Brendan's shirt?" Brandey asks, pointing to the top Sam's wearing.   
"What? No..." Sam lies, scratching the top of his head. "It has a giant duck on the front." Dean states. "In fact, it looks JUST like Quackles."   
"Brendan likes to have photoshoots for him, okay?!" Sam screams to them, becoming fed up.   
Dean cringes, awkwardly looking away. "What?" Sam asks. "Nothing. It's just...Hard to deal with the fact that HE'S the guy you lost your virginity to." Dean continues to lack eye contact.  
Sam gawks, his mouth dropping open in shock. "Technically, he didn't even 'lose' his virginity. Haven't you heard the phrase: butthole is loophole?" Brandey asks.  
"What?" Sam asks, turning pale.  
"You're still a virgin, kid."  
"Aw, crap!" Sam yells, running out of the house.  
He runs all the way backs to Brendan's house, banging on the door almost as hard as he banged Brendan last night.  
Michael opens the door, wiping his tears of humiliation. Sam freezes. "Oh no. Did something happen to Quackles?" He asks him.   
"What? No!" Michael yells in anger. Sam jumps. "Oh.."  
Michael stares at him with a bland look, and sighs. "What?" Sam asks, not seeing the problem. Michael rolls his eyes. "Just-get in" he grumbles, pulling Sam inside and closing the door. "Is that Quackles on the front of your shirt?" He asks.  
"Uh...Yes. But it's-it's not Brendan's if that's what you're thinking-"  
"Sam, it's fine. I KNOW what's going on."  
"You do...?"  
"Yes! If you and Brendan want to trade clothes to experiment with your style, that's fine. I have no problem with that. I went through a bandana phase in high school."  
"Okay..."  
Michael sighs again, and walks over to his laptop, sitting on the ottoman in front of the couch.   
"What's wrong, mister?" Sam asks him.   
"I signed up for farmersonly.com in the middle of the night last night. Still haven't gotten any emails from any women, OR men."  
"You're interested in both?"  
"Oh, no. It'd just be nice to be appreciated."   
"Aw, don't worry Michael. It's only been, what, ten hours? Not much is gonna happen right away." Sam comforts.  
"Do you think it's because I put 'not really a farmer' in my bio?"  
Sam blinks. "Uh...Where's Brendan?"  
"Upstairs with Quackles. He wouldn't stop smilin' this morning, for some odd reason."  
"Really? Interesting...I'll be right back."  
Walking down the hallway over to Brendan's room, he hears faded electronic dance music, coming from inside. He knocks, before entering.   
Inside, he sees Brendan snapping picture of Quackles, who wears a fedora on his head, and a candy necklace draped around his neck. "Yeah, come on Quackles, WORK IT!" Brendan smiles over the music, taking more pictures. "QUACK!" He protests, irritated by the bright flash. "Quack ME? Quack YOU!" Brendan yells to him in anger. "Ahem..." Sam gets their attention. Once Brendan sees that he's there, he shuts off the music. "Oh h-hey Sam...! What's up?" He drops the camera. Quackles leaves, closing the door behind him.  
"Um..." Sam starts.  
"About last night." They say together, before chuckling at the same time.  
"Do you...Regret, what we did?" Brendan wonders nervously. "What? No. Of course not. Um, are you sure that we really lost our virginities to each other? I mean, I know you technically lost yours to Lindsay, but-"  
"The horror!" Brendan interrupts.  
"Yeah. But are you sure I really...Lost MINE?"  
Brendan frowns. "I mean, I would think so. It was still...Intercourse."  
"Yeah, but it was through the..." Sam trails off, before nervously looking around. "Butthole." He whispers.   
"I still don't get what you're trying to say."  
"Brandey told me that...Doing anal...Isn't ACTUALLY losing your virginity."  
"Well what other hole were you supposed to put it in?!" Brendan cries.   
"I don't know...! I mean, you don't have a vagina."   
"I know! I'll get penis removal surgery, replace it with a vagina, you can stick your peepee inside it, then you'll technically lose your virginity!" Brendan smiles.  
"That's going a little too far. Plus, I'm pretty sure that's offensive to transgenders..." Sam shuts the idea down. "Crap" Brendan whispers.  
"But you know what? It doesn't even matter. I'm just glad it happened..." Sam admits.  
"I'm glad it happened too."  
They smile at each other. "So, was it awkward when my Dad answered the door...?" Brendan asks.   
"Not for the reasons you'd think. He's been crying about his farmersonly.com situation." Sam tells him.  
Brendan uncomfortably hisses like a snake. "Ooh. Yeah. I really think he should just sign up for christianmingle.com."  
So, they convince Michael to do just that. "Ooohhh yayyyyy!!!" He smiles, after the boys help him make his account.   
"I can't wait to meet all the lovely people!"   
"That's great Dad, uh, we're gonna go back to Sammy's place." Brendan takes Sam's hand. He gives him a desperate look. "Right?"   
"Uhhhh...Yeah...!"  
They run out of the house together. Once they return to the Weavers, they're greeted by everyone, including Susan who's still crying. "Oh Susan, what's wrong?" Brendan asks in concern.   
"DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!"   
Everyone else in the kitchen jumps. "Mom, why don't you...Head to the living room? We can watch a movie on my laptop." Lindsay suggests. "I can show you the ins and outs of porn" Dean tells her.  
"No!!" Everyone else screams.   
"I know! We can get you on omegle!" Lindsay smiles. "CHATROULETTE!!" Brandey shouts.  
"Why, are those dating sights?" Susan wonders.  
"Sure...!"  
Lindsay, Brandey and Susan all head into the living room.   
"So guys," Dean looks at Sam and Brendan.   
"What did you guys DO last night? Get it? DO? Because 'do' is like-"  
"We GET it, Dean. Shut up." Sam snaps. Brendan chortles. "Dean, why you must stop teasing. I think it's beautiful that Sam and Brendan made passionate love." Castiel comments.   
"Yeah, sure..." Sam mutters, with his eyebrows raised.   
They hear a shriek come from the living room. "Susan! Do you need psychiatric care?!" Dean demands.   
"I saw a ding dong on omegle!!!" She yells to them. "HOLLA!" Chad smiles, thrusting his fist in the air.   
"Dammit!!!" Yells John, who's hiding out in their attic again. He pulls up his pants, and slams the laptop he had stolen from Target, shut.   
"What was that?" Sam asks, looking at the ceiling.  
"Nothing...!" They hear John yell. "Dad! Leave!" Dean demands to the ceiling. "You can't make me!!!!" John yells to them, before he falls through the ceiling of the living room.   
Lindsay and Brandey shriek, when John falls into Susan's arms. "Dang it John! Again?!" Susan demands.   
"I should leave, shouldn't I..."  
"YES!!"   
John stomps through the kitchen, where his sons, and Brendan and Chad all glare at him. "Can't you fix the ceiling Castiel?" Chad asks him. "Nope. Angel powers don't work when I'm pregnant." Cas answers.  
John leaves the house.   
Lindsay and Brandey decide to sign Susan up for eharmony.com.   
She gets a match almost instantly. "Boys!!" She smiles, bursting into the kitchen. "I got a match! His name is Dan Swoozey! We're going out tonight! Here's his picture!" She pulls out Lindsay's laptop, showing them a picture of a tall man with blonde hair and blue eyes.  
Sam whistles in amusement. Brendan looks at him, and Sam lies "uh sometimes I just whistle out of nowhere..."   
"Mm hm. Ya know, that kinda looks like my uncle Jeff." Brendan looks back at the picture.   
"No one cares" Dean says, as Susan closes the laptop. Brendan flips him off.   
That night, everyone but Susan sits in the living room, watching Justin Bieber: Never Say Never on the TV.   
Susan walks in with pieces of wood and a hammer, announcing, "Everyone, my date is coming here for dinner. So stay in here and don't be too loud."  
Barely paying attention to her, everyone else mutters gibberish.   
"And to make sure you stay out..." She hammers the pieces of wood onto the other side of the door.   
"Mom, what the fuck?!" Lindsay yells. "Don't worry! It'll only be for a few hours!" They hear her yell to them.  
"But what if we have to go to the bathroom...?!" Dean asks sacredly.  
"Go out the window!" She answers, before beginning to light romantic candles at the dinner table.   
"I WOULD snap us out of here, but I'm pregnant!" Cas cries. "Thanks a lot Lindsay." Chad snaps. "Shut up!"  
"At least we got the biebs" Brandey smiles, leaning on Dean's shoulder. "I like his old hair better!!!!!" He yells to the TV. They all shush him.   
Sam and Brendan snuggle on the couch together.  
The doorbell rings. "Ooh, he's here!" They hear Susan squeal, before opening the door. "Hiya Susan!" They hear a familiar sounding southern accent greet her.  
"You look nothing like Dan!!"   
"Oh yeah. I MAY have used my brother Jeff's picture instead my own."  
Brendan jumps off the couch, and kicks the door down. "Dad?!" He yells, seeing Michael holding a bouquet of daisies, standing next to Susan.   
"Damn, if he's this feisty in real life he must be great in bed" Brandey mutters. "What?" Sam asks, frowning.  
"I said nothing..."  
"Oh...! Hey Brendan...!" Michael greets awkwardly.  
"YOU'RE her date?! How?!"  
"Things weren't working out on christianmingle, so I switched to eharmony. I lied about my name, and used uncle Jeff's picture because, let's face it-he's a hunk."  
"You got that right!!" Sam yells.  
Brendan glares at him.  
"Well Michael, I'm glad you like me, but you also lied."  
"But I did it for love!"   
"LEAVE!" Susan pushes him out of the house, and slams the door in his face.  
"Hey! That is NO way to treat my papa!" Brendan scolds Susan.  
"Shut up, you little twit!" She screams back. Sam walks over to him, grabbing his wrist.   
"You alright?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine. My Dad's gonna be crying for the rest of the night, though."  
"Nice going, Mom!!" Lindsay yells to her. "Hey! Do not BLAME me. You know what? I don't even know why I'm doing any of this. I don't NEED a man." Susan declares.  
"Why doesn't anyone love me" she sobs five minutes later, crying over Lindsay's laptop.  
"Can I have my laptop back...?" Lindsay asks her awkwardly.   
John roams the night town. He hears a random "psss." Coming from nearby.  
"Henry?" He asks, seeing another nearby homeless man.  
"Hey Johnny."  
"Don't call me that."  
"I need a huge favor."  
"What now?"   
"You know Courtney?"   
"The crack dealer?" John asks, remembering who she is. "Yeah. We're going out tomorrow night, but she wants it to be a double date or some shit. She's scared of gettin' date raped again."  
"Oh shit."  
"Yeah. So, get yourself a woman and join us. It'll make Courtney real comfortable."  
"What's in it for me?"  
"I'll buy you a drink."   
John bangs on the door of the Weaver house. "What do you want John?" Susan asks, after seeing that it's him.  
"Just the special lady I was looking for."  
She squints her eyes and crosses her arms.  
"Excuse me?"  
Upstairs, Sam and Brendan make out on Sam's bed, alone in the room he and Brandey share. Brandey and Dean sit in the living room, watching Twilight New Moon.  
"Is your Dad here?" She mutters to him.   
"Oh geez." They pause the movie, and walk out to where John and Susan are.   
Chad, Castiel and Lindsay hide out in the attic, playing parcheesi.  
Meanwhile, Sam reaches for Brendan's zipper. Brendan pushes his hand away and smiles at him. "No." He grins.   
"Why not?" He smiles back with a smirk.   
"Lindsay Chad and Castiel are in the attic!"   
"So what? They're focused on parcheesi." Sam continues to smirk, kissing Brendan's neck.  
He laughs, pushing his head away.   
"On our first date you were so scared I was gonna try to bang you, and now you're horny as hell" he smiles to him.  
"That's because I didn't know what I was missing" Sam flirts, kissing his boyfriends lips roughly.   
Both their shirts come off, when Lindsay, Chad and Castiel all fall through the ceiling and on top of them, along with their parcheesi board and dice.   
"So do I win...?" Lindsay asks Cas and Chad.  
"No, Lindsay! I told you I win!" Cas demands.   
She notices Sam and Brendan's lack of shirts.   
"Were you guys about to do it?" She asks them.   
"HOLLA!!!" Chad screams again, busting everyone's ear drums.   
"SAAAAAM!!! GET DOWN HERE!!! NOOOOOOW!" Dean shouts downstairs in fury.  
"We're COMING!!" Sam shouts down to him, making Brendan flinch.   
"You sure about that?" Chad mutters.


	18. In Which A Whacky Scheme Takes Place:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Brendan are forbidden from seeing each other. Lindsay goes on a Canadian mission, while meanwhile, John plans a murder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back...Back again...Shady's back...Back again. It's been so long, that I'll be damned if anyone actually sees this.

Part Eighteen: In Which A Whacky Scheme Takes Place:  
Sam, Brendan, Lindsay, Chad, and Castiel all walk down to where Dean, Brandey, Susan, and John are. "What's going on...?" Castiel asks. "Samuel, I am taking Susan out on a date." John announces firmly, putting his arm around her.  
Sam cringes. "What? I mean...Good for you Susan!"  
"No! If you two get married then Brandey and I will be like...Cousins!" Dean yells.   
"Oh guys, don't worry. Even if our relationship does take off as a success we wouldn't get married." Susan assures.  
"Yeah! I do NOT have time for that shit" John tells them. They cringe. "I'm still technically married to Gerald anyway." Says Susan.  
"So, where are you taking her on this date, exactly...?" Sam asks John suspiciously.  
"Some restaurant. It's actually a double date."  
"With who?"  
"Some crack dealers or some shit."  
"Oh, how lovely!" Susan smiles, holding her hand to her heart.   
There's a bang on the front door. Everyone flinches. "Uh oh." Chad blurts.  
"Uh oh, uh oh what?" Dean asks, frowning.  
"I think they found me."  
"Who? The psych ward employees? Oh no! They've came back for me and Brandey, too!" Sam panics, holding back a scream. Brendan grabs onto his arm.  
"Not them. Worse."  
"Chad, what'd you do...?" Lindsay asks, suspecting he's in trouble with the law.   
"Ran away from home and voluntarily placed myself into a psych ward to get away..."  
"What?"  
Chad's parents burst into the house. "Chad Montgomery! You are in BIG trouble!" His Mom scolds.   
"Ma, I'm sorry!"  
"Wait, do you REALLY have OCD?" Sam asks. "Uh, funny story..."  
Chad's Dad grabs him arm, dragging him out of the house by his wife's side.   
You are coming back to Canada!" Screams his Mom.   
"You're from Canada?!" Dean yells.  
The door closes behind them.   
"Bye guys...!" They hear Chad scream, before the tires of their car screeching away.   
"NO!!!" Cas shouts.   
"Don't worry Cas! I'll get him back for you!" Lindsay declares proudly.  
"Really? That's so sweet Lindsay!" Cas smiles, more flattered than ever.  
"Eh. I'm just doing this 'cause he owes me twenty bucks."  
They all stare at her.   
"Wish me luck!"  
"Lindsay! You can't go to Canada!" Susan yells. But she's gone.  
"I tried." She mutters.   
Michael flings the front door open, accidentally hitting Susan. She yelps out in pain.  
"Oh. Hey Susan. Just the girl I was looking for. Did Lindsay just run past me saying she was going to Canada?"  
"Ignore her." Brandey says.   
"Brendan, let's go." Michael insist to him sharply.  
"But Sam and I were about to-"  
Sam glares at him.  
"Play...Parcheesi...!" Brendan covers up.  
"I don't care! I hate parcheesi! Let's go!" Michael screams to his son.   
"Geez, Dad! Why are you so crabby?!" Brendan scowls.   
"John's taking Susan out on a double date!" Dean blurts out, covering his mouth. He's glared at.   
"What?!" Michael screams, looking at them. "You won't go out with me, but you'll go out with HIM?!"  
"You LIED to me! John would NEVER do something like that." Susan protests.  
Everyone else but her cringes.   
"Susan, I don't know what kinda scheme my Dad is pulling here, but he's using you." Dean breaks it to her.  
"He is not!"   
Michael coughs. "Trash bag." He quietly insults John. Sam and Brendan immaturely 'oooooh'.  
"What'd you call me?!" John orders.   
"I called you a TRASH BAG! Because that's what you ARE! TRASH!" Michael shouts to him.   
"That's it! Michael, leave my house. Now." Susan orders.  
He grumbles. "Let's go Brendan." He looks at him.  
"What?"  
"Now!"  
"Okay, geez!"   
Because he's too scared to do anything else at the moment, he touches Sam's back, and walks towards Michael.  
"Bye guys."  
"Bye..." Sam speaks up.   
"Leave, ya last slice of bread." John roasts Michael.  
"You first, banana peel!"  
"You first!"  
"Fine!"  
"Fine!"  
With that, Michael leaves, bringing Brendan with him. Sam sighs.  
"Samuel, do not see Brendan anymore. You shall not be associated with my enemy's son!" John demands.  
"Fuck off, Dad."  
Dragging Brendan across the Weaver's lawn, Michael repeats almost the same exact thing to Brendan.  
"Maybe if you shaved your mustache Susan would like you, Dad!" He screams.  
"DON'T MAKE ME DISOWN YOU!"

The next morning, at the breakfast table, Sam texts Brendan.  
Brendan? Are you there?  
Shortly afterwards, he's texted back from Brendan's number. But it's not Brendan, behind the message.  
Oh. Why hello Sam. This is Michael. Since your papa and I are enemies now, you and Brendan will no longer be allowed to see each other anymore. This message will self destruct in three seconds.  
"What?!" Sam asks, before his phone blows up.  
"Sam! What the hell?!" Dean demands, walking over to the table.  
"Michael's forbidding me from seeing Brendan!" Sam yells.  
"And so am I." Speaks John, walking downstairs wearing a pink bathrobe. His sons frown.   
"And what exactly do you think you're going here?" Dean asks sharply, crossing his arms.   
"I let him stay the night." Susan answers softly, walking into the room with Brandey.  
"Is that my bathrobe...?" Brandey points to John's article of clothing.  
"Yup. And it's very comfy. You're out of hot water, by the way." He walks back upstairs.   
"Bitch imma slap you!!" Brandey screams, running over to Susan. The boys yelp, pulling her back.   
"Any word on Lindsay...?" Sam changes the subject.  
"She just called me saying that she's successfully made it to Canada. She's looking for Chad." Susan informs.   
Castiel falls down the stairs, landing face first on the floor. "Owe...!"  
"That can't be good for the baby." Dean mutters. Castiel stands up, looking at Susan. "What was that about Lindsay and Chad?"   
"She's looking for him right now, Castiel."  
"Oh goodie. I sure do miss him. Her too, I guess..."  
"I'll call her." Says Brandey, taking out her phone and dialing her number.  
"Hello?" Lindsay answers with Brandey on speaker, as she lurks around Canada looking for Pokemon.  
"Hey Lindsay, what's up? Any luck on Chad?"  
"Uh, yeah, sure...!" Lindsay lies, before catching a pikachu.  
"Ooh! I caught one!"  
"Lindsay, are you playing Pokemon go?"  
"Gotta go bye!" Lindsay hangs up, and Brandey sighs with an eye roll.  
"Grr!" Castiel growls. "She's SUPPOSED to be looking for CHAD!"  
"So what's her score?" Dean can't help but ask. They shush him.   
"What am I gonna do about Brendan?!" Sam cries.  
There's a fierce knock on the door, and everyone looks over with a gasp.   
"Who is that?" Susan asks.   
"Is it Chad?!" Castiel yells frantically. Sam slowly walks over, and waits a few long seconds before opening it.  
There stands Quackles, with a piece of paper in his mouth.   
"Quackles!" Everyone smiles.  
A muffled quack leaves his mouth, signaling for Sam to take the paper. Sam does so, cringing at the dripping saliva soaking the top part of the paper. "Thank you Quackles!" He smiles.  
"QUACK QUACK."   
He runs away, and Sam closes the door. "What's it say?" Dean asks, as Sam walks back over to them with the piece of paper.  
He looks at it.  
Sam. Meet me in the woods behind the Weaver's house at 7 a.m sharp.  
Brendan.   
"It's PAST seven a.m!" Sam cries, sprinting out to the backyard, and running through the woods to see if he's still there.  
"Brendan? Brendan?!" He yells, roaming the middle of the woods.  
"Aaaahhh...!" Brendan falls from a tall tree, landing face first in the dirt.   
"Are you alright?!" Sam worries, helping him up. "Yeah. I'm okay." Brendan looks at him with a bunch of dirt on his face.  
"Sorry I had you wait so long. Quackles was a little late with delivering the message." Sam explains.  
"Ugh. That damn duck. So how are you?" He grins.  
"Glad to see you. But I'm a little scared. What's gonna happen if either of our dad's find out we're sneaking around?"  
"Hey!" John barks, sprinting towards him. The boys gasp, fearfully looking over. John steps on one of his long robe ties, slipping and falling onto the dirt.  
"Why is your Dad in a bathrobe?" Brendan whispers to him. Sam shrugs.   
"Gah...Hooligans!" John yells breathlessly, standing up and looking at them.  
"How'd you know we were here?!" Sam asks.   
"I was standing in the kitchen while you were reading the note, you dumb fuck."  
"Oh..."  
"Brendan, your father and I are enemies now. So it's quite rude for you and Sam to be seeing each other when you both know the situation between the two of us." John says to him.   
"It's 'quite rude' for you guys to forbid us from SEEING EACH OTHER!" Sam yells.  
"Well then that means there's only one solution." John speaks determinedly.  
"Have you guys make up over a nice dinner-?"  
"To kill him."  
"What?! He's my DAD!" Brendan yells.  
"Oh, you've only known him for a few weeks. He'll fade from your memory." John says casually.  
"Can't we just kill you instead?" Sam asks John.  
"What was that Sam?"  
"Nothing..."  
"But mister-" Brendan starts-  
"SILENCE! We are killing your father, and THAT IS FINAL!" John shouts, the echoing boom causing the entire woods to shake.  
"Did you hear that?" Lindsay asks the Pokémon on her phone, being able to hear the noise all the way from Canada.  
"Dad, you're full on bologna. Go away!" Sam screams.  
"Fine. I won't kill Michael...Or will I?" He whispers.  
"What?"  
"Nothing. I gotta go. No jizz on the trees, boys."  
"What?!"  
John fiercely backs away, back inside the house.  
"Michael!" He forces a positive tone in a smile, spreading out his arms and walking over to him.   
"What do you want, white crayon...?" Michael asks suspiciously, crossing his arms.  
"Nothing, nothing. I, am doing you a favor. You see, I don't give a shit about Susan-"  
"Hey!" She yells.  
"I was right! Woohoo!" Dean smiles, thrusting his fist down in the air. Brandey congratulatory kisses his cheek. "Yay Dean!" Cas smiles.  
"Guys!" Susan yells in fury.  
"But, I know you do, so, I'm gonna let you take her out on the double date." John concludes to Michael.  
"Does it have to be a DOUBLE date? Because personally, I think Susan and I would get to know each other better if it was just one on one-"  
"YES!" John shouts.  
"Okay, fine...! Who are these people, again?"  
"Oh, does it really matter? You're just gonna be focused on the food, anyway. You two kids have fun!" John forces another smile, before heading upstairs.  
"Stay away from my piggy bank!" Susan yells up.  
They hear a squealing pig from upstairs.  
"Your piggy back is an actual pig...?" Dean asks.  
"The money comes out of its anus." Susan explains breezily.   
In the woods, Sam and Brendan decide to romantically watch for birds.   
They don't have any real binoculars, so they just cup their hands around their eyes.  
"I don't see anything!" Brendan whines.  
"Look! There's one!" Sam smiles, seeing a cawing bird fly over him, just before its shit lands in his hair.  
"Dang it..."  
"Whoa, Brendan! You busted a nut in Sam's hair?!" John yells, returning to them.  
"Dad, leave. We're trying to look for birds." Sam snaps.   
"Look! There's one!" Brendan points up to a pretty bird flying by.  
"Aww..." Sam happily observes it.  
John takes out his gun and kills it.  
"DAD!!!"  
"Well SOR-RY for trying get ya'lls attention. I'd just like to say, that Michael and Susan are going on the double date." John informs.  
"Really? That's great! I'm SO glad you had a change of heart, Mr. Winchester." Smiles Brendan.  
"Me? A change of heart? Please. I'm just doing this so I can eavesdrop and secretly kill him."  
"WHAT?!" The boys scream together.  
"Uhhh, look! A bird!" John points to the sky.  
They smile and look where directed to, as John sprints away.  
"Damn you, Mr. Winchester!" Brendan calls out in a southern accent.  
"Does it really look like you came in my hair?" Sam decides to ask.

Meanwhile in Canada, Lindsay repeatedly rings the doorbell of Chad's house-that she found on Google Maps.  
"Who the fuck are you?" His Dad asks, after opening the door.  
"Um...I..." She tries to come with a lie.  
"I was wondering if there were any Pokémon here."  
"Are you insane?! Pokémon aren't REAL, fuck nut!"  
"No! It's for the app Pokémon Go!"  
"Pok-e-WHAT?!"  
"Dad! Quit screaming again!" Chad yells, walking over and seeing Lindsay.   
He gasps. "Lindsay! Hey!" He smiles.  
"Do you know this bitch?!" His Dad demands.  
"Ummmm...No..."  
The door slams in her face.  
"Hey!" She yells, taking out her phone and calling Brandey.  
"How's it going Linds'?" She asks her on speaker phone; Dean, Cas, Susan and Michael all surrounding her.  
"Not good. I found his house, but his Dad thinks I'm some sort of maniac." She answers, still standing on the porch.  
"I'm gonna have to move forward to plan B."  
"Well what's plan B?" Dean asks.  
"I have no idea..."   
Castiel snatches the phone from Brandey.  
"Listen, baby mommy! You get Chad BACK HERE or I swear to Jesus I'll-"  
But she hangs up.  
"Can I have my phone back?" Brandey asks irritably.  
He hisses at her.

That night, John gives Michael and Susan the address of where their double date will be. "Ooh, sounds fancy!" Susan beams, Sam and Brendan standing nearby them.  
"Yeah, yeah. You two have fun." John gestures his hand carelessly.   
"John, are you sure these guys are good people?" Michael asks.  
"Oh, don't worry. They're only crack addicts. And dealers. Now go on."  
Michael and Susan sweat together.  
After they leave, John smiles and turns to the gay lovers.   
"Ready to follow them?"   
"No! We're not gonna be there when you KILL Mr. Sorenson." Sam defends.  
"Fine. MISS OUT on all the fun. Pussies." John insults.  
"What are you guys doing...?" Dean asks, walking into the room and crossing his arms.  
"Uh...I am taking the boys out for a nice night at the arcade..." John claims.  
"Cool! Can me and Brandey come?!" Dean smiles.  
"We were gonna stay HOME and do that!" They hear her call out from the living room.  
"No. Let's go boys." John squeezes Sam and Brendan by their wrists.  
"But-!"  
"Oh well lets go see ya Dewey!"   
"My name is DEAN!"

In Canada, Lindsay waits outside Chad's bedroom window. "I'm not giving up." She whispers, picking up several pebbles off the ground.  
The first one she throws, goes straight through Chad's window.  
"Aaaahhh! Dad! You said you would only do that if I misbehaved again!" She hears him yell frantically.  
"It's ME, you dumb fuck!" She yells, cupping her hands around her mouth.  
He walks over to the window, opening it and popping his head out.  
"Lindsay! Are you stalking me?"  
"I'm here to take you back to the U.S of A, Chad."   
"Didn't Trump just win the election?"  
"Yeah."  
"I think I'll stay here."  
She sighs exasperatedly.   
"Listen, Chad. I'm here to reunite you with your love: Castiel."  
"Castiel IS pretty great."  
"Yeah yeah whatever. Now let's go. Quick! Before your Dad tries to get me."  
So, Chad packs a quick change of clothes, a toothbrush, and his favorite toys, before walking back over to the window.  
"So, should I sneak out the front door?"  
"Nonsense. Just jump down here. It'll be faster."  
"But...What if I die?"  
"Oh, quit worrying. I'll catch you." She holds out her arms.  
"AAAHHH!" He screams, as he falls on top of her with his duffle bag.  
"You stupid fuck!" She groans, struggling to push him off of her. Bones aching, they both stand up.  
"I got money for the bus. Let's go back quick." She turns serious.  
"Hey! Who goes there?!" His Dad demands, shining his flashlight on them.  
"Run...!" Lindsay yells.

John, Sam and Brendan, creepily eavesdrop on Michael and Susan's double date with the crack dealers: Courtney and Henry.  
"There they are." John whispers maniacally.  
"Dad, how are you even gonna kill him so discreetly?" Sam whispers.   
"Easy. I put rat poison in his food when you guys weren't looking."  
"But they just ordered..." Brendan tells him.  
"I know that. After they did, I snuck into the kitchen and implanted the poison into the food I KNEW they were making for your papa." John explains.  
"Oh, that's it! This is fucked up! I'm putting a stop to this!" Sam yells, having enough.  
"But they look like they're having a good time." Brendan points to their table.  
"So, why did you guys decide to come here together?" Susan asks Henry and Courtney, the two couples sitting across from each other.  
"Well, the last date I went on was pretty traumatic, so I just KNOW that this one is gonna be a fresh start." Courtney beams.  
Their waiter shows up with Michael and Courtney's plates of spaghetti, setting them down before them.  
"Oh!" Sam grunts, jogging over to the table. "Samuel! Don't make me whip you!" John about whispers.  
"So, that rat poison...Do you think I could use it some time? Lemme take you out to lunch tomorrow." Brendan says to him.   
"Mr. Sorenson!" Sam yells, running over to him.  
"Why, heepers jeepers Sam what are you doing here?" He asks in shock.  
"Who's this cuck?" Henry asks.  
"Mr. Sorenson, DON'T eat your food! My Dad put rat poison in it!" He warns.  
"What?!" He yells.  
"Mm, why this looks delicious!" Courtney beams, licking her lips at her own spaghetti and taking a bite.  
"Bad spaghetti!" Sam yells, picking up Michael's plate and throwing it randomly.  
It lands in Brendan's face, some getting in his mouth.  
"Brendan! Spit that out!!!" Sam screams.  
"Are you sure your Dad did this right? It doesn't taste very rat poison-y." He responds, the food still in his mouth.  
"Swallow it, swallow it, swallow it..." John whispers in anticipation.  
Brendan spits the food in his face.  
"AH!!!!" John screams, just before Courtney throws up everywhere.  
"Courtney! This is why no one wants to date you." Henry scolds her.  
"Yeah, I'm DEFIANTLY not eating this now..." Michael stares down at his puke covered spaghetti.  
"How's everything going?" The smiling waiter asks them, happily walking over to their table.  
Courtney collapses, her now lifeless face landing in her rat poisoned spaghetti.  
The waiter screams.  
"You're so unlikable!!!" Henry shouts to her dead body.  
"Can we have the check...?" Susan asks.  
Sam and Brendan glare at John.  
"Oops..."


	19. A Marriage, A Death, And An Arrest:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lindsay and Chad return from Canada with shocking news. Castiel has his baby, and Sam watches his boyfriend suffer.

Part Nineteen: A Marriage, A Birth, And An Arrest:  
"Um..." Brendan anxiously stares over at Courtney's dead body, Sam's mouth dropped open and Henry scowling.  
"Stupid _bitch_." He insults, sticking his fork in her eye.  
"I always knew we were friends for a reason!" John calls out.   
Brendan rolls his eyes, standing up.  
"Congratulations fuck-wad. You fucked everything up" he spits to John.  
"Hey fuck you! Do you know how shitty it is to date rape someone when they're still alive?! Now that she's dead, I can have all the fun I want."  
"I hate my life" Sam blurts after hearing that.   
"Ummmn can someone here FUCKING HELP?!?" Susan screams, now in the middle of extreme anxiety.  
"It's okay honey-" Michael tries comforting her.  
"Dad! Quit using tragedies as a way to get laid!" Brendan accuses.  
"I am doing NO SUCH THING-! I'll take care of you..." he whispers in Susan's ear, seductively rubbing her back.  
"Michael, not in front of the dead body!" She giggles, twirling her hair.  
Brendan gags.   
"At least YOUR Dad fucks the living..." Sam says to him.  
"That actually made me feel a lot better. Thank you Sammy." He's relieved.  
"Anytime. Oh, could this night get any worse?!" He cries.  
"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday _to_ you! Happy _birthday_ to Henryyyy! Happy _birthday_ to you!" The employees who are forced to do this whenever it's a customer's birthday sing together, dorkily marching over to their table and giving Henry an ice cream sundae.  
"Aw, how did you guys know it was my birthday?!" He smiles.  
"I told them when I was in the kitchen sneaking the rat poison, bud." John kindly brings up.  
"Awww, thanks man!"  
"Of course bro!"  
"Can I get you people anything else?" One of the waitresses ask, looking around their table.  
Courtney's fork implanted dead body which has suddenly attracted flies, catches her eye.  
"Um...Do you need a box for that?"  
"HE DID IT! HE KILLED HER!" Brendan yells, pointing over to John.  
"By ACCIDENT! I was MEANING to kill your DAD" John defends himself.  
"Fuck you John!" Michael screams.  
"Don't talk about my friend like that, shit fest!" Henry yells, throwing the first punch.  
"SHIT!" Sam shouts.  
"Dad! Don't sink to his level! Be a good influence on me...!" Brendan hopes.   
Michael screams in anger and attacks Henry across the table.   
"Or don't..." his son concludes in utter shock.  
"My panties are so wet right now!" Susan happily shares.  
The employees who are still surrounding the table can only watch in anger.  
"Take THIS!" Henry screams, pouring the ice cream sundae all over his opponent.  
"Ahhh! I'm lactose and tolerant!" Michael cries.  
"Really? That's weird, I'm not." Brendan shares.  
"Fuck off son of mine! Check your dairy privilege!" Michael yells, before getting punched again by Henry.  
In defense, Michael picks up Courtney's dead body, and whacks him with it.  
"Ahhh...!" Henry is sent across the room, landing in an anniversary celebrating couple's food.   
"Oh, come on, Henry! Don't be such a pussy! SHOW MICHAEL WHO'S BOSS!" John cheers him on.   
This levels him up like a video game character. He toughly gets out of the food and jumps off of the table. Cake icing is fiercely wiped away from his face.  
"So how long?" He asks the couple.   
"Four years."  
"Oh, how nice." He then quickly turns to Michael, who's holding Courtney's body with intent.   
"You're goin' down, mustache man." Declares Henry.  
John smiles and clenches his fists in excitement.   
"Ha. Yeah. I'd like to see you try," Michael smiles cockily in response, speedily spinning Courtney's body around around in the air by her hair.  
He accidentally lets go, leading the body to crash through the glass ceiling and into the sky.  
"Whoa..." everyone fascinatingly observes.  
"Shit." Michael says.  
"HA!" John smiles.  
"Heh heh. Look who's the weak one now-?" Henry smiles, before Courtney's body falls through the glass ceiling above him and knocks him out cold.  
The entire property turns silent after many well deserved gasps.  
"Oh, my hero!" Susan breaks the silence, latching onto Michael's arm.  
The entire restaurant cries out and cringes in disgust, watching them share a kiss.  
"Uhhhhh...Okay kids' let's go..." John nervously looks around at everyone now glaring at him, including the boys.  
"I said let's go!" He flashes over and grabs onto them both, sprinting them off of the property.  
Susan and Michael start to fuck on the table, spaghetti getting all over them.  
They're asked to leave.  
That night, Henry dies also.

"Why the hell would you DO that, Dad?!" Sam demands to John outside, being pulled along with Brendan by John's angry fist.   
"Yeah! You killed an innocent woman!" Brendan adds.  
"I was TRYING to kill your father!" He repeats.  
"WELL STOP TRYING!" He demands.   
"JOHN WINCHESTER!!!" A naked Michael Sorensen yells out, sprinting down the sidewalk with the intent of running after him.  
"Shit!" John yells, letting go of the boys and running away.  
"Get him daddy-! GOOD GOD DAD! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!" Brendan cringes at his lack of clothing.  
"I can see where you get your size from," Sam mutters.  
Brendan scowls.   
"Sorry son! Susan and I had just finished making love on our table when she suggested I go after John to get him back."  
"Well you couldn't have put some clothes on first-?!"  
"Hey!" Policemen notice Michael's shriveled naked body. They go over and attack him to the ground.   
"Owe!"  
"Oh, I can't look!" Brendan cries, doing just that.  
"It's okay Brendan. He shouldn't be locked up for too long."  
"No, I mean I can't look because he's NAKED!"   
"Oh. That I understand."  
"BRENDAN!!! DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME AWAYYYY...." Michael cries, being dragged by his knees and thrown into the squad car.  
"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO KEEP ME AND SAM APART, DAD! AND FOR EMBARRASSING ME! PUT THAT THING AWAY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!"  
Brendan sulks, body full of angst and rage at the events that have just taken place.  
"If it makes you feel better, yours is bigger..." Sam tries to serenade, caressing Brendan's face with his finger.   
"Want me to put it to work when we get back?" He flirts, smiling over at him.  
"Yes please," Sam smirks.  
"Children! None of that in public! It's inappropriate" Susan chides, walking over to them while zipping up her dress.  
"You and my Dad literally fucked on a table in front of everyone." Brendan protests.  
"WE MADE LOVE!" She corrects. "Now where's your father. I wanna do it again! Start calling me mommy!" She grins with pride.  
"He got arrested 'cause his junk was flying around everywhere" Sam doesn't hold back.  
"What?! That's RIDICULOUS! If only they could see the magic he does with it."   
The boys cringe.

Back home, Sam and Brendan discover that they're now the only ones there.   
Susan went to visit Michael in jail, to possibly jerk him off through the cell bars.   
"I think Dean and Brandey went somewhere..." Sam whispers to him in a smile.  
Brendan grins and steps closer, their kisses staring off slow and sensual.   
"THE DEED MUST BE DONE!!!!" John shouts, running into the room with a frying pan raised into the air.  
The couple break apart with horrified screams.  
"DON'T KILL US! WE CAN'T HELP THAT WE'RE GAY!" Brendan puts his arms up.  
"I'M BI!" Screams Sam.  
"Oh. It's just you fags." John sets the cooking utility down.  
Brendan rolls his eyes.  
"I wasn't waiting for YOU GUYS. I was WAITING for Michael to come back and continue our duel."  
"He's in jail for streaking. And...traumatizing us highly..." Sam shares.  
"Really? Oh, good" John sighs out.  
"You should be in jail TOO, John. Not JUST jail. PRISON! You KILLED SOMEONE!" Brendan scolds.  
"I wasn't MEANING to kill her I was MEANING to kill-"  
"We KNOW!" He's screamed at by the two of them together.   
"Sheesh," he whispers.  
At that moment, Lindsay and Chad come walking in, with smiles on their faces and arms wrapped around each other in a happy embrace. They're laughing hysterically, only beaming more once they see John Brendan and Sam.   
"Oh!! Hey guys!!!" Chad yells, Lindsay guffawing.  
"You're back?" Sam asks.  
"Yes he is!!" Lindsay smiles, laughing even more. "Ah," she wipes the tears from her eyes.  
"Are you guys okay...?" Brendan wonders, growing concerned.  
"Teehee. We're fine. We're just a little under the weather. And by weather I mean alcohol. _HA!"_ Lindsay yells obnoxiously.  
"See guys? What's their names are doing things RIGHT" John asserts to Brendan and Sam.  
"They're WASTED!" Sam yells.  
"Exactly. And my motto is why not get wasted when you can be wasting life away."  
"That makes no sense."  
"What, you guys think I was SOBER while making that up?" John laughs at them.   
Sam rolls his eyes.   
"Guys, let's get you to bed" he faces the drunks.  
"Make us some Eggos!!!" Lindsay points to John's frying pan.  
"Mm, gimme that" Chad slurs, taking it from him and dropping his pants.  
"Chad?" Sam asks.  
"Ahhhhhh" he sighs, now pissing in it.  
"Dad! Help us get them rested" Sam requests.  
"Pff. Yeah right. I'm gonna go get drunk myself, now. Later."  
"Why are we even surprised..." Brendan asks, after John walks out the door.   
Chad pours the frying pan of pee all over himself.  
" _WHAAAAAAA-!"_  
It took Sam and Brendan over twenty minutes to finally get Lindsay and Chad into bed and asleep.  
"Sheesh," Sam whispers, Brendan watching him clean Chad's piss off the floor while washing out the frying pan at the sink.   
"They must've stopped at Vegas on the way back." Brendan turns the sink off and rests the frying pan inside.  
"Yeah" Sam agrees, standing up and taking off his yellow rubber gloves. He throws his scrub daddy back into the blue bucket, setting it inside the nearest closet.   
"It's like we're dads!" Brendan smiles, after a gasp of realization.  
"Yeah!" Sam beams, snapping his fingers together.   
"If we end up staying together until we're old, would we have kids?" He asks.   
"I'd want them. I love kids. Almost as much as I love ducks. If we can't get a kid, can we just start a huge duck farm?"  
"We can have a whole BUSINESS of duck farms!"   
" _Yesssss_ " Brendan whispers, thrusting down his fist.   
"Now, since the drunkens are asleep and our work here is done," Sam smirks.   
"Let's get to something else..."   
Just before their lips touch, Dean and Brandey come strolling inside.  
"Seriously?!" Sam asks, pulling away and gaping at them.  
"Guys! We tried finding you at the arcade but you weren't there!" Dean orders.  
"Uh, we weren't really at the arcade." Brendan says.  
"Were you at the pharmacy getting Sam's ointment-?"  
Sam interrupts Dean with a sharp growl, Brendan eyeing him down with fascination.  
"So you WERE?" Brandey assumes.  
"No! Dad took us along to the restaurant to try and kill Michael but he ended up killing one of his double dates." Sam exasperatedly summarizes.   
"So where is he now?"  
"Drinking."  
"And Michael?"  
"He's in jail. He and Susan fucked on a table and he was caught streaking while trying to chase down Dad. Susan's visiting him." Sam finishes.  
"Don't talk about it...!" Brendan's still traumatized.   
"Nice." Dean expresses his thoughts.   
"We didn't want to lie, we didn't even want to go with John. He made us" Brendan says.  
"Eh, it's fine. We didn't do much at the arcade anyway. Besides fucking" says Brandey, walking over to the cabinet for some cereal.  
The younger couple cringes.   
"Yup. I put my tokens in her coin slot. My claw grabbed her stuffed animal-"  
"We get it!" Sam interrupts Dean's cockiness.   
Brandey opens the cabinet, accidentally knocking the box of Frosted Flakes all over the floor.  
" _DAMMIT!"_ She screams, Sam shushing her.   
"Be quiet! Lindsay and Chad are sleeping up there!" He whispers.  
"They got back?" Dean asks.  
"Yes. They were wasted as all hell, though."   
"Nice" Brandey chimes.  
"Well Castiel will be happy that Chad's been smuggled back here like a bag of Coke. Where is he anyway?"

The next morning, Cas still hasn't returned. But Susan and Michael have.   
"Guess who got out early for jerking off a guard!" Susan sings, guiding a proud faced and clothed bodied Michael over to the kitchen table.   
Brendan spits up his cereal. Brandey accidentally flips one of the pancakes she's trying to make, onto the tile floor. Dean spits out the orange juice he's drinking out of the carton.  
Sam, who's sitting by his side, looks at Brendan with concern.  
"Aren't you glad he's back, Brendan?" Susan smiles to him.   
He says nothing.  
"Son," Michael starts seriously.  
"Stop talking!" He screams, slurping his milk so he doesn't have to talk.   
"Brendan, so WHAT if I had sex with Susan on a table?!"  
At that she giggles.  
"And ran around town naked trying to kill John. And got arrested. And got taught to jerk off a male guard while Susan was watching and flickin' her green bean."  
"You WHAT?!"  
"Never mind. But, can't we just make peace with it?"  
"Dad, no. I'm just gonna need some time, okay?" Brendan tries resolving the conflict in a calm manner.   
"Fuck you, Brendan. I regret ever finding out about you at iHop!" Michael doesn't take it so well, standing up and shoving his chair in loudly.  
"Ugh, stop with all the noissseee" Lindsay tiredly whines, practically stumbling her way into the room. "I need my pills and an aspirin."   
"I'm on it," Dean mutters, heading to the cabinet drawers.  
"Drink it with this" he hands her the carton he drank out of. She cringes.  
"That's it. I'm leaving" Michael grumps, his mustache even frowning.  
"Oh, why Michael don't leave. If I pleasure you will it make everything okay?" Susan grins, grabbing onto him.  
Lindsay has a hard time getting everything down due to all the choking she's doing.   
Dean pats her back.  
"Don't touch me. I'm hungover."  
"Yes ma'am" he nervously backs away while she gulps everything down.  
"Oh, I can't listen to this!" Brendan has no choice but to stick his entire face into his bowl of milk.  
Sam pats his back. "Don't touch me I'm mourning!"  
"Yes sir."  
Chad walks in the room, stretching happily and releasing a yawn. "Hi all!"  
"Why aren't YOU hung over?" Brandey wonders.   
"Are we sure he was even DRUNK? I mean, he acts scarily similarly while sober." Dean observes.  
"I dunno Dean-"  
" _WHAAAAA!"_  
"Yep, never mind" Sam's lost all faith in humanity.   
"You fucking heathen I'll smash you" Lindsay threatens to Chad groggily.  
"Ah! Where's my angel love interest when I need him?!" Chad panics.  
He appears in the middle of the room.  
"Chad!"  
"Castiel!"  
"Chad!"  
"Castiel!"  
"Wait, Cas I thought your angel powers couldn't work if you're pregnant-" Brandey starts, when Sam gasps.  
"Guys! Brendan's not breathing!" He's checking his pulse, staring at his faced down head in the bowl of cereal.  
"Oh, snap!" Castiel says, snapping his fingers and having Brendan's face pop up with a heavy gasp for air. A cheerio sticks to his nose.  
"Oh, thank God! Or, Castiel." Sam says with relief, giving Brendan a side hug who flicks away the cheerio.   
"So your angel powers work again?" Dean asks.   
"Guys," Castiel sighs. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about..."  
They all wait.  
"The baby's gone."  
"Shit. Miscarriage...?" Brandey worries.   
"Worse. Premature birth."  
"So it died because of that?"  
"No, after birth was given it flew away from me."  
"You said angel babies couldn't start flying for a few months after birth!" Lindsay says.  
"Premature birth, premature powers." He sums it up.  
"But premature births usually delay certain things-!"  
"Gosh, Sam! It's not all ABOUT YOU!" Cas screams.   
"Where could it have gone?" Chad asks.  
"Don't know. Hehhhhhh" Cas sighs.   
It grows awkwardly silent. Brandey blinks. "Want this pancake on the floor or juice from the carton Dean drank out of?" Susan offers.  
"No thanks..."  
"Who helped birth it?" Michael tunes in.  
"No one. I gave birth. All alone. In the snow."  
"Where WERE you?" Lindsay dare asks.  
"Canada. Lindsay was taking too long to get Chad-"  
"Fuck you!"  
"So I went there myself."  
"Castiel, that's so sweet." He smiles.  
Everyone else but the smiling lovers groan and roll their eyes.  
"Oh, Sam and Brendan are just jealous because we're the better gay lovers" Chad accuses.   
"Not true!" They scream together.  
"Lindsay, I can't BELIEVE you got drunk and hungover!" Susan scolds.  
"You and Michael fucked on a table in public, ya whore." Brandey retorts.  
"Oh, can this day get any worse?!" Brendan cries.  
"Mom, relax. It's not like I did anything STUPID."   
"Oh CRAP!" Chad realizes.  
"What, spaz."  
"Don't call him a spaz!!!" Cas yells, zapping her with a quick electric shock.   
"Owe! Fuck you, I'm GLAD our baby ran away! I hope it loses control of flying and is hung by its tiny wings."   
"Lindsay, not wanting to interrupt the bashing of your lost child, but, I'm pretty sure we got married."  
"WHAT?!"  
Castiel gawks in offense. "No! It can't be true!" He refuses to believe so.  
"Yes! It is! People get drunk and married in Vegas all the time! Like in Friends!" Chad is slowly remembering all the events one by one.  
"Ha!" Sam gloats. "Who's the best gay couple now?!"  
"You're bi" Brendan whispers.  
"Shhh."  
"Chad, why would you get married to Lindsay. You're gay" Dean says.  
"I was DRUNK! I would've married ANYONE!  
No offense Lindsay."  
"I don't remember ANY of this!" She yells.  
"Duh. You were drunk as the both of us COMBINED."  
"That makes no SENSE!"  
"See?!"   
She groans in agony.  
"Well...Congratulations..." Dean awkwardly brings up.  
"Pop the champagne!" Susan smiles.  
"NO!" Castiel shouts. "Goodbye."  
"Cas baby don't do this." Chad tries grabbing onto him.  
"I'm off to Easter island!"   
"Cas no-!" They're all screaming, but he's gone.  
It grows uncomfortably silent.  
"Maybe he'll see my Mom..." Brendan brings up.  
"That bitch? Oh, I might just kill her with my bare hands" Susan grumbles.  
"Susan!" Dean scolds.   
"It's okay darling. I got you now" Michael flirts, tickling her chin. They Eskimo kiss, and Brendan just about pukes.  
"I'm gonna be sick."  
"So am I. I can't believe I'm married to HIM!" Lindsay screams in horror, gesturing over to Chad.  
John walks in, hungover and on the lookout for Michael.  
"Gah! You!" He points to him, slamming the door shut.   
"Christ in heaven," Sam and Brendan both sigh, eyes rolling back.  
"Stay away from my fiancé, you fucking prick!!" Susan screams.  
"Oh, so what, you two are getting married now?" John irritates.  
"Why not?" Michael brings up.  
"Yayyyy!" Susan smiles.  
" _You're fucking me later to take my mind off of all this."_ Brendan asserts to Sam.  
" _Sweeeet_."  
"Now that I think about it, Chad and Castiel aren't so bad..." Brandey mutters, in response to Susan and Michael.  
"Oh, I hope Castiel comes back!" Chad's now crying.  
"Can you shut the fuck up about that for one second so we can just get a divorce?" Lindsay retorts.  
"Well, while you two are gettin' divorced Michael and I are gettin' MARRIED!" Susan beams. "Brendan, start calling me mommy."   
"Wait. So we're gonna be...Step siblings?" Lindsay asks Brendan.  
"But she was once my baby mama!" He cries out.  
"Yeah, let's just ignore that part" says Michael.  
"Whoa! If they get married before the divorce is final then you're gonna be my step brother in law!" Chad smiles to Brendan.  
"Wait." Brandey starts. "If Dean and I end up getting married, and Susan and Michael are married, then I'll be Brendan's step sister, and Sam's sister in law. But then if THEY get married then Brendan will be my step brother AND my step brother in LAW?"   
"Is everyone just getting married all of a sudden?!" John asks.   
Their door is knocked over, a series of cops trailing after John and Michael.  
"John Winchester, Michael Sorensen, you're under the arrests for the murders of Courtney Cane and Henry Robertson."  
"I would NEVER kill Henry! He's my buddy! And Courtney was an accident!" John defends.  
"Uhhh I may have accidentally killed Henry with Courtney's dead body..." Michael reveals.  
"GAH!!!" The two men start attempting to murder each other.  
"ENOUGH! Now you're under more arrest for ATTEMPTED murder of each other!" They're both handcuffed.   
"Let's go!"   
"Help us!!!" They're both screaming while being taken away.  
"REMEMBER WHAT I TAUGHT YOU, SWEETIE!" Susan yells to Michael.  
This time, Brendan throws up all over the table.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment if u need therapy


	20. Pedro:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Michael are locked away together, and the rest of the gang tries to break just Michael out because John can choke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been TEN THOUSAND YEARS and I bet everyone who actually liked this has forgotten about it but too bad I’m posting this anyways in case someone decides to come back

The cold, hard, metal prison cell door slides closed, with Michael and John helplessly standing next to each other with hands clutched around the bars.  
"But wait...!" Michael yells out to the guard that's now abandoning them, the special techniques that Susan taught him being his only hope.  
"We can have some fun...! WAIT!!!" He starts shaking the bars in desperation.  
"Dammit Michael, _give_ it up!" John angrily grunts to him. "If we're gonna get out of here, we need a plan that doesn't involve self help masturbation."   
"You're just too much of a pussy to do it yourself, John. Jerking off a guard takes courage, and aspiration. That's what Susan taught me."  
"Well if _you're_ so gayly confident about this, then how about you just do it twice in a row while I turn my back and shrivel?" John protests.  
"No can do, Johnny. They won't let you leave unless you do your fair share of the job." Michael expresses the unfortunate truth.  
"Dammit!" He groans, stomping his foot on the cement floor.  
"What, like you gotta better idea?!"  
" _No;_ but I ain't no faggot!"  
"Hey!" Yells a stereotypically gay guard with a high pitched voice and Swedish accent, topping it off with swoopy blond hair, shades, and a pink security outfit with a feather boa, struggling to storm up to the cell in heels.  
"Oh...H-hey Pedro..." Michael grows nervous and twirls his mustache hair, John cringing at his noticeable sweat.  
"Back already, I see? You naughty naughty boy." Pedro giggles, growling at him quote on quote seductively.  
Some of his spit gets into John's eye. "Oh, _get me out of here!!!_ " He screams, starting to shake the bars crazily and frantically.  
"Ne' ne'. If you want to leave without any serious charges being pressed, you're going to have to do me, Pedro, A favor, hehehehe. Why don't you show him how it's done, Mikey?" He grins over at him.   
"Okie dokie artichokie!" Michael happily sticks his fist in-between the bars. He reaches for Pedro's crotch in slow motion.  
John can only cope with the horrific sight by screaming the entire time.

"Did you hear that?" Sam can hear the echoing scream of terror all the way from the house, sitting in his bed with Brendan beside him and the blankets over their bodies.  
"What?" He asks in response, looking over and taking out his cheap pair of white earbuds.  
"Never mind. I'm sure everything's aye okay," Sam currently couldn't be more wrong.   
"What's wrong?" He notices Brendan's glumness and the crushed look on his face.  
"Nothing," he looks away and starts to use his emo playlist to avoid talking to him again.  
"Tell me!" Sam yanks them out, and Brendan grows terrified for their worth that's decreasing more and more over time.  
"No yanking! They're really fragile and terrible!"  
"Then I'll get you a new pair later! What's bothering you?" Sam interrogates.  
He sighs. "Sam, I'm going to share this with you because you're my lover and I trust you..."  
He waits.  
"I now have daddy issues."  
"Like me?"  
"Exactly. I spent all those hours staying furious and detached from my Dad because of the nude trauma he put me through. Or should I say, us. Are you okay?" Brendan makes sure slowly and calmly. He touches his knuckles.  
"I think I'll be fine. You're clearly way more traumatized than me. Thanks anyway."  
"I see, I see." Their contact is broken. "But now, ever since he's been in jail..."  
"For less than an hour."  
"I've been starting to miss him. I regret my passionate anger. What if I never see him again...?!" He panics.  
"You can always visit,"  
"But what if I interrupt his self help masturbation session?!" The panic grows.  
"How about this..." Sam considers after a long strong pause.  
"I jerk _you_ off, to get that soiling image out of both our brains."  
"Guys!" Chad bursts into the room before Brendan can even respond with his joystick; suitcase in one hand and random flip flop in the other.  
"What?" Sam snaps at him.  
"We have to get to Castiel! I fear he may be in danger!"  
"How would you even _know?_ He _sent_ himself to Easter Island," Brendan says while sitting up.  
"Exactly! He's far away and we _can't_ have anything happening to him! We must go help!"  
"Chad, Easter Island is in _Chile._ _How_ are we gonna get there," Sam asks.  
"Now is not the time to think about _food,_ Sam. Now both of you get up and let's _go!_ "   
"He's an _angel,_ Chad. I'm sure he's taking care of himself just fine," Brendan reasons this time.

In said Easter Island, Castiel is being chased by a fiery group of lava that has erupted from a nearby volcano.  
" _Aaaahhh....!!"_ He screams with his hands in the air. "Oh, I wish my dearest purest Chad was here to save me! Ahhhh!!!!"  
Gasping and leaning over to the left side dresser drawers, Brendan is coming up with a solution in his head. "What is it?" Sam wonders.   
"Oh, he has an idea. He has an idea!" Chad exclaims annoyingly.  
"The walkie talkie! When I would pay him in peanut butter crackers!" Brendan retrieves it from the bottom drawer.  
"Castiel? Castiel? Come in, Castiel." He speaks into it while making sure to hold down the receiver button.   
"Give me that back!!! It's _mine!!!!_ " Castiel shrieks at the theft taking place, sprinting through the grass after his attacker. The lava is no longer his only enemy.  
He attacks the running back turned woman, the two of them now violently rolling around on the ground as the lava draws closer.  
"Look out!" She yells, pointing to the nearing lava. He snaps it away right after the communication device is accidentally dropped within.   
"Huh...I could've done that a long time ago!" He realizes.  
"Oh, you _idiot!_ " He's yelled at.  
"Hey! You're the one that dropped my _talkie."_ He defends.  
"Hello? Hello?" Brendan asks in response to all the static noise coming through, shrugging his shoulders and looking back at Sam and Chad.  
"Oh well," he sets the device back in the drawer next to the condoms.  
"We'll try again later."  
"Fine! If you guys won't save Castiel with me, then I'll do it myself!" Chad declares.   
"Okay," says Sam.  
" _FINE!!!_ "  
"We said okay...!" Brendan anxiously defends.  
" _SOMEDAY SATAN SHALL SMITE YOU!!!_ " Is what Chad lastly yells before sprinting out of the room.  
" _Sheesh,"_ Sam whispers, looking at Brendan. "You think he's really gonna go there...?"  
"Eh. It's Chad we're talking about. Bet he won't even make it out of the _neighborhood."_  
But because of his new stubborn wife he has to deal with, Chad doesn't even make one foot out of the house.  
"Where the _hell_ do you think you're going?!?!" Lindsay commands, slamming down the stack of papers onto the kitchen table.  
"We have a divorce to take care of, mister!"  
"But honey dear-!"  
"SILENCE!"  
"Castiel is-!"   
"I don't CARE about Castiel. Now get over here and sign these papers so I don't have to be MARRIED TO YOU ANYMORE!"  
He whimpers fearfully. "That actually doesn't sound like such a bad idea..." He realizes.  
The sooner this marriage is torn to shreds hopefully unlike those papers, the better.  
Because of Lindsay's screaming, Sam and Brendan had to close their one story up bedroom door, and have decided to take advantage of their privacy.  
"Don't stop" Brendan moans to Sam, during their self help masturbation session which is basically professional code for 'getting jerked off by him.'  
"Stop!! Everyone stop what you're doing!!!" Dean announces, running into the house with a grinning Brandey by his side.  
"Oh, come on!" Sam complains, taking away his fist and scowling over at the door.  
"What, dumb fucks?" Lindsay snaps downstairs to the arcade loving couple.  
"Where do I put my signature again?" Chad asks again, trying to figure out how to sign the divorce papers.   
"Ugghhh, right THERE!" She points to the printed line, right before Brendan moans the same thing from upstairs. Chad accidentally sticks the pen into the back of her hand.  
"OWEEEE YOU FUCKING FUCK WAD!!! WHY DID I MARRY YOU?!" Lindsay's shout causes Sam to stop after Brendan told him not to again.  
"WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP SAM'S TRYING TO JERK ME!!!!"  
"Oh, honey, I'm so so sorry-!" Chad tries to help Lindsay's condition.  
"Don't TOUCH ME!"   
"Just TOUCH ME!" Brendan retorts to a hesitant Sam back upstairs.   
"Brandey and I won a thousand tickets at the arcade!" Dean entirely ignores both situations, a big smile on his face as he lets a strip of tickets slide down onto the floor.  
Brendan does the same thing upstairs with a pack of condoms, before hearing Dean's news.  
"Whoa!" He smiles, sex drive draining completely, ditching the condoms and Sam altogether.  
"Hey!" He yells with betrayal, as Brendan excitedly runs down the stairs with no pants on.  
"Is it true?! Is it true?!" He smiles, entering the kitchen and pushing Lindsay out of the way.  
"Hell yeah!" Dean smiles to him. "We can get all the rainbow slinkies we want!"  
"Fuck yeah!!" Brendan encourages, throwing his fists in the air as Chad jogs next to him and grins insanely.  
"Isn't this great, honey?!" He asks Lindsay.   
"Just sign the papers!" She growls menacingly.  
"Right! Sorry." He walks back over and snatches the pen out of her skin.  
Her shriek shakes the whole house.  
"Brendan!" Sam also comes down to the second floor with no pants, ignoring Lindsay's horrendous injury and dragging along the condoms on the floor like one of the rainbow slinkies Dean so desperately wants to get.  
"Why'd you leave?! I've been blocked!" He complains.  
"I feel you Sammy. Dean's done that to me plenty of times because of Twilight New Moon." Brandey brings up.  
"Y- _you_ did it to me _first!_ " Dean overwhelming snaps.  
"I'm not emotionally well to engage in sexual intercourse right now Sam. I'm too sad to even get hard!" Brendan declares. "Or maybe it's just because I'm around Lindsay" he considers, who growls and sticks the pen back within her skin in agony.  
"Hm. Yes. That is true. That is always a possibility," Sam professionally nods.   
"Brendan, don't be so sad! Maybe a trip to Chile to save Castiel will cheer you up...?!?" Chad desperately attempts.  
"I don't _wanna_ go to Chile! That's where my _Mom_ is. And Sam _before_ you say anything _yes_ I know yours burned on the ceiling."  
He pouts.  
"I want to see my Dad instead," Brendan adds. "Aw, Brendan, you can always visit him" Sam comforts.  
"But what if he tries to jerk me off??"  
Brandey gasps happily. "Oh I know! We can try to break him out!"  
"Doesn't that seem a little extreme?" Sam asks.  
"Sam, look back at the past year of our lives. _Nothing_ is considered extreme for us anymore." Dean points out.  
"True."  
"Are we gonna break out your Dad too?" Lindsay asks the brothers.  
"Ew. No. He can choke," says Dean.   
"Aw, really? 'Cause I sorta never really got over him. In fact after Chad and I's sorry asses are officially separated I would put a ring on him-"  
They all rightfully leave her as so.  
"You've made a terrible mistake" Dean mutters to Chad, while walking down the driveway.  
"WHAAAAAA-!"

"Okay," Dean whispers to the rest of them, all standing outside of the jailhouse.  
"What's the plan."  
"Dean!" He's yelled at.  
"Well I don't know, okay?! I've never done this kinda thing before...!" He weakly defends.  
"Just think," he turns strangely confident. "What would Mickey Milkovich do?"  
The five of them all think deeply for a good few moments.  
"Uhh...Special delivery for John Winchester and Michael Sorenson...?" Dean asks in a fake southern accent, wheeling up a big empty box to the front desk with the rest of the group in tow, all of them dressed as fake mailmen.  
"What _kinda_ delivery." The giant wart faced woman asks in suspicion, squinting her eyes right into their souls.  
"Uhhhh...."  
The woman starts to open the empty box.  
"No! _No!_ That is _private-!"_  
"Aaaahhhh....!" They're all pushed out with the help of the wheeled box rolling right behind them.   
They crash onto the front property, coughing and struggling to stand up.  
Brendan tears off his fake mustache in anger. "Oh, I just wanna see my Dad! This mustache even reminds me of him..." he sadly stares down at the prop.  
Chad tears up.  
"Well we're gonna have to think higher up. Literally." Brandey intensely looks up at the building's roof.  
"What...?" Her dramatic moment is ruined by Sam's question.  
"Just follow me," she says, leading the way.

"Ugh, are you _sure_ this is a good idea?" Dean complains, the five of them now struggling to crawl through the air vents.  
"We're almost there! I think." Brandey leads the way with her butt in Chad's face. "Is it wrong to have another woman's toosh in my face when I'm married...?!" He worries.  
"Lay a hand on my woman and I'll _break_ you, fool!" Dean turns all gangster on his ass.  
"WHAAAAAAA-!"  
His crying is so loud that they fall through the vents,  and into the cell of five big hairy muscular inmates.  
They growl at them and clench their muscles.  
"Uhhhh...D-do you nice gentleman think you can lead us to the cell of John Winchester and Michael Sorenson...?" Brendan asks nervously.  
"Oh I know Michael," one of the men casually bring up, the moment of terror dropping instantly. "He jerked me-"  
"AHHH!" They're all already screaming.  
" _Around."_ He corrects sharply.  
"Man. Prison has turned him into a _boss."_ Sam comments.  
Brandey tells him to kill himself again.  
"We'll lead you to their cell, on one condition." One of the men bring up.  
"Break us out."

As they watch them laugh and flee the property still in their jumpsuits, Sam asks Dean in the parking lot, "Dean? Don't you think we should've asked them why they were here before we let them loose?"   
"Huh...Maybe."  
There's a nearby explosion and the sound of a blaring car alarm. A tire rolls by.  
"Oh well...Let's get to my papa!" Brendan beams.  
On the way there, they can't make out the person flashing past them, intensely panting and sweating the further and further they get away.  
"Should we go after them?" Brandey asks.  
"Eh. Nah. It's not like they're anyone we know," Dean shrugs, and the rest of them agree in mumbles.  
That sweaty running fuck was John, who's now sweating all over the seats of Lindsay's  new stolen Lamborghini.   
"Ew! To believe I ever thought I wanted you _back,_ you gross fuck!"  
"Just drive. Dean and Sam almost saw me..." he pants out.  
"Ever think that the reason they're here in the first place is to visit Michael, and will notice you're not _with_ Michael?"  
"Don't say his name. He's like Voldermort to me now."  
" _Jesus,_ " she cringes.   
"Now drive, you delinquent. I can't take their love anymore."  
"So it's really legit?" She frowns.  
"JUST DRIVE!"   
A trash can is knocked over in the process of speeding away.  
Not only does the gang not see John in he and Michael's prison cell, but they see Michael kissing Pedro while letting him stroke his mustache.  
Brendan's scream almost blows the roof off the place.   
"Oh dear God. He's found out..." John dramatically whispers in response to the sound heard worldwide, as Lindsay almost crashes the car from shock and generally shitty driving skills.   
"Holy _shit!_ " Dean yells at the sight.  
"What do y'all expect? It's prison. Jail. Who the fuck knows anymore," Brandey's not that all surprised.  
Chad and Sam are responding by mouthing gossip to each other and making inappropriate hand gestures.  
" _Guys!_ " Brendan is standing right next to them.  
"Dad!! W-w-what _is_ this? _Who_ is this?" He might just implode.  
"Brendan, this is Pedro and he's my lover," Michael pulls him close.  
"Yes. It is true." Pedro grins.   
"What about Susan?!" Dean asks.  
"She's nothing to me now. Pedro's simple handjob has done things to me that intercourse with Susan never could."  
Chad almost throws up.  
" _Where's_ John?!" Someone actually finally notices, that someone being Brandey.  
They stare at the new gay lovers.  
"Oh...Uh l-looks like we were uh too busy--to notice-"  
" _ENOUGH!_ " Brendan shouts.   
"The fuck is going on?" A guard asks, taking notice and walking over.  
"Uh-uh-John Winchester escaped" Dean feels like he should tell him the actual problem.  
"Only because _they_ were too busy smooching to notice!" Brendan points behind the bars.  
"How dare..."   
Brendan's waiting for them to be called out.  
"You oppress against their gay love." The guard spits to him. "Don't make me shove my giant key up your ass."  
"For your information, _Bucko,_ I'm gay as fuck." Brendan snaps.  
"It's true" Sam chimes in.  
"And you can _shove_ your giant key up my ass to prove it!"  
Sam drools on Brendan's shoes.  
"These are _new!"_ He cringes.  
"Ah. So I guess you really are gay,"  
They frown at him. "Stereotypical much?" Chad sasses.  
"Not that much. I mean, look at Pedro." He points to him, who struts in his heels and flutters his fake eyelashes. "It is true." He repeats. Michael sighs dreamily.  
"So what are you gonna do about John escaping?!" Dean interrogates.  
"Uhhh...well I mean there's not much we can do," says the guard.  
"What the _fuck_ does that mean?!"  
"Uhhhh...visiting hours are up. Bye bye now. Have this for your ass." He hands the key to Brendan before sprinting away.  
Sam grins.  
"Ooh! Ooh! Could you maybe possibly use that key to set me and my Mikey loose?" Pedro accidentally twirls off an eyelash.  
While everyone else is shrugging in agreement, Brendan screams "NO!"   
"Brendan, why?!" Chad asks.   
"You're _not_ getting out. N-not like... _this...!_ " He gestures forward his hand.  
"That's homophobia, big boy." Says Pedro.  
"I'm _gay_ , you fag!"   
"That is _it_ Brendan; if you can't accept my lifestyle, then just leave!" Pedro's Mikey yells to him.  
"Fine! Guys let's go."  
"Wait!" Pedro yells when watching them leave.  
"Can we at least have that key for our asses???"  
Just because they now have the key, doesn't mean they'll be keeping it for sexual playtime like Sam wishes.  
"No Sam we're _not_ keeping the key now _stop!_ " Brendan angrily rips it from his hands and throws it in the nearest sewer of the parking lot.  
" _YOU KNOW BRENDAN JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ANGRY ABOUT YOUR DAD'S NEW LOVER DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO KINK SHAME ME."_

The answer to their question of why there's a Lamborghini in their driveway, is answered when walking into the house and seeing John and Lindsay dressed together in leather jackets and black shades while smoking cigars.  
" _Seriously_ Lindsay?! You broke him _out?!!_ " Brendan's appalled.  
"I had a good reason to," she exhales the smoke from her lungs.  
"Oh _come on_ Lindsay you have _no_ excuse for this-"  
"Michael and Pedro's relationship was just too much for me to handle" John reasons.  
"Oh. Then by all means stay here."  
" _Brendan!_ " Sam yells.  
"Oh God _please_ don't tell me you're gonna get like JimmySteve from Shameless when he found out _his_ Dad was gay." Dean complains.  
"No one gets your Shameless references, honey" Brandey whispers to him.  
"Well you _should_ you fucking fuck."  
She gasps.   
"Dad, we understand that Michael and Pedro's relationship is--quite scarring and all, but, couldn't you just move to a different _cell?"_ Sam grills.  
"You people just want to see me locked away."  
"Yes!" They all yell.  
" _Sheesh,_ " he takes another hit of his cigar and rolls his eyes.  
"Lindsay _why_ would you help him." Brendan asks.  
"Oh my God he's _never_ gonna love you!!" Dean recalled what she said about putting a ring on him.  
"I know _that._ But still, we just have this profound bond. You know, the kind that you and Castiel were supposed to have but failed miserably?"  
"Oh yeah."  
"'Profound bond' my key stuffed ass!" Sam yells. "He's _crazy!_ "  
"Well, he _did_ get me out of that mental hospital," Chad considers.  
"See? _That's_ the spirit. Now sign the divorce papers so I can marry him." Lindsay snaps.  
"Quit being a reverse pedophile!" Brandey screams.  
Susan then storms in during a frenzy, screaming and growling at the top of her lungs. She throws a coffee mug across the room.  
"Susan! I thought you said you started menopause."  
"I _have,_ you little shit! I just went to visit Michael in prison jail and he's _cheating_ on me with his _fag tard_ cell mate!!!" She screams.  
Chad giggles.  
" _What_ are you laughing at?!??"  
"Nothing...!"  
"Why aren't _you_ jail giving handjobs?" She asks John.  
"Linda broke me out."  
"It's _Lindsay!_ "  
"I always knew you'd make it out there, sweetie." Her Mom shows major support.  
"The relationship between them was too scarring." John repeats.  
"I'm just SO MAD!!!" Susan shouts. "I _gotta_ take my anger out on something!!!" She goes outside.  
"No no no no not the Lamborghini!!! I stole that from good people!" Lindsay yells, just before the sledgehammer smashing is heard and the alarm goes off.  
"Poo..."

Sitting back in their bed like an old married couple, Sam suggests to Brendan "I know what'll cheer you up,"  
"Dammit Sam we _get_ it! You're kinky."  
"No. Well, yeah I am kinky but not right now. I was gonna say we can get that gay ass slinky with the tickets Dean and Brandey won at the arcade!"  
"Eh, not right now. I kinda wanna just listen to 'Jesus Take The Wheel' on repeat." He stares down at his cheap navy blue iPod again.  
"Okay." Sam blinks.  
"Kids!" Susan enters the room with a big smile on her face.  
"Yeah?" Sam asks, and Brendan asks "WHAAT? SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU. TOO MUCH JESUS."  
"Get in the car; we're gonna go for ice cream."  
"Okay!" Sam doesn't see why not, smiling and getting up.  
He tears away Brendan's earphones.  
"Heyy!!"  
"Ice cream," Sam convinces.   
"Okay."

But in the car, the rest of the gang has their own interpretations about what's going to happen.  
"I'm _finally_ gonna get my rainbow slinky!" Dean clutches the arcade tickets in his fist, Brandey beaming in the car seat next to him.  
"Chile here we come!" Chad yells, sitting in the car backseat.  
"Wait. I thought we were getting ice cream..." says Sam, kicking his legs with Brendan sitting in his lap.  
"Uhhhh..." Susan sweats while keeping her eyes on the road.  
"I meant we're getting ice cream _at_ the arcade with rainbow slinkies. And chilly..." She passes right by the arcade.  
"Mom what the _fuck?_ " Brandey snaps.   
"Uhhh we're going to the new location...!" She starts driving faster.  
"Oh, get me out of here!!" Chad starts pulling at his seatbelt.  
"Jesus take the wheel!" Brendan begs, while Brandey has to stop Dean from choking himself with the strip of tickets.   
"Please don't kidnap us! We're just people!!!" Sam has a total spasm, before Susan pulls up into the jail prison lot.  
"What the fuck are we doing back here?!" Brandey asks.  
"Kids, I'm gonna be honest. I lied."  
"No _shit!_ "  
"I had to lie so I could get you all into the car and drive you back here."  
"For _what?"_ Brendan frowns.  
"Kiddos, we're gonna fucking _kill_ Pedro" she takes out an axe with a fake plastic head jammed inside, and sticks it into the dashboard.  
" _What?!?!?_ " They're all freaking out.  
But, " _COOL!"_ Brendan smiles, almost shitting from happiness.  
"Brendan! What is the matter with you?!" Sam yells.  
"I _knew_ you'd come through Brendan," Susan hands him the plastic headed axe.  
" _Sweet..."_ he whispers, Dean and Sam's mouths dropping open in wonder.  
"Brendan! You can _barely_ figure out a fire extinguisher." Dean snatches it away.  
"Well you guys are the _real_ hunters; so why don't _you_ guys do it?!" He sasses.  
"We're not _killing_ Pedro!" Dean exclaims.  
"I'll get the key back..." Brendan seductively whispers into Sam's ear.  
"Let's go kill some bitches!!" He determinedly yells, unbuckling his seatbelt and leaving the car with the same fist in the air that he hopes to jerk Brendan off with.  
Dean grumbles. "Since _you_ two are the ones that wanna do it so much," he says to Brendan and Susan. "I'd like to watch _you_ guys do it." He glares with a cross of his arms.  
"Oh, I love it when you get all badass, baby!" Brandey tickles his chin.  
"Brandeyyy, not in front of the gays," he giggles, blushing profoundly.  
"Ew, heteronormativity" Brendan says, instantly getting out with Chad who's equally disgusted.  
"See?" Dean asks his girlfriend, the two of them now only sitting with Susan, who exchanges awkward eye contact through the rear view mirror.  
Their silence is broken with her rebel yell, which causes the couple to almost jump out of their seats, and cringe endlessly as Susan exits the car with her arms in the air.  
She's heard quieting down as she runs farther away, until she quickly returns to silently lock the doors before resuming her screams and sprinting back.  
"We're still in here!!" Dean yells.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh a cliffhanger, right guys??? No? No one’s here? *pretends to be shocked*


End file.
